Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – the Abridged Script SCENE 1: PRIVET DRIVE HARRY POTTER walks into his room, only to find an annoying creature with big eyes and bat-like ears sitting on his remarkably small bed. HARRY POTTER Hi, I’m Harry Potter, an insecure but clearly powerful young wizard. What the hell are you? CREATURE Meeza called Dobby-Dobby Binks. Meeza your humble servant. Meeza house-elf and not oppressed. Honestly. DOBBY-DOBBY bangs his head against the wall, for no apparent reason. HARRY Oh, well. Just don’t do any magic, okay? ‘Cos my evil, wicked stepparents hate magic, and wizards, and witches, and it’s not because my aunt Petunia is jealous, honestly. So keep your ancient, powerful, wandless magic I assume you hose-elves posses to yourself, okay? Dobby-Dobby bangs his head against the bedpost, for no apparent reason. DOBBY-DOBBY Okey-day. But you must-a-not gooza back to Hogwarts! Terrible things will happen to you if youza going back there, terrrrrrrible things! STAR WARS GEEKS IN AUDIENCE Hmmm… where have I seen this one before? Dobby-Dobby bangs bed against his head, while sticking a fork into his hand and twisting it, for no apparent reason. HARRY Oh, but I have to, ‘cos all my friends are there, and I make up for my lack of self confidence by flying real fast on a cleaning utility catching small, winged nuts. Balls, I mean. This is supposed to be an R-rated movie. DOBBY-DOBBY Youza in big doodoo this time. Youza leave Dobby-Dobby no choice. Dobby runs downstairs (after he has banged his head against the sharp edges of Harry’s desk, tearing his ears off with his bare hands and removed his spleen with a rusty spoon, for no apparent reason), into the kitchen and LEVITATES a big pudding, then drops it on the floor, splashing it all over the place. PETUNIA (played by ROBIN WILLIAMS in drag) has cream all over her face, looking up, making an annoying noise. DIRECTOR COLUMBUS Wow, I’m soooo clever, re-using that scene from “Mrs Doubtfire” again. Suddenly, an OWL zooms in through the window, delivering a letter. VERNON DURSLEY reads it with an evil grin. VERNON So, Harry-boy… It says here you’re not allowed to do magic during summer breaks. Well, I’m not afraid of you. Now, go to your room! Harry’s cousin DUDLEY, played by the guy/s who played Jabba the Hutt agrees. Harry runs sobbing to his room. Cut to INT Harry’s room. For some reason a car is hovering outside the window. The car is a FORD ANGLIA. This is very IMPORTANT. It can’t be stretched enough. The car is a FORD ANGLIA. Inside the FORD ANGLIA sits a few dozen CGI REDHEADS, all identical. One of them is probably RON WEASLEY, Harry’s best friend. The others are most likely FRED, BARNEY, GEORGE, JERRY, KRAMER, HUEY, LOUIE, DEWEY, JOEY, CHANDLER, GRED, FORGE, SLEEPY, GRUMPY, HARDY, GIMLI and so forth. FRED Jump GEORGE In, BARNEY Harry JERRY Potter! HENRY We’re GRED Going KENNY To HARDY BOYS Take you to ALL REDHEADS BUT RON THE BURROW™! HARRY Okay. The FLYING FORD ANGLIA flies to the BURROW™. SCENE 2: EXT THE BURROW™ Another few dozens of redheads play in the morning light, birds sing, the rainbow is visible in the glow of the rising sun, happy tunes are played on the soundtrack, kids laughing, unicorns playing, the whole everything is great trick… Enter MOLLY WEASLEY, who looks and acts exactly as Cindy Walsh (mother of twins Brendan and Brando of 90210 fame). She is of course played by Carol POTTER. Note the name pun. MOLLY I will now yell at you boys for taking your father’s enchanted, and apparently FLYING, FORD ANGLIA, but I will do so in a loving motherly manner, and I won’t hold the grudge for long. I will simply punish you by making you take care of the GARDEN GNOMES, an activity you actually enjoy, because it is funny tossing little midgets over the fence, making them dizzy. DIRECTOR COLUMBUS Yeah, and