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Hypothetic Alley: Flying With The Can(n)onby Tabouli, Elkins, Dicentra spectabilis, and Cindy C. <"((>< PrologueOn a Saturday morning in HPfGU, the Listies bid good-bye to their daily cares, then turned on Web view and headed toward the main list. A few posts had started to appear, but mostly the list was very still and quiet. "Psst – Listies!" They turned, halfway along the day's posts, to see a group of list-elves peering out at them from behind a page of half-baked, cock-eyed theories. "What are you doing?" said the Listies curiously. "How come you're not attending to your list duties?" "We've come to give you a bit of festive cheer before we go," said one elf, with a mysterious wink. "Come in here…." The elf nodded toward an empty chatroom to the left of the cock-eyed theories. The Listies followed the elves inside. One elf closed the door quietly and then turned, beaming, to look at the Listies. "Early Christmas present for you," the elf said. Another elf pulled something from underneath its captain's hat with a flourish and laid it on one of the desks. It was a large, square, very worn piece of parchment with nothing written on it. The Listies, suspecting a howler, stared at it. "What's that supposed to be?" "This, Listies, is the secret of our success," said the elf, patting the parchment fondly. "It's a wrench, giving it to you," said another elf, "but we decided last night, your need's greater than ours." "Anyway, we know it by heart," said a third elf. "We bequeath it to you. We don't really need it anymore." "And what do I need with a bit of old parchment?" said the Listies. "A bit of old parchment!" said the first elf, closing its eyes with a grimace, as though the Listies had mortally offended it. "Explain, Captain." "Well … when we were newbies – young, carefree, and too shy to post –" The Listies snorted. They doubted whether these elves had ever been too shy to post. "– well, more shy than we are now – we got into a spot of bother with the Mods." "We began to pretend we were on imaginary boats in an imaginary bay, and it upset them for some reason –" "So they blasted off a howler to us and started threatening us with the "– banishment –" "– permanent moderated status –" "– and we couldn't help noticing a database in the HPfGU files marked 'Inish Alley.'" "Don't tell me –" said the Listies, starting to grin. "Well, what would you have done?" said an elf. "One of us caused a diversion by sending off-topic posts, we whipped the database open, and wrote – this." "It's not as bad as it sounds, you know," said the Captain. "We don't reckon the Mods ever found out how to interpret them. They probably suspected what they were, though, or they wouldn't have let us write this." "And you know how to work it?" "Oh yes," said the elf, smirking. "This little beauty's taught us more canon subversion than all the posts on this list." "You're winding us up," said the Listies, looking at the ragged old bit of parchment. "Oh, are we?" said an elf. It took out its mouse, double-clicked the parchment lightly, and said, "I solemnly swear that I am about to theorize." And at once, thin ink lines began to spread like a spider's web from the point that the mouse had touched. They joined each other, they crisscrossed, they fanned into every corner of the parchment; then words began to blossom across the top, great, curly green words, that proclaimed: Messrs. Tooly, Elkey, Dicey, and Sin D.C. HYPOTHETIC ALLEY It was a document showing every detail of Theory Bay and its surroundings. But the truly remarkable thing were the SHIPs moving around it, each labeled with an acronym in miniscule writing. Astounded, the Listies bent over it. An acronym in the top left corner proved that Fudge. Is. Evil.; a little dinghy, F.L.I.R.T.I.A.C., was prowling a little inlet; and a theory named George was currently bouncing around from SHIP to SHIP. And as the Listies' eyes traveled up and down the familiar SHIPs, they noticed something else. This document showed a set of theories they had never entertained. And many of them seemed to lead – "Right off-canon," said an elf, tracing one of them with its finger. "There are too many to count right now. Now, most HP fans know about these –" the elf pointed them out "– but we're sure we're the only ones who know about these. Don't bother with Snape's Cat. We tried it just recently and it didn't float – sank completely. And we don't reckon anyone's ever tried to make Snape Harry's real father, because canon has that angle covered. But this one here, this one leads right to the largest SHIP of all, L.O.L.L.I.P.O.P.S. We've cited it loads of times. And as you might've noticed, lots of other theories have a berth on this ship." "So, young Listies," said an elf, in an uncanny impersonation of the Mods, "Mind you behave yourselves." "See you in Theory Bay," said the Captain elf, winking. They left the room, all smirking in a satisfied sort of way. The Listies traced the theory to L.O.L.L.I.P.O.P.S. with their fingers. Then, quite suddenly, as though following orders, they saved the document on their hard drives, read through it, and hurried back to the main list…. Hypothetic Alley: A HistoryLong, long ago, when HP for Grownups was born, grown-ups flooded in by the hundreds to engage in intelligent discussion of the Harry Potter books. Some brought magnifying glasses, through which they searched for flaws in JKR's plot. Some brought ideologies, which they used to sweep through the books in search of socio-political commentary. And a small but sentimental group turned up with a heart-shaped box of soft-centered chocolates and sifted through canon for romantic relationships between the characters, a quest that quickly became known as SHIPping. In the beginning, the romance SHIPs were few in number. Most of them focused on the Trio, with SHIPs flying the flag for a romance between Harry and Ginny, or Ron and Hermione, or Harry and Hermione. Over time, however, new vessels began to appear on the horizon, painted with strange names and flying long, complicated acronyms from their masts. At first, most of the new vessels were large stately ships, on which many listmembers were eager to embark. However, as time drew on, smaller and wilder vessels began to invade the list, until the coastline became so crowded that the sailors decided to take up residence in a harbor that soon became known as Theory Bay. Unlike the participants in early SHIPping discussions, the denizens of Theory Bay did not restrict themselves to speculation about romantic relationships in the Potterverse. They happily played host to all sorts of wild speculations and theories. The only criterion for entry into Theory Bay was that the theory be canon-based, symbolized by the possession of at least one can(n)on, that is, one piece of supporting evidence from the HP books. The more can(n)ons the better, of course. Some Theory Bay posts were introduced with lighthearted prologues or epilogues describing the action in Theory Bay, known as CARP ("Cyber-Action Role-Playing") [35,601]. These vignettes often indicated the relationships among the various theories or which theories were being described or contested. The size, type, or position of a vessel was often linked to the type of theory or its popularity. Seemingly overnight, Theory Bay was crammed with strange and speculative theories represented by jet skis, dinghies, kayaks, inner tubes, toads, paddles, and a shady character wandering about calling himself George. Alas, as more and more theories entered the Bay, it became increasingly difficult to navigate. Newcomers to the list found themselves drowning among a fleet of bizarre nautical vessels whose names and natures seemed to mutate with every new post. The newcomers flailed about, trying vainly to climb on board via the Up-Thread option, searching hopelessly through the archives. As their cries grew more and more plaintive, the sailors decided to take mercy on them, throwing them a life preserver: "Hypothetic Alley." Hypothetic Alley is a guide for the newcomer to Theory Bay. It describes some of the more elaborate theories and defines many of the acronyms that have become part of the Theory Bay dialect. It does not include every theory that has been proposed, of course, as this would be a truly massive undertaking. Instead, Hypothetic Alley includes theories represented by nautical or other metaphors, theories that have been personified, and