Review of the Scottish premiere last Tuesday [tiny spoiler, clearly spaced)

[Chris M. Dickson]

(Oh, go and read about Cassie shaking Dan Radcliffe's hand instead.
http://pub51.ezboard.com/fhpparadisefrm17.showMessage?topicID=80.topic
It's much more interesting than this!)

My tale begins on October 17th, when John Walton posts a message to
HPFGU-London asking "who wants to go to the Edinburgh premiere?" -
later, The Leaky Cauldron confirms this with an Empire Online posting; a
dozen tickets are on auction at qxl.com, with the MS Society in Scotland
to benefit. The minimum bid is GBP 25, with a payment of GBP 250
sufficient to purchase a ticket outright without any of the stresses of
the auction procedure.

Some humming, ha'ing and budget-balancing later, a bad thing happens to
a good credit card and I purchase the second ticket of the twelve. Over
the coming six days, six single tickets are bought this way; the other
six are sold as three pairs (two pairs at twice GBP 175, one at twice
GBP 185). A phone call to a nice lady at the charity confirms and
organises the payment and I start to hint, darkly but knowingly, about a
brush with greatness in my signature.

A few days later, the ticket arrives, itself a miniature of the
evocative image of one of the movie posters. The premiere is taking
place as the official grand opening of the new Ster Century cinema,
itself one attraction in a brand new shopping mall called "Ocean
Terminal". It's situated in Leith, a dockside district of Edinburgh, a
few minutes north of the centre of Scotland's capital. I book a room in
a cheap B&B ("Bed and Breakfast" - a guest house, or downmarket
family-owned hotel) in Leith and happily daydream about what I might see
for a week in advance.

Tuesday comes, as does a trim at the barber's shop and the three trains
required for Middlesbrough to Edinburgh (all habitually late). After
reading Philosopher's Stone once more, I catch a bus from outside
Edinburgh Waverley to the Ocean Terminal mall. The red carpet has
already been laid outside the main entrance; event organisers were
preparing for fans to appear, collecting autographs and the like.

A quick look around the mall reveals that perhaps a third or a quarter
of the units have active shops - the rest are either for sale or in
development. A large open-plan cafe dominates one side of the second
floor, with ocean views; this "Ocean Kitchen" is where the receiption
will be held later. Almost all of one side of the (tallest) top floor is
given over to the Ster Century cinema, where the HP posters and banners
are going up already. There's also an exhibit concerning the Royal Yacht
Britannia and its branded merchandise; apparently there's some ownership
connection between Britannia and the Ocean Terminal mall, with some of
the Ocean Terminal design supposedly reflecting a cruise liner.

Half-finished shopping centres are only so interesting, so I make my way
on foot through Leith to the B&B, looking for e-mail payphones as I go.
Interesting shops passed on route include some blacked-out offices
called "Mindsearch" (presumably a recruitment agency with a fancy
name?), a hardware store called Dobbies, a small but interesting
second-hand bookshop and a massage parlour (ehhh). At the twelfth
attempt, I encounter a payphone with e-mail facilities in the middle of
Leith; it's no more than twenty yards out of my route, so I mentally
mark it as a stop for my return journey after the show.

The rest of the journey to the B&B passes without incident. I check in,
collect my room key, have a lie down, have a shave, a shower and change
into my clothes for the big event. The dress code was specified as
"smart casual", which covers a multitude of possibilities; style gurus
counselled "your best suit which doesn't look like you'd wear it to
work, a non-white shirt and no tie". Happily, my green-grey jacket and
complementary shirt turn out reasonably well, eventually placing me at
about the median point of smartness among the audience. A blessed
relief!

The published timetable for the evening is as follows:

5:30pm - Doors open
6:00pm - Reception starts
7:15pm - Progress to movie screens
7:45pm - Screen introductions
8:00pm - Show begins

I wander back to Ocean Terminal, aiming to arrive a little after six.
It's getting colder, but at least it's set to be a dry evening. In my
hand is a little bag with the ticket, camera, umbrella, maps and my copy
of Philosopher's Stone. I check that the ticket is there six times en
route.

Here's the strange bit.

At the penultimate road junction before Ocean Terminal, the road I'm on
merges with another, from the right. A couple join from this road,
walking perhaps three or four metres ahead of me. They are heavily laden
with bags from clothes shops and are walking arm in arm. We're all
walking in the same direction and it dawns on me that it might, might,
possibly maybe just be JKR and the gentleman who accompanied her to the
World Premiere in London. Yes, I had looked at the photos just in case

My heart starts to race and I walk a little faster. (I even walk very
slightly down a junction so I can get a look at their faces from the
side. This is not at all subtle on my part - they notice me doing this
but don't react to it.) The man looks about accurate, but the lady
doesn't look like the JKR we've seen on the photos. This lady is shorter
and younger-looking than JKR's photos. Furthermore, she speaks with a
Scottish accent. I therefore decide that they *aren't* JKR and
companion, but merely a moderate facsimile. I hang back a little.