it also adds a certain kids-cutie quality and a lot more CGI:s MOLLY Look in these books by GILDEROY LOCKHART how to do it. Note that, even though I have drawn little hearts around his pictures, I do not have a crush on him. A few hundred redheads and Harry toss midgets over fences. This is FUNNY. The midgets scream in high-pitched voices. This is FUNNY. The midgets stumble and fall over in a drunken way. This is extremely FUNNY. Enter ARTHUR WEASLEY (played by RON Howard. Note the name pun). He is the loving father of a few thousand redhead boys and one redhead girl, GINNY, who is yet to speak. ARTHUR C’mon boys and girl, lets FLOO to DIAGON ALLEY and buy books, even though I can’t really afford it, given that my wife has spent dozens of GALLEONS, hundreds of KNUTS, several SICKLES, a lot of KA-CHINGS and a few trippens heppens on books by Gilderoy Lockhart, whom I by the way is not jealous of. SCENE 3: INT THE BURROW™. Arthur throws powder into the fireplace and step into the fire. This is cool, because it’s CGI. Harry does so to. CUT TO some creepy, old-fashioned store. Various evil magical artefacts cover the shelves. RIGHT-WING RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISTS WHO WATCHES THE TRAILER AAAARRRGH! Harry Potter is in liaison with the Devil. Boycott this movie! Burn all Harry Potter books! Do other stuff we used to do in the 12:th-14:th century! AAAARRRGH! HARRY Whoops! Wrong place! Harry sneaks out to a dark alley. This is, obviously, called Nocturnally. He walks to the sunlit, crowded and very pittoresque, medieval-styled Diagon Alley. He teams up with the Weasleys and enters FLOURISH & NOBLES, the bookstore. CUT TO INT F&N, where HUGH GRANT is giving out autographs. Enter ALAN CUMMINGS. ALAN Hey, Hugh! Get outta here, I’m Lockhart now! HUGH (MUMBLING NERVOUSLY, DRAWS FINGERS THROUGH HIS HAIR) Mm, well, well. I suppose… I… mm… dunno… ALAN (AS GILDEROY LOCKHART) Hi! I’m Gilderoy Lockhart. You may remember me from such book signings as “Haggling with Hags – meet the author” and “Gilderoy Lockhart – the man behind the smile”. I have won Witch Weekly’s Most dashing Smile Award seven years in a row. I am also an egocentric scumbag, but I pretend not to. MALE MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE Well, duh! FEMALE MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE Oooooh! He is SO cute! LOCKHART Everyone, could I have your attention? I am in constant need of attention, so don’t be surprised if I’m the next DADA teacher at HOGWARTS. Did I mention I won Witch Weekly's most amazingly dazzling divine smile award twelve years in a row? NORMAL AUDIENCE MEMBER What’s DADA? AUDIENCE MEMBER WHO’S ALSO MEMBER OF HPFGU OR SUCH Hello? Defence Against the Dark Arts, dimwit. Check the FAQ:s, will you!? Meanwhile, a sinister-looking LUCIUS MALFOY obviously sneaks a diary in Ginny’s bag. She still hasn’t uttered a word. Arthur and Lucius fight. They obviously don’t like each other. SCENE 4: KINGS CROSS A long row of redhead boys walks to a point between platforms 9 and 10 and vanishes in thin air. Ginny does so too, without saying a word. RON Hey Harry, shall we go to Platform 9¾ and catch the HOGWARTS EXPRESS, which all students take, even though many of them live in Scotland, Wales or northern England, which makes the detour to London quite unnecessary? HARRY Yeah. They go to the same point where thousands of Weasleys disappeared earlier, but hit a barrier instead. We can see a quietly giggling Dobby-Dobby looking out from behind a corner. RON Hey, I know! Let’s use dad’s car, the FORD ANGLIA, to get to HOGWARTS! HARRY Oh, you mean the FLYING FORD ANGLIA? Yes, I can see no other solution whatsoever. Let’s do that, even though we’re 12 and can’t drive, underage wizards who’re not permitted to do magic, and even though Enchanted Muggle™ artefacts are prohibited. Not