Done! Professor Snape, er, Mr. Crouch, sir!

[elfundeb]

Debbie, dressed in Hermione-style Nazi jack-boots, skids to a halt in front of the Potions classroom, pulls the door open, and dashes inside.

But it wasn't Professor Snape who looked up at him from the teacher's desk; it was Mr. Crouch.

"Where's Professor Snape?"

"The Cataloguing process has been streamlined. You will turn your work in directly to me."

"Oh, yes! I have my first catalogue right here! I was ever so pleased to be asked to work on it, and I've been working like a House-Elf ever since! I finished it almost three weeks ago, but since then I reworked the entire catalogue to incorporate the latest editions of "Unfogging the Messages" (by Cindy C. and Elkins Vlabatsky) and "One Thousand Magical Herbs and Topic Terms" (ed. Dicentra Spectabilis Alba). I also added a special "highlights and lowlights" section - I do hope it's not too long - it's many rows of Excel more than the Professors asked for." 

"You must follow the rules here, and your first thousand should have been turned in as soon as it was completed." 

"But I found a problem with the textbooks, sir. . . . . Cindy claimed that Hagrid killed his mother Fridwulfa to save Dumbledore, and I needed the to confirm the correct topic term, but Magical Drafts and Topic Terms does not include the term for Kin-Slaying. I've been looking for days."

"This first task was designed to test your speed and tenacity, not your proofreading skills. Now, you say you have highlights for me. Let me hear them." 

"Yes, sir. This was a grim time on the list, as I'm sure you're aware, but there were occasional flashes of humor. Such as:

29345, in which, responding to someone who claimed that Sirius was laughing because of "the gallows humor effect", Peg Kerr said "What . . . being dropped from the gallows? And you're still here?"

29433 - in which Joywitch suggested that wizarding insurance companies are run by trolls "as they are in the Muggle world."

29674-- in which Cindy admitted that not all of her theories are "serious." 

29816 -- in which Jim Ferer compared Dumbledore to "that great Slytherin, Don Vito Corleone." 

29901 -- in which an enterprising newbie delurked by declaring Minerva McGonagall to be Ever! so Evil. 

29969 - in which, sadly, scared off by many spirited defenses of McGonagall, said newbie recanted, admitting she wasn't really serious."

"Is that all?" asked Mr. Crouch. "Very well, you may return to your dungeon with your next thousand posts, while we review . . . ."

"But I have lowlights, too, sir. Unfortunately, sir, I'm sorry to report that quite a few listees posted messages in clear violation of the rules. There was a particularly dreadful thread entitled "Scarf! I Must Have One!" Landmark post #30000 was written for the express purpose of claiming "I got 30000" with only the slenderest excuse for canon included. And there were endless introductions and movie queries and merchandise requests by new members who had not read your rules and regulations."

"I trust you remember the many proofs I have given, over a long career, that I despise and detest the presence of rule violations on the main list and those who practice such things?"

"Oh yes, Mr. Crouch, I never suggested that you had anything to do with it! Your department was on full alert, sir, trying to cajole and then Stun the recalcitrant newbies into submission. Do you know, sir, that for three days (Nov. 22-24, 2001), the Mods were posting Admin warnings to the list at the rate of 4 or 5 a day?  And that doesn't count two desperate pleas posted by ordinary members. 

Things were so bad that even one of your own List-Elves felt compelled to make a trembling on-list confession of rule violations (#29593 --  "I is being a bad List-Elf for not checking the archives . . . .")"

"If you accuse my elf, you accuse me!"

"Oh, but after that all the good little newbies (and there *were* some) felt compelled to begin *every* message with "I checked the archives and I didn't find anything on this . . . ."

"Very well. You have been of assistance. However, I expect you to take a more challenging selection of posts this time."

"Yes, sir! I've already started, sir.  And I'll turn it in the moment I've finished."

Debbie, who found cataloguing endless admin warnings and OT posts extremely easy

and likes Porphyria's new format/font combo very much


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