The couple cross the road to the cinema; I walk a little further forward
to take photos of the occasion. (Huge floodlights are illuminating the
sky; there are little open fires decorating the road; there are at least
fifty or a hundred fans waiting at the sides of the red-carpeted channel
that ticketholders walk down into the venue.) A couple of photos later,
I cross the road, get my ticket out and show it to a bouncer. He
inspects closely, then, to my great relief, waves me down the red
carpet.

Nearly at the end of the red carpet, a stationary family block
everyone's path. Some event staff ask us all to stop for a moment as TV
cameras are taking some shots. We are told that on our left - two yards
away, but with her back turned to us, talking to some people (it's not
clear whether they're fans or other event staff) - is J. K. Rowling.

More emotions than I can handle collide and confuse. First, I decide
that the lady in the couple who I followed *was* JKR after all. Then I
decide that it would probably be best not to interrupt her. Then I
decide that I will go inside the shopping mall and wait for her to come
in and tackle her then. Then I decide I've missed my chance once and for
all. Then I decide that I have made far too many decisions far too
quickly.

In confusion, I go into the shopping mall. Inside, there are fans at the
other side of the railings, almost all with copies of some book or
other, waiting for autographs. It's clear that there wouldn't be a good
place to wait to try to get an autograph. All the same, I hang around
for a short while. JKR doesn't come inside. I decide it would probably
be obvious and incorrect to hang around here for too long.

So I go up to the Ocean Kitchen where the reception is being held,
reflecting over what has happened and what I have missed. The reception
has, I guess, perhaps five hundred people milling aound a forty-yard
square, with staff handing out nibbles (vegetable spring rolls, smoked
salmon on French bread slices, tiny burgers of unspecified meat - and
later some very good garlic bread) and drinks. Sadly, the drinks are
generic: wine, orange juice and mineral water, no attempt at butterbeer.

For the next 45 minutes I wander around the reception, recognising
absolutely nobody, seeing lots of women who look a bit like JKR. They
haven't got hordes cornering them, though, so they can't be her. I see
one person signing an autograph, but can't recognise him. I see one
group getting lots of photographs taken of them, but can't recognise any
of them. The crowds overflow the designated reception area. I think
everyone is looking for JKR - or just someone they recognise. About
3%-5% are in full costume; mostly kids, but also some adult ladies.
There are quite a few Harrys and Hermiones, but no obvious Rons. Another
3%-5% are wearing partial costume, usually a cape or a hat. About one in
three people are obviously carrying a book, hoping for an autograph.

Later reports suggest Sean Biggerstaff (playing Oliver Wood) was there,
but I don't recognise him. Nor do I recognise Chris Columbus or David
Heyman. Nor do I recognise any other celebrities (of which there are
apparently very few - C-list TV host Carol Smilie, crime writer Ian
Rankin and some local comedians whose fame does not extend out of
Scotland.

Finally I see someone with a name badge - they are a director of the MS
Society in Scotland, so I thank him for putting tickets up for auction
online and letting me get there to the venue. I struggle to make small
talk for a while. Shortly after seven, the crowds leave for the cinema
screens. The cinema has twelve screens, and at least the three biggest
(300+ seats each), possibly four, are showing the film. I get a seat in
cinema seven, in the second furthest back row, a single seat at the
aisle end of a half-row of four, next to a party of three who got
tickets from a MS Society employee.

The seats are very nice, made from comfortable leather-effect material,
black, with very good legroom and little cup-holders. Waiting for us on
the seat are a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans and a bag of
sweet popcorn; there is a half-litre bottle of Coke in the cup-holder as
well.

We sit and wait, listening to the soundtrack, as every single seat in
the cinema is filled up. Eventually, the house lights dim, leaving only
a spotlight at the front of stage. A Ster Century executive climbs up
some stairs located in the far corner, brings a microphone to the
spotlight and introduces producer David Heyman to the briefest of polite
applause. David speaks for a few seconds, hoping we enjoy the film,
bringing on Chris Columbus. A little more polite applause. Chris also
speaks for under thirty seconds, giving huge credit to the one and
only...

...J. K. Rowling. She gets the longest round of applause of the three,
but I'm horrified that it's barely eleven seconds or so long. (And
nobody gives her a standing ovation! I would have tried to start one,
had I been close enough to the front for anyone to see me try.) Joanne
has laryngitis, which she claims is brought on by saying "No, book five
isn't coming out yet and I don't know when it will be" five hundred
times a day... to her daughter. Joanne also reflects on how important
Scotland and Edinburgh are to her; "if you read the books carefully it's
clear that Hogwarts is in Scotland. I can't say exactly where because
the Ministry of Magic has a trained squad of hit wizards...." She pays
tribute to the producer and director. (Apparently she says very slightly
different things to each audience, reportedly going as far as to say
"Thank God it wasn't Spielberg directing!" to one of the other
audiences.) At this point, I change back to my original verdict that the
couple who I followed to the cinema *weren't* JKR and partner - the
accent wasn't quite right. But I can't be sure...