to mention that your already extremely poor father probably will get fired from his job at the ministry. Let’s go! CUT TO FLYING FORD ANGLIA. The boys get in the car, and flies away. SCENE 5: EXT HOGWARTS GROUNDS The FLYING FORD ANGLIA comes flying and hits a large tree. The tree hits back. HARRY AND RON D’oh! The boys get thrown out, and the car disappears into the FOREST. CUT TO INT the GREAT HALL. The Potions master, professor SNAPE, awaits Harry and Ron. He looks evil, but he’s really not. SNAPE Stop breaking rules, or I’ll have you expelled! HARRY & RON Yeah, as if! Enter HERMIONE. The tension between her and Ron is obvious. To others, the tension is much more obvious between her and Harry. HERMIONE Stop breaking rules, or Snape’ll have you expelled! RON Oh stop that. You have such a bad case of know-it-allism. HERMIONE I don’t! Hey, that’s not even a word! RON I rest my case. SCENE 6: THE QUIDDITCH PRACTISING PITCH After practise, the Slytherin team introduces their new seeker, the slimy DRACO MALFOY. He is clearly very nasty, and insults Hermione. For no romantic reasons whatsoever, Ron gets angry and fires his wand. It is however dysfunctional, leading to an entire day of Ron belching slugs. This is funny, yet pivotal. SCENE 7: THE DADA CLASSROOM LOCKHART Hi, I’m Gilderoy Lockhart. You may remember me from such educational publishings as “Dances with Werewolves” and “Humphrey, the friendly Boggart”. I’m also the winner of Witch Weekly’s “Most charming, attractive, intelligent, rich, sensitive and humble hunk on the face of the earth” Award every year since I was a little kid. BOYS Pffft..! GIRLS Lockhart unleashes a box of really cool CGI PIXIES. There is total mayhem. We somehow get the idea that Lockhart is not as competent as he claims to be. LOCKHART Don’t forget the Duelling Club tonight! SCENE 8: THE DUELLING CLUB Lockhart and Snape are at the podium. Their wands are out. As Lockhart tells the students to watch closely as he will show them how to duel properly, Snape disarms him, using some fake Latin spell. We somehow get the idea that Lockhart is not as competent as he claims to be. SNAPE Disarmus wandum! The kids start duelling each other. Somehow a snake appears, heading for a HUFFLEPUFF boy. Harry runs towards the snake. HARRY Hissss! Hzzzzz! Hisssisssshisssszzz! We somehow get the impression that Harry can talk to snakes. SCENE 9: THE ROOM OUTSIDE THE TOILETS Mrs NORRIS, a cat, is lying petrified. Painted in red letters on the wall is the message “The Chamber of secrets is opened 24-7. All purebloods welcome! Please, no Muggles, mudbloods or squibs!” Everyone think it’s Harry’s fault, since he can talk to snakes. The connection is obvious. CUT TO PROFESSOR BINNS’ classroom. CLASS Professor Binns, what is the Camber of Secrets? BINNS Oh it’s a secret chamber. A hideous monster lives there, and every once in a while it creeps out, killing Mudbloods and such. It’s really creepy. Oh, BTW, Salazar Slytherin built it, so my guess is that the last remaining ancestor of Slytherin will be responsible for unleashing the monster this time. CLASS Don’t you mean the last remaining *descendant* of Slytherin? BINNS Oh, yes. Of course. How silly of me. You’ll fix that on the DVD release, won’t you? FILM EXECUTIVES Of course. SCENE 10: THE GIRL’S TOILET The girl’s toilet is out of order, because it’s haunted by a girl ghost named MOANING MYRTLE. HARRY Look, a diary! I will read it. Harry reads the diary. He gets sucked into it and sees a young HAGRID as well as a young boy, totally resembling Harry. The boy’s name is Tom Marvolo Riddle, which will make sense later on. It appears that Hagrid was expelled because he had bred a hideous monster in his dorm some fifty years ago. Harry leaps back from the Diary. HARRY Hey, we’ve got to ask Hagrid about the monster. RON Okay, as long as it doesn’t