acronyms that have become terms of art. Nevertheless, it does provide the newcomer with enough information to navigate Theory Bay, including message numbers of the original posts, as these are infinitely more interesting, elaborate, and entertaining than this summary. For more information on acronyms, visit Inish Alley. General Terms and Theories"Foaming Enthusiasts of Ambush, Torture, and Hostility, Embracing Really Blood-thirsty Operations And Savagery." An acronym coined in protest against list members whose speculations seemed to have taken on an unseemly tone of morbidity and gleeful blood-thirst, FEATHERBOAS has now passed into general usage as the costume of choice for those who prefer their backstory speculations violent, bloody, and dark. Very dark. Those who wear their featherboas with pride have no time for idle speculation about Arthur and Molly Weasley's school-day courtship, or for contemplating just how Nice Lily might have been. No. No, they far prefer Tortured Toddlers and Great Bloody Ambushes, and they will accept the possibility that there may be a missing Seventh Weasley Son only if this speculation also includes the provision that one of the canon characters was responsible for the boy's death – or at least a witness to it. Those who enjoy hinting at the darker possibilities inherent in canon, who confess to unwholesome tendencies towards morbid fascination, or who evidence an unusually black sense of humor may therefore find themselves being offered FEATHERBOAS of their very own. There is no need at all to feel ashamed of this. The bloodstains do wash out in time, with enough cold water. Just don't ask where the feathers come from. [35,200, 35,324]. The Order of the Flying Hedgehog The Order of the Flying Hedgehog is the vigilante wing of HPfGU and a refuge for those who like to play Armchair Auror: all the thrill of the chase with no danger of permanent disfigurement. The name of the Order (motto: Constant Vigilance!) comes from a quote provided by a list member: "One must be a complete paranoic to search for the hedgehog at the top of a fir tree." This acknowledges the slightly subversive nature of the Order, who nevertheless use canon in the execution of their mission to expose as many potentially nefarious characters as possible. The usual mode of accusation has come to take the form, "(Name) Is Ever So Evil," although the extent of the evil believed to have been (or to be in danger of being) committed varies according to character and member of the Order. As elsewhere in HPfGU, some members take a Tougher approach than others. Accusees themselves are known as Flying Hedgehogs. Accusations so far include Ludo Bagman, Cornelius Fudge, the twins (especially Fred), Rita Skeeter and Trevor the toad. (We are an inclusive body and do not believe in discriminating against non-human life-forms.) Some of these accusations may be more tongue-in-cheek, others more serious. How many will turn out to be justified, we have yet to find out. Won't we laugh when we're proved right! And of course, if we're wrong, they were just Flying Hedgehogs, so who cares? The Order of the Flying Hedgehog was founded in Message 34,622. It received its very own acronym, F.L.Y.I.N.G. H.E.D.G.E.H.O.G. ("Fearful League Yabbering 'Innocent Narratives Generally Harbour Enemies, Death-eaters, Grim Henchmen Or Gangsters!'") in Message 36,235. "The Society for Yes-men, Cowards, Ostriches, Passive-aggressives, Hysterics, Abject Neurotics, and Toadying SYCOPHANTS" Founded in Message 34,911, SYCOPHANTS is an organization dedicated to the promotion of reader sympathy and identification with a wide range of grossly underappreciated character types, focusing mainly on the minions and hapless tools of Evil Overlords. Pettigrew apologetics are obviously quite popular as a SYCOPHANTic pastime, as are musings over the sorry fates of potentially redeemable Death Eaters. Avery sympathizers cite his rough night in the graveyard as evidence of his status as a natural-born SYCOPHANT:
Because the characters that SYCOPHANTS exists to defend are, admittedly, among the very least sympathetic in all canon, the organization itself has appallingly few members. Some time in the first century, Saul of Tarsus, a notorious persecutor of the young Christian faith, was traveling down the road to Damascus when he had a sudden and epiphanous revelation. This led him to convert to Christianity, change his name to "Paul," write much of what would later become the New Testament, and eventually become a martyr saint. Theory Bay theorists use the phrase "Road to Damascus" to refer to any backstory speculation that similarly depends on a single catalytic event to account for a character's change of heart or profound shift in allegiance. "Draco will renounce his current path the first time he actually comes face to face with murder" would be a Road to Damascus-style speculation. Also sometimes called "catalytic theories," some people love Road to Damascus speculations (see "Big Bang"), while others simply cannot bear them. The "Big Bang" theory is an all-encompassing approach to canon theorizing based on the notion that JKR herself prefers to use highly dramatic, cinematic, or even melodramatic events to serve as catalytic turning points in her characters' lives. Adherents to Big Bang therefore believe that speculations that revolve around dramatic catalytic events are actually far more canonically plausible than the more sedate or "realistic" speculations.
Adherents to the Big Bang Theory are known as "Bangers," while the sorts of theories that they favor are often referred to as "Big" and "Bangy:"
A personification of the opposition to Theory Bay's more wildly implausible speculations, Faith "believes what canon places before her. She is first cousins with those cute twins, Naive and Gullible." [35,878] Faith holds no truck with far-fetched interpretations of canon. Her acronym is A.N.T.I.T.H.E.S.I.S: "All Nice Theories, I Think; However, Each Supposition Is Strained." [35,838] A staunch defender of authorial privilege, Faith
In this sense, Faith may be seen as a supporter of the status quo, an upholder of authorial hegemony, and thus an enemy of reader subversion in all its forms. The irony here, of course, is that Faith is herself one of the more prominent denizens of Theory Bay. She is often spotted walking down the promenade arm in arm with George, and has occasionally been caught eyeing a speculation badge with an expression of hopeless longing. Faith's opponents enjoy depicting her as a goody-goody, girl-next-door type, dressed in a schoolgirl uniform and Mary Janes. Those who know her best, however, realize that Faith in fact has True Edge, and that those Mary Janes are sporting five-inch heels. [35,966]
Yellow Flags are the means by which Theory Bay participants keep each other on canon. Speculative theories based in significant part on anything that is not canonical risk a Yellow Flag Violation:
The term "Yellow Flag" comes from American football. Football referees draw attention to violations of the rules by tossing yellow penalty flags. The yellow flags have a weight in them, and the referees often throw them directly at the offending player. Now and then, the yellow flag will become lodged in the player's face mask or bounce off of his helmet. Hilarity ensues. Hurling a Yellow Flag in Theory Bay is a monstrous allegation indeed. Usually, the mere threat of a Yellow Flag citation is enough to cause the victim to slink off, muttering, "Well, there's nothing in canon that rules it out…" That, of course, isn't good enough. The only way to side-step a Yellow Flag allegation is with specific citations to canon. Attempting to duck never works. Snapetheories"Love Of Lily Left Ire Polluting Our Poor Severus" The Good Ship LOLLIPOPS stands tall among the vessels of Theory Bay, her sails rippling proudly, her hull swift to cleave anyone who threatens her domination of the seas. The central keel of LOLLIPOPS, on which all variations and subtheories are built, is the belief that Severus Snape was once (and still may be) desperately in love with Harry's late mother Lily. Although opinions differ considerably as to the nature of this love and the role it played in Snape's mysterious past, anyone who adheres to this basic premise is welcome aboard. LOLLIPOPS attempts to explain many of the mysteries surrounding Snape. Most LOLLIPOPS adherents accept that Love of Lily may be at the core of Snape's inexplicable loathing of Harry.