She also gives a tip as to one particular thing to look out for in the
movie. I shall spoiler-protect it and place it at the end.

No adverts, no trailers, straight onto the movie. My review is
elsewhere.

Two and a half hours later, the movie ends. I swell with happiness and
the whole audience bursts into applause. Disappointingly, the round of
applause is quite short - I count it at twelve seconds. (Maybe fourteen
top, but no more.) It becomes clear that the audience isn't quite as
rabidly fanatical about the stories as some. It must be brilliant to
watch this with an audience of wildly appreciative fans; it's a shame
that this somehow isn't quite the right crowd.

I stay through the end credits, listening to more John Williams. Only
three others make it to the end - the rest have made a quick getaway. I
leave, stumbling happily and reflecting on a fine experience. Making my
way out through the cinema, looking for names as I go, it becomes clear
that everyone is taking the signs and posters down from around the
shopping centre as a souvenir. Just before leaving the centre, I see a
sensibly-sized one (perhaps three feet wide, two feet tall) with a small
version of the movie poster's image on a railing; I reach into my pocket
for my B&B key in order to help me cut it free from the railing - but
the key is missing.

So I go back up to the cinema and talk to a staff member, who kindly
escorts me back up to where I was sitting. I feel around underneath my
seat and the key turns up, having fallen directly out of my pocket.
Phew!

However, leaving the cinema the second time, it seems that most of the
smaller posters have been taken. We're onto stripping the canvas banners
that were hanging down above the reception hall now. I'm not the only
person to grab a banner and try to cut it free - in fact, I even check
with staff who happily say "Well, everybody else seems to be doing it,
so..." and help me cut one down. I get a 6'-by-4' of Ron and Hermione.
(There are four in the series: another with Harry, another with Hagrid
and the last with Gringotts'  Goblins - a strange choice.)

But there are no more posters left in the building, so I take my rather
impractical canvas roll back with me through Leith. I stop on the way at
the payphone I identified earlier and feed in coins, madly typing an
e-mail away for this group (via the Magical Mods) with my early
thoughts. The keyboard is tiny and the screen is battered, but it's just
about good enough to get some basic opinions out. Back to the B&B - with
a key! - and off to bed.

Next day, I check the papers. Joanne's now-famous quote about "It’s
still not finished but I am writing very hard, so it shouldn’t be too
long." makes every report. The journey back is uneventful; again I turn
to the Leaky Cauldron for news coverage. There are a couple of amusing
stories about how the fans stripped the centre bare (the Edinburgh
Evening News at http://www.edinburghnews.com/news.cfm?id=EN01187188 and
Ananova at
http://www.ananova.com/entertainment/story/sm_444141.html both courtesy
of TLC) - yep, we did!

I love the canvas banner that I've got, even though it's so huge as to
have been a somewhat impractical struggle to get home on the trains and
to be rather too large to fit on any of my walls. (Furthermore, it's so
long that it can't be sent through the regular post service - and
international parcel post would cost tens of pounds.)

So, overall, well, well, well worth doing once.

PLUSES:

1) I got to see the movie very early and post about it. :-)

2) A very nice, very large poster.

3) The satisfaction of having given quite a lot of money to charity.

4) Some extremely happy memories of a faint brush with greatness. OK,
the lady I followed on the way there wasn't JKR, but I certainly did get
within a couple of yards of her on the red carpet.

MINUSES:

1) No autographs. To be fair, it's entirely reasonable why JKR didn't
make herself public at the reception half of the event - she would have
had the signing session from hell (500 signatures at the very least,
plus photos, plus questions for a painful throat) if the masses had
found her.

2) No other minuses!

A once in a lifetime experience indeed. Now here's to seeing the movie
again in a couple of days' time... and here's to doing it all over again
this time next year... :-)

With the wildest of happy grins,
Chris

PS Oh yes - you were wondering about the tiny spoiler, weren't you?

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JKR also said words to the effect of "Look out for the sign on the top
of the door of the Leaky Cauldron - I missed it the first time I saw the
movie, but it's worth looking for." Even with this warning, I missed it
first time too. (Maybe it's inside the pub? Maybe you see it at the back
of the pub, in the yard leading to Diagon Alley? Maybe you see it in
Diagon Alley?) Certainly the only thing I saw was just a couple of
innocuous-looking house numbers. But second time round, I'll be looking
hard for it!

-- 
  Chris M. Dickson, Middlesbrough, Great Britain; chris at dickson.demon.co.uk
  Sport Editor, Flagship PBM mag: http://www.antsnest.demon.co.uk/flagship/
  Labyrinth Games: puzzle and game consultancy http://www.qwertyuiop.co.uk/
   MSO Worldwide -*- Bringing Brains Together -*- http://www.msoworld.com/