involve any spiders, which I am terrified of. I’m like totally having a bad case of arachnophobia today. CUT TO Hagrid’s hut. Hagrid is HUGE. He is also CGI, because ROBBIE COLTRANE is not quite that huge. HAGRID Ye oughta follo’ em spiders, lads! RON D’oh! CUT TO the FORBIDDEN FOREST. Harry and Ron follow the trail of spiders, even though it’s really dark and the spiders are really small. They bump into a large, hideous monster spider, which wants to eat them. This is really scary. Suddenly the boys gets rescued by a FLYING FORD ANGLIA. HARRY & RON Thanks, KIT! FLYING FORD ANGLIA You’re welcome, Mike. SCENE 11: THE CASTLE. Enter NEARLY HEADLESS NICK, a ghost played by John Cleese. The theme from Monty Python’s Flying Circus is heard. NHN walks silly. He suddenly stops, sees something hideous off screen and gets petrified. NHN Oh stop that, it’s silly! You’re no fun anymore! SCENE 12: THE QUIDDITCH PITCH LEE JORDAN Hi and welcome to this film’s obligatory Quidditch Match. Today we will see a great match, filled with fast CGI Quidditch players. This scene alone costs more than the collective works of Kevin Smith and Hal Hartley combined. The match is between our beloved Gryffindor, with the excellent, yet humble Harry Potter, and the slimy scumbags of Slytherin, with their new seeker Draco Malfoy, who clearly has bought his way to the team using his father’s filthy money. I am not judgemental. The game is on. Gryffindor plays well and honest, Slytherin plays foul. Gryffindor wins. SCENE 13: THE CASTLE Some more people gets petrified, including the annoying COLIN CREEPY. Everyone suspects Harry, but he, Ron and Hermione believe it’s Malfoy’s fault, because he is nasty. Harry and Ron transforms into Crabbengoyle, Malfoy’s trusty, but dim-witted henchmen. Disguised as Crabbengoyle, they try to get Malfoy to talk, but he declares it’s not his fault, though he wishes to shake hands with he who is responsible. Meanwhile, Hermione is partly transformed to a cat, which is funny, and we get to see a few more CGI:s. After Hermione is normal again, she gets hardly no rest at all until she, too, is petrified. In her hand, she holds a note saying “The hideous monster is a basilisk, you know, the only mythical snake-like monster who can petrify people.” Meanwhile, Ron’s sister Ginny (who is yet to say a word) has disappeared, probably taken by the basilisk to the Chamber of Secrets. Harry and Ron decide to find the basilisk and kill it. And, while they’re at it, close the Chamber and rescue Ginny. SCENE 14: THE GIRL’S TOILET HARRY I believe the entrance to the Chamber of secrets is here somewhere. MOANING MYRTLE Yes, try that pipe over there. Harry tries an open-up-spell in fake Latin. HARRY Openus Uppus Pipum! It doesn’t work. Ron tells him to use the proper plumbing tool, but it doesn’t work either. Suddenly Harry gets an idea. HARRY Hzzzz! SUBTITLES Hey, pipe! I’m speaking snake lingo, because pipes, like snakes, are long and slimy and make scary noises in the middle of the night, so I believe you understand me. Now open up, will you! The pipe opens up. Suddenly, Lockhart enters. LOCKHART Hi, I’m Gilderoy Lockhart. You may remember me from such monster slaying missions as “Yeti – hideous snowman or harmless Bigfoot-cousin?” and “Gildy, the Vampire Slayer”. By the way, did I mention that I’ve won Witch Weekly’s “Most desirable male ever, including Brad Pitt, Adonis, Casanova and Don Juan” Award every week since I was an embryo? Let me guide you through these narrow pipes, possibly containing a monster of sorts. HARRY AND RON Okay, whatever, dude. You have no wand, so we reckon you’re quite harmless. Once they reach the bottom of the pipes, deep, deep, deep underground, Lockhart snaps Ron’s wand and points it at the boys. We somehow get the impression that he’s not as noble as he claims to be. LOCKHART Boys, I