So, proclaim the LOLLIPOPS crew, if Snape loved Lily, Snape's intense negative reaction to Harry makes perfect sense. Some people aboard the Good Ship leave it there. Others, however, argue that this love could in fact be the key to unlocking volumes of motivation from Snape's mysterious past. The more devout initiates of LOLLIPOPS argue that Snape's return to the Good Side was inextricably linked to his Love for Lily. Others go still further, insisting that jealousy over Lily's decision to date and later marry James was the last straw that drove an embittered Snape into the arms of Voldemort. The most fanatic of the LOLLIPOPS diehards subscribe to the All-Day Sucker variety, which holds that Love of Lily was what led Snape both to join the Death Eaters and later to betray them. Others are having none of that:
In addition to these mainstream versions of LOLLIPOPS striding the ship corridors, there are many more outlandish theories lurking below deck. Among the more notable of these are L.O.V.E.S.L.A.V.E. (League Of Violently Enamoured Snape/Lily And Vampire Enthusiasts [29,434]), whose followers hold that Snape may have been inhibited from acting on his love because he is a vampire, and S.T.U.D.M.U.F.F.I.N. (Snape, The Ultimate Dreamboat, Makes Uncountable Females Favour Immediate Nuptials [37,754]), a society that believe that Lily was merely the jewel of an extensive harem of seductive Potterverse women, potentially including McGonagall, Mrs. Norris, and the mysterious Florence. LOLLIPOPS and its variants are without question the most popular Theory Bay theories. And We Have the Message Numbers To Prove It! [26,687, 28,782, 31,115, 33,176, 33,235, 33,258, 33,401, 34,741, 34,823, 34,839, 34,843, 35,002, 35,134, 35,144] Flamingo/"The Flamingo In the Cathedral"/Second Flamingo The flamingo is a symbol of Snape SHIPping. It derives from the statement that giving Severus Snape a romantic plotline "would be like putting a single pink flamingo in the middle of a Gothic cathedral." [34,843] Although originally proposed as an objection to Snape SHIPping in general, and to LOLLIPOPS in particular, the image was quickly and enthusiastically adopted by the LOLLIPOPSers themselves as further proof of the perfection of their SHIP. "Exactly!!" they cried. "It's what hip young film-makers call 'ironic juxtaposition'!" [34,877] If Snape's one true love is "a single pink flamingo in the middle of a Gothic cathedral," then the suggestion that he might have had more than one romantic entanglement in his lifetime introduces the possibility of additional flamingos. The "second flamingo," originally coined to refer to the theory that Snape loved Mrs. Norris (see "S.E.C.O.N.D.F.L.A.M.I.N.G.O.," discussed below), has now come to stand for any proposed secondary romantic interest for Snape. George/Georgianism/SWEETGEORGIANISM "George" is a theory that primarily serves to answer two popular backstory questions: why did Snape join the Death Eaters in the first place, and why did he later recant? According to George, Snape joined the Death Eaters willingly, under few delusions as to the nature of their cause, and with no thought of betraying them at the time. George rejects the notion that any single catalytic event -- such as the infamous Prank, for example -- led him to choose this course of action. Rather, George maintains that this was the natural culmination of the path that Snape had already been traveling, probably since his early childhood.
Similarly, when it comes to the question of why Snape should have then later recanted, George rejects all "catalytic theories" of Snape's conversion, holding firm to the notion that his disillusionment with the DEs did not come about due to any sudden revelation but rather as a gradual realization that Voldemort and his followers were evil: their motives selfish, their means unjustified, their ends corrupt, and their assumptions just plain wrong. [35,530]
Furthermore, George favors a view of this realization that roots it firmly in the realms of the intellectual and the philosophical, rather than the emotional or the visceral. George emphasizes the notion that Snape's defection was not one of emotion, but one of principle. [35,530] As the fundamental tenets of Georgianism are more philosophical than plot-oriented, George can easily be reconciled with a number of other Snapetheories, such as LOLLIPOPS. "The only theory that George won't play with is Big Bang, since George's whole philosophy is based on the lack of a single catalytic event." [35,541] Like Faith, George is a personification, rather than a "ship." Although he was originally named for the Warner Brothers character ("My theory…. is my own, my very own, and I will love it and hug it and call it George." [34,747]), George quickly came to be personified not as a small furry creature, but instead as an attractive young man. His readiness to flirt with every other theory floating out there in the bay gave him quite the reputation for a while, but these days he is a reformed character, having resolved to settle down and stop playing the field back in Message 35,541. Adherents to the "George" theory sometimes call themselves "Georgians," or "Sweetgeorgians," after the two acronyms coined in Message 35,543 to describe their position: S.W.E.E.T.G.E.O.R.G.I.A.N. ("Snape Went Evil Expecting To Gloat, Eyes Open, Recanted Gradually, Incensed At Nefariousness") S.W.E.E.T.G.E.O.R.G.I.A.N.I.S.M. ("Snape Went Evil Expecting To Gloat, Eyes Open, Recanted Gradually, Incensed At Nauseating Iniquities and Shocking Morals") George's Sister Diana/Steady State Often viewed as a variant on George, George's Sister Diana holds that the change in awareness that led Snape eventually to leave the Death Eaters was an evolution of moral thinking from one which rejects the entire concept of good and evil to one which recognizes a distinction between the two.
The most important distinction between Diana and her brother George lies in Diana's emphasis on the notion that the essential difference between Snape's former allegiance and his current one lies in the very recognition of the existence of a moral universe. Diana therefore prefers to frame Snape's conversion in terms of "Light" (in which moral distinctions can be perceived) and "Darkness" (in which no such vision is possible), rather than in terms of "good" and "evil." Originally named the "Steady State" theory to emphasize its contrast with the "Big Bang" theory, Diana's name was later changed to stress her close ties to her brother George, as well as to allow for an acronym in Message 35,608: G.E.O.R.G.E.'S. S.I.S.T.E.R. D.I.A.N.A. ("Giving Evil Overlord's Regime Genuine Effort, Severus' Soul Is Severely Troubled, Eventually Rendering Defection Indeed A Necessary Act"). The "Mercy" theory suggests that Snape's loyalty to Dumbledore and his cause derives neither from any strongly-held philosophical conviction nor from devotion to the memory of a lost love but rather from the magical bond caused by a life-debt. "Mercy" is particularly insistent upon the denial of the LOLLIPOPS-based claim that Snape's current allegiance could be in any way due to love for Lily. Its adherents point out that Snape would seem to be intending to embark on some exceptionally risky endeavor on Dumbledore's behalf at the end of GoF, and that "as Lily has been dead for 14 years by this point, the Lily motivation starts to seem rather stale." [34,754]
Instead, Mercy posits that at some point during the original war against Voldemort, Dumbledore was in a position to "blast Snape to little slimy pieces," but that instead he "(inexplicably?) decides to spare Snape's life. . . . So that makes Snape's motivation to continue spying after GoF his plain, boring, uninspiring loyalty to Dumbledore, much the same way that Snape feels he owes a debt to James for saving Snape's life." [34,758] Mercy II "Mercy II" is a variant of "Mercy" in which Snape's current allegiance is based on his devotion to the memory of Lily Potter -- but as a matter of life-debt, rather than love. Mercy II posits that at some time during their Hogwarts years, Lily did something truly heroic (but yet-to-be-revealed) to save Snape's life. Years later, therefore, when forced to choose between his loyalty to Voldemort and his loyalty to Lily, Snape prioritized the life-debt more highly and turned traitor. Because he failed to save Lily's life, however, Snape still considers his debt unpaid. He is therefore still trying to "pay it off" by means of his service to Dumbledore, much in the same way that he continues to try to negate his life-debt to James by protecting Harry. [34,839] A variant of Mercy II states that Snape's service to Dumbledore and protection of Harry is premised not on a life-debt owed to Lily but rather on his original life-debt to James. "That would be sufficient motivation by itself for Snape to refuse to betray the Potters." [34,839] "Prince of Lies" is the name given to the belief that Snape left the Death Eaters when he reached the conclusion that Voldemort had lied to him about the nature of the organization and the role that he was to play within it. According to Prince of Lies, Snape's defection was not motivated by principle so much as it was by wounded ego, anger, and the desire for vengeance – all mixed with a healthy dose of self-preservation. Prince of Lies posits that Snape had been led join the Death Eaters in the first place by appeals to his vanity and his ambition: he believed that he would be highly valued within the DE organization, that Voldemort respected him for his brilliance and his talents, and that he would quickly rise through the ranks to become Somebody Important. It also suggests that Snape may have been promised more specific rewards in order to convince him to join, although what precisely these rewards may have been is left to the conscience of the individual. (See "TEW EWW to be TREW"). Once he had become a DE, however, Snape realized that he had been led astray. He was not, in fact, honored or respected within the organization, and Voldemort viewed him as little more than a slave. He "realized that he was being used for his brilliant potions talents, but that in the final analysis, Voldemort would torture and disrespect him, just like Wormtail." Because Prince of Lies is a catalytic theory (see "Big Bang"), its adherents usually like to propose that there was some specific Big and Bangy event that served as the final straw. Because Prince of Lies is also a theory favored by those who Do Not Care Very Much For Our Dear Severus, this event is usually imagined to involve a good long round of the Cruciatus Curse: "Snape had been deceived about what Voldemort was really about, and Snape's own mistreatment finally brought that point home; Snape couldn't deny it any more once he was writhing around on the ground." Once Snape saw the truth, he realized he had made a mistake. He couldn't simply flee; he would be hunted down and killed. He had to be on Dumbledore's team or he was doomed. Joining with Dumbledore would also offer him scope to get some of his own back on Voldemort and the DEs. His "conversion" was therefore a matter of both self-interest and grudge:
Although "Prince of Lies" has traditionally been the favored Snapetheory for people who are most decidedly not Snape fans, its fundamental premise – that Snape was led astray as to the nature of Voldemort's organization, and that his realization of this fact was what led him to turn – is quite compelling, and it has proved popular across the board. [34,752] A sneaky little marriage of minds between "Prince of Lies" and "George," Prince George cheerfully accepts George's premise that Snape's conversion was fundamentally idealistic and motivated by principle. It then goes on to suggest that this principle was political in nature:
Prince George then goes on to suggest that this political disillusionment was what led Snape to leave the Death Eaters and join with Dumbledore, as he preferred to work for his honest opposition than for his hypocritical so-called allies. His defection was therefore indeed a matter of principle: he always believed in what the Death Eaters ostensibly stood for – and, furthermore, he still does. [34,766] top As a general matter, to say that something is "Ewww" means that it is sickening on some fundamental level. It often refers to something romantic and mushy. Or worse. Much, much worse. The phrase "Too EWW to be TREWW" was first coined in Message 34,823 to describe the ever popular objection to LOLLIPOPS: that it is rather icky. Mushy. Sappy:
The phrase was soon recruited, however, to serve as the name for the speculation that Snape left the Death Eaters when he learned that Voldemort, aware of his love for Lily, had planned to offer her up to him as a "prize," or a reward. "TEWW EWWWWW to be TREEW" starts off by assuming that Snape really did love Lily. It then adds that Voldemort was aware of this, and that he had promised Snape that after killing James and Harry, he would place Lily under Imperius (or give her a love potion), and give her to Snape as a reward: "However, the thought of Lily's child being killed and Lily never having her own personality again horrified Snape and made him realize how evil [Voldemort] was, making him (re)turn to the Light side." [35,531, 34,862, 34,944] Yes, the Ewww quotient is definitely rising: "It just seems like an absolutely awful thing to do, kill a woman's husband and child and make her think she's married to a man who is, in fact, an enemy of her real husband." [34,857] Indeed. An even more appalling Ewww variant (once dubbed "Even Ewwwer") proposes that Voldemort wanted Lily for himself "for strategic reasons." [34,945, 34,955] "The 'Even EWWWWWWWer' Theory, for those who've lost track, posits that Voldemort was willing to spare Lily's life because he'd heard some vague prophecy about how Lily's son would win the war for his father's side. [Voldemort] planned to get rid of Harry and make Lily bear him a new son, thus turning the prophecy to his own advantage; when Lily would have none of this, he decided to kill her and Harry both, and it's at that point that the prophecy bit him on the ass in the way most prophecies do." [35,541] Definitely Ewwwwer. By far the most grotesque of the Ewwww theories, "So EWWWer It's In the SEWWWer," proposes that Voldemort did indeed briefly contemplate sparing Lily's life so that he could keep her all to himself, but not so that she could bear him an heir, or anything useful like that. Nope. No, he just plain wanted her. [35,015] This variant requires no further explanation. Florence Theories"Who is Florence? what is she The mysterious Florence receives her sole canonical mention in GoF:
Out of such trifling mentions, great speculations are forged. Most of the speculation surrounding Florence takes as its primary assumption the notion that when it comes to the works of JKR, nothing -- but nothing -- is ever truly incidental. Florence theories thus attempt to provide some identity for Florence that might tie her into one of the more central plotlines of the series. It has been proposed that Florence may have actually been Florence Wilkes, future Death Eater and Severus Snape's one true lost love. Or Florence Black, Sirius' kid sister, whose tryst with Snape behind the greenhouses helped to fuel the feud between the two men. Or Snape's younger sister, caught kissing Sirius. Or a full-blooded or half centaur, resting the case for this notion on the fact that "Florence" is the Anglicization of "Firenze." Florence has also been identified as a painter of magical portraits, as the pre-transfiguration Mrs. Norris (see "FLIRTIAC"), as Mad-Eye Moody's daughter, or as either the future Professor Sinistra or the future Professor Sprout. [35,187, 35,329, 35,381, 35,453, 36,922, 36,966] Others, however, have favored the supposition that Florence was in fact the future Mrs. Lestrange and have expended considerable effort to link her in some way with both Snape and one (or all) of the Marauders. "Contrary to Unrequited Passion Infelicitously Devouring Severus, Black's Love of Unknown Damsel Gets Expected Response!!!" The Mother of All Florence Theories, CUPID'S BLUDGER does not technically require the involvement of Florence at all! The original CUPID'S BLUDGER merely proposes that romantic rivalry must lie at the heart of the enmity between Sirius Black and Severus Snape:
Cherchez la femme, indeed! People cherchezed themselves silly, and they came to the conclusion that the enigmatic Florence must have been the "Unknown Damsel" lying at the heart of the CUPID'S BLUDGER mystery. While CUPID'S BLUDGER does not require that one accept Florence as the "Unknown Damsel" in question, most of the elaborations on this theory do proceed from that premise. Whether Florence was in fact Snape's girlfriend caught in a scandalous liason with Sirius Black, Sirius' girlfriend on whom Snape simply had an unrequited crush, or Sirius' girlfriend who also happened to be Snape's sister or best friend, however, is a matter upon which there has been no consensus. [35,156, 35,238, 35,271] CUPID'S BLUDGER has been depicted as an elegant sailboat, an ordinary inner tube, or a souped-up, state-of-the-art motorized inner tube, capable of towing behind it the large and luxurious E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S. barge (See "ELGINMARBLES," in the Inish Alley database). A variant on CUPID'S BLUDGER, Cupid's Snitch maintains that the person Florence was kissing behind the greenhouses was, indeed, Sirius Black. It proposes that the reason that their relationship was such a great secret was that Florence was a member of House Slytherin. Sirius and Florence therefore had a doomed Romeo-and-Juliet kind of romance going on, one that fell to pieces after Bertha Jorkins spread the tale of their entanglement. Sirius himself weathered this crisis, but Florence grew bitter over the matter, turned to Snape for tutelage in curses and hexes, became Ever So Evil, and ended by marrying her fellow Slytherin, Lestrange. According to Cupid's Snitch, Snape and Sirius's mutual antipathy is due to the fact that each holds the other responsible for Florence's Descent Into Darkness. The bit of canon on which Cupid's Snitch and its successor theories most strongly depends is Sirius's oddly truncated mention of Mrs. Lestrange in "Padfoot Returns": "The Lestranges – they're a married couple – they're in Azkaban." (GoF, Ch 27). Theories which suggest some form of past history between Sirius Black and Mrs. Lestrange cite this as proof that Sirius is deeply uncomfortable when it comes to Mrs. Lestrange's inclusion in the list of Snape's ex-classmates who went on to become Death Eaters:
Cupid's Snitch was proposed in Message 35,303. Acronyms include F.L.A.B.B.E.R.G.A.S.T.E.D ("Florence, Loved and Abandoned by Black, Becomes EnRaged, Goes After Severus, Turns Evil Deatheater" [35,316]), and L.O.S.T.L.I.V.E.S ("Love of Sirius Turning Lestrange Into Voldemort's Evil Servant [35,326]). The "Cupid's Snitch" speculation has been described as a remote-controlled jet ski, leaving Theory Bay spectators wondering whether there was ever anyone on board it at all. [35,318, 35,577] CUPID'S QUAFFLE is a retelling of Cupid's Snitch, revised in response to the (quite legitimate) objection that the Cupid's Snitch backstory was in severe violation of canon on the grounds of characterization. [35,326, 35,375] In CUPID'S QUAFFLE, Sirius and Florence's relationship is not a doomed Romeo-and-Juliet type affair, but instead a series of casual assignations that the proud and obsessive (and yet hopelessly awkward) adolescent Florence has the misfortune to believe to be True Love. In this version of the story it is she, and not Sirius, who hexes the snooping Bertha Jorkins, an event which so deeply disturbs Sirius that he severs relations with her. She then broods, grows bitter, becomes even more Evil than she was before, and goes on to marry Lestrange. As in Cupid's Snitch, Sirius and Snape each blame the other for her eventual fate, thus fueling their mutual loathing. CUPID'S QUAFFLE was proposed in Message 35,577. It was acronymized as C.U.P.I.D.'S. Q.U.A.F.F.L.E. ("Cruelly Undermining Proud, Infatuated Damsel, Sirius Quickened Underage, Awkward Feminist Florence's Lapse into Evil") in Message 35,630. F.O.R.L.O.R.N. B.A.R.T.E.M.I.U.S. The original version of this theory proposes that Florence, as the future Mrs. Lestrange, was in fact kissing the young Bartemius Crouch behind the greenhouses, and that it was he who hexed Bertha Jorkins. It further suggests that the future Mrs. Lestrange was the person responsible for seducing young Barty to the Dark Side in the first place, as an act of vengeance upon his father, who in his role as the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement had been responsible for sentencing her parents to imprisonment in Azkaban. [35,326] This theory was later incorporated, in a somewhat altered form, into the CUPID'S QUAFFLE speculation as F.O.R.L.O.R.N. B.A.R.T.E.M.I.U.S. ("Florence, On the Rebound, Lured Our Reluctant Naif Barty, Avenging Relations by Tempting Evil Mother's Innocent and Unsuspecting Son"). In this version, however, Florence and Barty's entanglement takes place the year following The Greenhouse Incident. [35,577] A variant on CUPID'S BLUDGER that seeks to answer the question: why on earth would Sirius care if Bertha Jorkins caught him kissing his own girlfriend behind the greenhouses? While "Trapezoid" accepts Cupid's Snitch's suggestion that Florence was indeed the future Mrs. Lestrange and that Sirius was kissing Florence, it rejects the notion that this alone could possibly account for Sirius and Snape's later antipathy:
The Trapezoid theory therefore proposes that at the time of the tryst, Sirius was actually dating Lily, while Florence was seeing Snape. "So we have more than a romantic triangle. We have a romantic trapezoid. Sirius and Lily are an item; Snape and Florence are an item. And Bertha? She's just nosy and stupid." According to Trapezoid, the revelation of Sirius and Florence's indiscretion causes both couples to separate. The theory has a tragic outcome for Florence (who turns to Evil and later marries Lestrange), for Sirius (who loses Lily's affections and must thereafter content himself with playing the roles of Best Man at her wedding to his best friend James and doting godfather to their son Harry), and for Snape (who refuses ever to forgive either Sirius or Florence for their betrayal). Things do end on a happy note for the Wizarding World as a whole, however, as the event results in Lily and James' romance and eventual marriage. [35,318] Yet another Florence theory, "Peter-Gets-the-Girl" abandons CUPID'S BLUDGER's efforts to account for Sirius and Snape's antipathy, instead offering to provide some additional motivation for Peter Pettigrew's great act of betrayal. In Peter-Gets-the-Girl:
Alas for poor Peter, however, Florence far preferred Lestrange, whom she married. By that time, however, Peter was in far too deep to extricate himself from his affiliation with the Death Eaters or to go back on his promise to deliver the Potters to Voldemort. And the rest, as they say, is canon. According to Peter-Gets-the-Girl, Bertha Jorkins' appearance in the Pensieve scene is even more pointed than it might at first appear. Dumbledore's Pensieve is trying to lead him to the truth by pointing out a direct historical precedent: just as Pettigrew hexed Bertha before, so this time as well he is the one responsible for her fate. Peter-Gets-the-Girl was first proposed in Message 35,398. Mrs. Norris Theories"Filch's Lover Is Regretting Transformation Into A Cat" Adherents of FLIRTIAC are suspicious of all mentions of Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris, who at first glance appears to be quite ordinary. On closer inspection, however, Mrs. Norris is revealed to be a rather unusual animal, so much so that those on board FLIRTIAC declare that Mrs. Norris is in fact Filch's human lover, who through foul play has been transformed irreversibly into cat form. A bold claim, perhaps, but Mrs. Norris has a number of suspicious peculiarities. The sour Filch addresses her tenderly as "my sweet." She was the first creature to be targeted by the Basilisk in CoS, after which she evoked an outpouring of heartbroken grief from the usually dour, misanthropic Filch, a grief which Dumbledore treats with great gentleness. Also, consider the level of sentience required for a cat to collude with Filch in catching wayward students. Her lamp-like eyes are described as resembling the human Filch's, and there are hints that she can see through Harry's Invisibility Cloak yet never turns him in. Perhaps most intriguingly of all, Mrs. Norris is specifically mentioned in PoA as appearing on the Marauder's Map, just like Animagi Scabbers and Padfoot. If Mrs. Norris is Filch's formerly human lover, other mysteries emerge. And for each mystery, there is a FLIRTIAC variant. There is the question of why Dumbledore or some other wizard hasn't restored her to human form. Some of the possibilities raised thus far include the idea that Mr. Norris put a curse on her that could only be undone by Filch. Or perhaps she was an Auror or spy, and Dumbledore declared it safer to leave her as a cat and hired Filch as a caretaker to keep them both safely in Hogwarts. Yet another theory is that Mr. Norris turned his faithless wife into a cat by slipping something in her pumpkin juice. Then there is the more recent Kitty-gro Potion variant of FLIRTIAC. This version introduces a role for Severus Snape. Could Snape's Death-Eater days have been spent as apprentice to Mr. Norris, foul potionmaster, where he developed an evil Kittygro Potion to be used to turn Voldemort's enemies permanently into cats? Moreover, we already know from CoS how dangerous it can be mixing transformation potions and cats. Could someone with Snape's potions talents tweak the recipe to make the transformation permanent and irreversible? That's right. Kitty-gro boldly proposes that Snape knows that Mr. Norris slipped Kitty-gro potion