will now perform a memory charm on you, the only spell I actually can perform, thus taking full credit for rescuing the castle from the terrifying basil-whats-its-name. Furthermore, I shall leave you here to your certain doom. God, I’m nasty! He fires Ron’s wand, which backfires. That makes sense, because we knew that it was dysfunctional from the slug incident. Lockhart now becomes a nervous mumbling idiot. Enter Hugh Grant. HUGH GRANT Hey, this must be the part I was born to play! Can I play Lockhart from now on? DIRECTOR COLUMBUS Sure. The ground caves in, leaving Ron and Hugh Grant behind. Harry must continue on his own. SCENE 15: THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS Harry sees a young boy, whom he recognises as Tom Marvolo Riddle. He also sees Ginny, who just stands there, not saying a word. Riddle explains the situation. RIDDLE Hi Harry. Nice to meet you in person. I am the memory of Tom Marvolo Riddle. Thanks to young Ginny here I have come back to almost life. HARRY Oh, okay, welcome back, but watch out, I believe the heir of Slytherin is around. He is nasty, and has a basilisk. RIDDLE Really? *I* have a basilisk! HARRY Get out! Don’t tell me you were in Slytherin, too? RIDDLE Sure was. I, too, am an heir of Slytherin. HARRY Pull the other one! Could it be that you’re also a Parseltounge? RIDDLE Hzzzzzz! HARRY Ha ha! Yeah, good one! But have you heard this? Hzzzz hisshissss Hzzzz! RIDDLE AND HARRY Ha ha ha! HARRY But seriously, have you seen any suspicious guys around? Or any big snakes with petrifying eyes? RIDDLE (POINTING) Yeah, how about that one? Enter BASIL, a giant serpent and clearly the basilisk we’ve been waiting for the entire movie. Suddenly (perhaps by a little help from the anagram Riddle does with his name “Tom Marvolo Riddle” => “I am Lord Voldemort”) Harry realises what’s going on. Basil attacks Harry. DUMBLEDORE (VOICE-OVER) Use the force, Harry! HARRY Master Dumbledore? What force? DUMBLEDORE The force of the sorting hat, now delivered to you by my pet phoenix Fawkes. FAWKES the PHOENIX enters, carrying a sorting hat. Inside the hat is a sword, which Harry uses, trying to slay Basil. However, Harry gets bitten, and will meet a certain doom. RIDDLE (LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY) Ha ha ha! This is the end of you and your pitiful little band. Now, young Potter, you will die! Suddenly Fawkes starts crying, and the tears heal Harry’s wound. Harry regains his strength and slays Basil. RIDDLE (DISAPPOINTED) Oh, shit, again with the Phoenix tears and their healing powers, I always forget. Oh well, better try plan B. The force is strong with you, young Potter, I can feel it. Join me, and your journey toward the dark side will be complete! HARRY No! I’ll never join you! You petrified Hermione (whom I don’t have a crush on, btw) and got Hagrid expelled! And you killed my mother and my father. You’re just mean! RIDDLE Harry, I am your father. Join me, and together we shall rule Hogwarts as father and son! JK ROWLING Stop that, stop that! Chris, I thought I told you: None of that Star Wars nonsense! DIRECTOR COLUMBUS Sorry, got a bit carried away. Oh well, back to the film. RIDDLE OK, so I’m not your father, but you can’t kill me, cos I’m not alive. I’m merely a memory. In a diary. A diary, basically consisting of destroyable paper. HARRY Aha! The diary! I had a feeling the diary was involved somehow. Harry destroys the diary. Riddle disappears, Ginny wakes up and they both take the Phoenix express back to the castle, picking up Ron and Hugh Grant as they go. SCENE 16: THE GREAT HALL Everyone is happy, except the Slytherin students. DUMBLEDORE Gryffindor won the house cup, again. Tweak! Nitwick! Blubber! Ka-ching! Qoi-Gon! CUT TO Gryffindor table. PERCY is making out with PENELOPE. Gred and Forge pull a joke. Everyone laughs. The end