into his wife's pumpkin juice to turn her into a cat, as punishment for cheating on her with that pathetic Squib Filch. But there's more. Those who sail FLIRTIAC right into the sunset suggest that one of the reasons why Dumbledore hired Snape as Potions Master was to research an antidote to the Kitty-gro potion. This, they claim, explains why Filch and Snape, normally surly characters, appear to be friendly in PS/SS. If Snape were to succeed, or if Filch became the infamous character who develops magic "late in life," perhaps Mrs. Norris may become human again, ready to be hired as the female DADA professor. The Daring Dinghy FLIRTIAC, in spite of recent Kitty-gro expansions, is still quite a small vessel and can usually be found lashed to the side of its Mother Ship, LOLLIPOPS. [27,654, 34,877, 35,239, 35,261, 35,443, 36,255, 36,263, 36,289, 36,320, 36,367, 36,422] "Snape Eternally Covets Ogleworthy Norris' Damsel Form, Like Argus: Mrs 'Inaccessible' Norris Generates Obsession!" The Flamingo series emerged from the idea that the LOLLIPOPS declaration that surly, nasty Snape had a love interest was as incongruous as putting a flamingo in a Gothic cathedral. Just when listmembers were recovering from this arresting vision, another bent beak protruded from the Kitty-gro Potion. Yes, it was a SECOND FLAMINGO! The aviarists who tend the SECOND FLAMINGO are skeptical about Snape's motivations for researching a cure for Mrs Norris' feline form. They feel that the real reason for Snape's long hours in the lab is that Snape fancied Mrs. Norris himself and bonded with Filch over their shared love of the same woman. As evidence, they cite the smirk on Snape's face when Filch became unhinged over Mrs Norris' petrified body:
Neville and Trevor TheoriesFew subjects have generated more fanciful theories on the list than Neville's backstory. And it's no wonder, what with all of the juicy Neville mysteries positively begging to be solved. Why is Neville so very forgetful? Why does he struggle with magic? Why hasn't he told Harry about his parents? What happened that fateful night the Longbottoms were attacked? Why torture the Longbottoms rather than use the Imperius Curse to make them talk? Why did Neville react the way he did to the Egg's wail and the dementor on the train? And then there's the granddaddy of them all: does Neville have a Memory Charm, and if so, what kind, who put it there, why, and what difference will it make in the end? It all depends on who you ask. Message 36772, "Still Life With Memory Charm," kicked off a detailed discussion of whether Neville might have a memory charm, something other than a memory charm, or nothing at all. Not surprisingly, the list failed to reach a consensus on the very best explanation for Neville's memory woes. This led to the famed three-part Memory Charm Symposium, which reviewed each of the Memory Charm possibilities to explain Neville's backstory. Messages 38812, 38813, and 38848. The Symposium is where listmembers can find explanations such as "Spontaneous Magic," "Wizards In Black," "Hidden Source," "Wizarding Witness Protection Program," "Cover-Up At The Ministry," "Memory Charm Most Foul," and of course the very tame "No Memory Charm At All." To name but a few. Upon the conclusion of the Symposium, the attendees dispersed and launched into spirited debates over what they had learned, touching off a number of skirmishes: CoverYourTracksMemoryCharmed!Neville (Message 38792, 38797). MATCHING ARMCHAIR [Marooned at the Court Hearing, Ill-fated Neville Got a Reverse Memory Charm, Hatching Amnesia-Invoking Results], which posits that Neville received not a Memory Charm but a Reverse Memory Charm. 38830, 38898, 38921, 39033, 39038, 38890, 38981, 38994, 39014, 39042, 39044, 39076, 39143, 39149, 39150, 39179, 39247. It received its acronym in Message 31903. Satanic Verses and No-Charmed Neville (Messages 39019, 39026). Hero!Neville (Messages 39029). DoubleMemoryCharm!Neville (Message 38847). Torture Begins At Home (Messages 38873, 38874, 38879, 38880, 38886). DEPRECIATION, ("Death Eaters Provoked a Really Evil Charm-Induced Amnesia to Incapacitate Our Neville") which suggests Neville was given his Memory Charm by a Wicked Death Eater, in order to prevent him from giving testimony or in some other way exposing the culprit's true identity, received its acronym in Message 31865. It's a lot to absorb, that's true. But there's no need to be alarmed. There won't be a test on all of this - we promise. ToadKeeper, symbolized by Trevor the Toad himself, attempts to explain Neville's backstory. There are two competing ToadKeeper theories - the Original ToadKeeper (ToadKeeper I) and its rival, the new upstart theory (ToadKeeper II). Proponents of these speculations are currently locked in a fierce struggle involving numerous canons, but neither theory has fully solved the Trevor mystery. Yet. ToadKeepers I and II agree that something important is going on with Trevor. No way, they agree, is a minor character like Neville chasing a useless Toad all around Hogwarts for no reason. But what does Trevor represent? Is he related to Snape? Neville's parents? Voldemort? That is where the struggle begins. ToadKeeper I ToadKeeper I focuses on the torture of the Longbottoms as the key to Trevor's significance. The theory states that when Evil Mrs. Lestrange and her gang shoved their way into the Longbottoms' home, Frank Longbottom worked a quick bit of magic to save himself and his wife. He somehow deposited their souls into Trevor. Neville is the ToadKeeper because he was the only other person around when the spell was performed. Neville must care for Trevor because if anything happens to Trevor, Neville really will have lost his parents forever. [35,612, 37,745] ToadKeeper I proponents believe that there must be more to Neville's visits to St. Mungo's than afternoon tea with two insane people. No, Neville goes to St. Mungo's for a reason. He is trying to work a spell to restore his parents' souls. So far, no luck. Why does Neville keep his past a secret? Because "Neville is brave enough to be in Gryffindor, so Neville will tackle this little problem on his own, thank-you-very-much." Rather than endure the questions and the pressure from his classmates, Neville leaves them with impression that his Great-uncle Algie recently bought Trevor for him as a gift. Unfortunately, ToadKeeper I received a brutal pummeling on the list as it came under an immediate and vigorous canon attack. It has been characterized as full of holes, taking on water, worthy of the scrapheap, and on its way to a watery grave. [35,616, 35,673, 36,829, 35,902] Nevertheless, it survives, proving that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. An opportunistic ToadKeeper II, sensing the imminent demise of ToadKeeper I, seized custody of Trevor, providing him safe haven and a cameo as an Evil Spy. [36,912] ToadKeeper II rests on the idea that Trevor's mysterious disappearances must happen for a reason. After all, Hogwarts pets are always significant to the plot, and they frequently choose their owners:
That makes Neville's beloved pet Evilspy!Trevor, the Treacherous Toad, working tirelessly for the Forces of Evil. That also makes Snape's attempt to poison Trevor not the act of a vindictive man with an inexplicable grudge against an orphan and his helpless pet, but a benevolent man who is only looking out for the best interests of Harry. [37,812] The acronym for ToadKeeper II was coined in Message 36,912 – T.O.A.D.K.E.E.P.E.R. (The Odious Amphibian: Death-eater Knavishly Executing Espionage, Pursuing Evil Revenge). Will one of the ToadKeeper theories prevail in the end? Faith knows, but she's not telling. Other TheoriesM.A.G.I.C. D.I.S.H.W.A.S.H.E.R. "Mysterious Agendas Generate Interesting Conclusion: Dumbledore Is Secretly Hatching Ways to Assure Superiority for Harry in the Emerging Resolution." [39751] MAGIC DISHWASHER (MD for short) is based on the idea that the Voldemort-Potter war is a 'modern' war, with small-scale 'terrorist'-style encounters, undercover work, and (mis)information-as-weapon. Lots and lots of misinformation. A central point of MAGIC DISHWASHER is that Dumbledore orchestrated the escape of Peter Pettigrew at the end of PoA so that the potion used by Voldemort to create his new body would be seriously flawed, because Peter Pettigrew (with his life debt to Harry) was the 'servant'. Because Dumbledore is keenly aware of the power of this life debt, Dumbledore and Snape help Pettigrew escape. In this fashion, Voldemort will be able to return—but only a weakened Voldemort who can then be defeated on Dumbledore's terms. [39662, 39744] DISHWASHERites don't see Dumbledore's plans as exacting, detailed scripts, but instead accept that Dumbledore's plan probably includes much improvisation as events unfold. I doubt very much that Dumbledore and Snape had a plan along the lines of 'at Black's attack select option 1, unless the Shrieking Shack happens, in which case go for option 2...' [39662] DISHWASHERites also accept that plans can go wrong: It's an old saying that no battle plan survives contact with the enemy. [39662] The original theory [39662] discussed the Shrieking Shack scene in PoA. It generated so many posts in reply (over 100, mostly located between Messages 39662 and 39900), that a summary post was created, giving a breakdown of arguments for and against [39854]. The second major post for MAGIC DISHWASHER was Message 40044 (Spying Game II) which posited Voldemort as an equally clever master of misinformation, displaying his skills in the Graveyard Scene of GoF. "MAGIC DISHWASHER: Spying Game II" accepts that Voldemort desperately wants to kill Harry but posits Smart!Voldemort, who likely knows that killing Harry could be difficult: Harry at the end of GoF has survived Voldemort at the height of his powers, Quirrelmort, Voldemort as Tom Riddle, a werewolf, 100 Dementors, plus assorted giant spiders, basilisks, Whomping Willows, dragons etc, etc. [40044] So Voldemort has a Plan B—feed Harry false information so that if he does escape, Dumbledore and the old gang will be looking in exactly the directions that Voldemort wants them to look. MAGIC DISHWASHER: Spying Game II adherents must accept several core arguments: Voldemort is smart, Voldemort is a liar, and not all of the DEs were disloyal during the Exile. Certain details, such as exactly which DEs are loyal [40050, 40056] and who enchanted the Portkey to return to Hogwarts, are open to interpretation: The other possibility is that the cup was already enchanted as a portkey, to get whomever touched it to the entrance of the maze, and Crouch!Moody, being incapable of destroying that enchantment, simply put one before it: the one that sends you to the graveyard. [40059] The MAGIC DISHWASHER is currently the only kitchen appliance in the Bay with a theory of its very own. The difficulty of fitting any adherents on, or indeed inside a dishwasher, led to the construction of a Safe House, with the DISHWASHER installed safely in the kitchen—of course. Located in 'the scary part of the bay, where all the spies and conspiracy theorists hang out' [40476], the Safe House is open to 'any and all spies or conspiracy theorists, and is available for debriefings of agents … Agatha Christie enthusiasts will also find a ready welcome.' [40421] Some DISHWASHERites have vigorously defended the canon basis of the theory against all challenges. Lately, DISHWASHERites have diversified, opining on the compatibility of MAGIC DISHWASHER with unrelated theories [46945]. Despite the controversy that swirls around MAGIC DISHWASHER, there is one thing upon which all Theory Bay theorists can agree: most everyone has some sort of opinion about the DISHWASHER [39718, 39722, 47093, 47099, 47100, 47106]. aka: Poor Harry's Immortality's Likely Over. Sadly, Omens & Prophecies Have Exposed Rowling's Secret. Surely This Occurrence is Not Essential! [38604] Stoned!Harry proposes that Harry is much, much more than your average wizard. Adherents to Stoned!Harry flatly reject the idea that Harry survived his first encounter with Voldemort only because of his mother's love [38543]. Instead, based on an alchemical interpretation of the symbols surrounding Harry (stag, phoenix, lion, serpent, green, red) they are utterly convinced that Harry is the living embodiment of the Philosopher's Stone—and is therefore immortal [38511]. What Harry's immortality might mean, however, is something about which there is no consensus. Some think that Harry might be called upon to surrender his immortality to defeat Voldemort [38543]. Others think that Dumbledore may have created Harry to fulfill a prophesy, or even to neutralize Tom Riddle—whom Dumbledore also created in another experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong [38547]. The fun really begins, however, in the spirited efforts to predict exactly *how* Harry will meet his maker when he surrenders his immorality. Some theorists cheerfully predict Harry's demise by beheading or, based on Christian metaphors, crucifixion [38561, 38589, 38593, 38608, 38615]. Others enthusiastically point the finger at Ron, noting that Harry and Ron rose from the table together in PoA [38565]. Other more squeamish theorists take comfort in imagining that Harry, the savior of the wizarding world, will be resurrected—leaving both the wizarding and muggle worlds weak-kneed with relief [38623]. Fortunately, none of this gruesome speculation seems to have upset personified Stoned!Harry himself, whom theorizers often deliberately distract by tossing the Snitch over the Bay when the more graphic details of his imminent passing are discussed. He wanders the Bay aimlessly, striding easily on top of the water, turning up in all sort of places to assist theorizers with a random spell, oddly oblivious to his awful fate. Most readers assume that the woman and one of the two unnamed men in the Pensieve scene are Snape's old classmates, the Lestranges. This seems strongly suggested by Sirius's claim that the Lestranges are in Azkaban, as well as by Voldemort's insistence that the Lestranges were "loyal." But if two of Crouch Jr.'s three co-defendants in the Pensieve scene were the Lestranges, then who was the mysterious Fourth Man? And why does he receive no special mention along with his fellow loyalists in the graveyard scene?
Fourth Man proposes that the fourth defendant was someone we already know: Death Eater Avery. It suggests that Avery was pardoned and released from prison some time after Crouch Jr.'s ostensible death and Crouch Sr.'s fall from political power. Fourth Man points out that while the text seems to go out of its way to draw the reader's attention to Avery, he alone of the Death Eaters has no other connection to the plot: the details of his past crimes are left unspecified, he has no known children at Hogwarts, the reader has never even heard his name mentioned before GoF. Fourth Man also points out that in his one canonical appearance, Avery is not only masked, but also goes completely physically undescribed; even his normal speaking voice is obscured. Avery has a name, but neither a face nor a role; the Fourth Man has both a face and a role, but no name. It is therefore tempting – nay, irresistable! – to assume these two characters to be one and the same. Variations on this theory include "Fourth Man with Remorse" (guilt-tormented Avery is genuinely repentant, but extremely weak-willed), "Fourth Man with SHIP" (Avery was in love with Mrs. Lestrange), "Fourth Man with Imperius" (Avery participated in the torture of the Longbottoms while under the Imperius Curse), and "Fourth Man with Innocence" (although indeed guilty of being a Death Eater, Avery was actually innocent of any degree of complicity in the Longbottom Affair) – as well as various combinations thereof. Because the Fourth Man theory grew out of a previous "Redeemable Avery" defense [34911], most of its variations are designed to excuse his behavior or to mitigate in some way the extent of his wickedness. (Message 38,342 provides EIGHT variants!) After all, Avery has enough problems without being despised by the reader as well. Fourth Man was introduced in Message 35,062. It was originally depicted as a tiny kayak ("battling the currents of canonical plausibility"), but due to overcrowding, the Fourth Man-ers upgraded to a spacious hovercraft. Adherents to the Fourth Man Theory like to joke about having Avery himself on board as their mascot, although he rarely does anything but sulk. [Message 35,062, 36,473] Suspicions about Fudge's trustworthiness go back as far as those halcyon days when GoF first came out. But only recently did this Hedgehoggian theory get its own acronym: F.I.E.! (Fudge. Is. Evil.) (often rendered Fie!). The first (and only) tenet of FIE is that everything Fudge does is a manifestation of his Secret Evilness. [35,657] Just how evil is Cornelius Fudge? Plenty Evil. Supremely Evil. Evil To The Core. Fudge's outwardly solicitous manner toward Harry at the Leaky Cauldron at the beginning of PoA is Evil:
Fudge's behavior when Harry arrives back on the Hogwarts grounds after the third task is Evil:
Fudge's zeal to capture Sirius Black is Evil:
Evil Fudge probably helped frame Sirius in the first place:
One variant of FIE maintains that Fudge even lied about Sirius' laughter:
When it's time to account for Pettigrew's missing wand, guess who comes to mind?
And of course, the pièce de résistance, Fudge's setting the dementor on Crouch Jr. was no accident. It was Evil, Evil, Evil:
Evil Fudge may well have had good reason to rub out Crouch Jr.:
And for those who doubt the incontrovertible truth of FIE, here's a whole slew of acronyms to prove it: F.I.E. O.N. G.O.O.D.N.E.S.S. (Fudge Is Evil: One Nasty Guy Opposes Old Dumbledore, Nixes Even Severus Snape) [35,653] F.I.D.E.D.I.G.N.O. (Fudge Is Definitely an Evil-Doer--It's Generally Not Obvious) [35,657] F.I.S.H.F.I.N.G.E.R.S. (Fudge's Incompetent Spinelessness Hides Foul Intentions Governing Every Regressive Step) [35,699] N.E.W. L.A.B.O.U.R.-C.O.N.S.E.R.V.A.T.I.V.E. (Nefarious Evil Wizard Likes Appeasing Bad Old Unmentionable Ruler. Cack-handed Official Not Simply Erring Randomly: Versatile Actor Truly Is Voldemort's Employee)[35,717] H.E.A.D. I.N. S.A.N.D. (Hypocritical Effete Asinine Dolt Is Nefarious Servant, Actually Nursing Darkness) [35,742] G.I.A.N.T.C.U.S.H.I.O.N. (Ginny Isn't A Naive, Trivial Child Unworthy of Securing Harry's Interest: Object Now!) is a society devoted to fans and defenders of Ginny. [33,117]. It's not really a society, if truth be told. It is more of a flotation device, really, a type of convenient and portable seating for its members as they visit various SHIPs in Theory Bay to plead Ginny's case:
GIANTCUSHION believers have reached no consensus on the best pairing for Ginny or even whether any pairing is advisable. There's the ever-popular Harry/Ginny: "As far as I'm concerned, JKR is heading towards a Ginny that is plenty worthy of my somewhat premature admiration, and of Harry's as well, if she's still interested." [33,101] There's also the "extracanonical Ginny ship – Redeemed!Draco/Feisty!Ginny." [33,100] And there are the legions of Uncommitted, preferring to leave Ginny unattached – for now. [33,140, 33,141] When those who are less enamored of Ginny muster the courage to say so, however, GIANTCUSHION adherents, regardless of SHIP preference, band together in a hurry. So far, no giant cushion has been used as a weapon to defend Ginny's honor. Ginny detractors should consider themselves properly warned. "Everything Happens For A Reason in the Potterverse!" So goes the rallying cry for creative canon theorizing in Theory Bay. No detail is too insignificant, no scene too pointless, no chapter too mundane to be the basis for speculation. Or is it? GARBAGE SCOW undermines the very foundation of creative theorizing. All Theory Bay theories rest on the premise that everything JKR writes Means Something. Indeed, "the complexities of these theories are born when a reader focuses on details that seem insignificant and imbues them with significance." [40082]. But if that is the case—if everything means something in the Potterverse—what is to be done with bits of canon that seem superfluous—canon that doesn't appear to "contribute anything to the rest of the story, either as a clue-pointer-outer, a character definer, a mood-setter, or even a red herring"? The answer is cruel in its efficiency—superfluous bits of canon are loaded on the GARBAGE SCOW (G.A.R.B.A.G.E. S.C.O.W.--Gibberish, Altogether Redundant Blather And Gobbledegook Everywhere! Superfluous Can(n)on Obtains Welcome) for a trip to the Theory Bay landfill. [40082, 40188]. Alas, one person's superfluous chapter can be another person's indispensable can(n)on. This tension has led to some rather heated scuffling on the deck of the GARBAGE SCOW, which is the only Theory Bay vessel that has come under direct assault by those who wish to salvage their favorite scenes, resulting in a certain amount of pilfering of can(n)ons in broad daylight. [40138, 40257, 40297, 40324, 40346, 40360, 41188, 41317, 41592, 41607, 43081]. Although the Theory Bay inhabitants reached no consensus on the fate of the theories dragged aboard the GARBAGE SCOW, surely they ought to be able to agree on one thing: Waste will always be with us. Epilogue"Well!" said the Magical Moderators, clapping their hands together and looking around cheerfully. "That seems to clear that up! List-elves, we'll take this back, shall we?" One Mod folded the parchment and tucked it under his rock. "Listies, come with us, we need a word about my Lexicon essay – excuse us, List-elves –" The Listies didn't dare look at the Mods as they left the main list. The Mods and the Listies navigated all the way back to the HPfGU main page before speaking. Then the Listies turned to the Mods. "Magical Mods, we –" "We don't want to hear explanations," said the Mods shortly. They glanced around the empty corridor and lowered their voices. "We happen to know canon subversion has been going on for many messages. Yes, we know it's subversion," they said as the Listies looked amazed. "We don't want to know how this document fell into your possession. We are, however, astounded that you didn't hand it in. Particularly after what happened the last time you wrote a Theory Bay post. And we can't let you have it back, Listies." The Listies had expected that, and were too keen for explanations to protest. "Why did the list-elves think we'd need it?" "Because… ." the Mods hesitated, "because these list-elves would have wanted to lure you Listies right off-canon. They'd think it extremely entertaining." "Do you know them?" said the Listies, impressed. "We've met," they said shortly. They were looking at the Listies more seriously than ever before. "Don't expect us to save you from Theory Bay again, Listies. We cannot force you to take canon seriously. But we would have thought that what you read in our weekly canon discussions would have had more of an effect on you. Yahoo gave us its bandwidth to keep HPfGU alive, Listies. A poor way to repay them – gambling their resources on a bunch of leaky SHIPs." They walked away, leaving the Listies feeling rather confused. Slowly, they made their way back to the main list. As the Listies passed the page of half-baked theories, they remembered that Hypothetic Alley was on their hard drives. So they opened the file and read it again. And in a flash they were back in Theory Bay, splashing about happily, creating implausible theories based on the flimsiest of evidence, and stuffing Inish Alley full of acronyms. <"((>< AcknowledgementsThe Hypothetic Alley editors wish to thank Pippin, Eloise, Kimberly, Charis Julia, Marina, Aberforth's Goat, Amy Z, Judyserenity, Diana, and the Ever So Clever members of HPfGU. |
All original material is copyright 2002, Harry Potter for Grownups. Do not use this material without permission! |