CoS: things that make me cringe (Part 2)

[GulPlum]

Onwards and upwards (or should that be dowwnwards?)! I noticed that 
in Part 1, I didn't offer explanations until later down the list, so 
I'll be a bit more vocal from the off. 

Where were we? Ah, Dumbledore's office after Justin's petrification.

What was the dramatic purpose of Hagrid bursting into the office? It 
made no sense whatsoever, besides having someone other than Harry or 
Dumbledore suggest that Harry is/is not responsible for the attacks. 
In the book, Hagrid's intrusion isn't quite so jarring, but in the 
movie, it just sticks out like a sore thumb. Where did he come from, 
what was he doing there (and how comes he knows the password)? 
Especially as Hagrid's carrying what suspiciously looks like a dead 
rooster, the importance of which isn't even touched on in the script. 
This is another of those things (like "Hello, I'm Colin Creevey, I'm 
in Gryffindor too") which are done exclusively for those who've read 
the books.

Next up, Christmas scenes. I not only cringe but groan out loud when 
we see those horses in the snow. That jaunty music from the first 
movie made no sense at all at that point - if included at all, those 
shots should have been accompanied by dark music. The pupils were 
*escaping*, for goodness' sake!

I feel worse and worse every time I see the Christmas Day scene in 
the Great Hall (at least I assume it's Christmas Day - there are 
crackers and small packages next to each plate; in the book it's made 
clear). Why are the kids in uniform? PS/SS established that the kids 
are in mufti during the holidays (OK, I know the answer to that: it's 
so that the Trio can wear outsize Slytherin robes, but it still makes 
me cringe). Also, Hermione's line: "Millicent Bulstrode, Slytherin": 
why "Slytherin"? The whole POINT of what they're trying to do is to 
turn into Slytherins!

My next cringe is another plot one, which again I had hoped that the 
movie would make some kind of effort to address: "Crabbe & Goyle" 
behave "oddly" during ther conversation with Malfoy. Shortly 
afterwards, the real C&G are let out of their confinement and 
presumably make a bee-line for the Slytherin common room. Being as 
thick as they are, and Malfoy being as *un*-thick as he is, it should 
soon be apparent to him that they know nothing about the conversation 
they just had. Why doesn't Malfoy smell a rat? (then again, perhaps 
he did and this will all come up in a future plot line, but at 
present, I find it deeply unsatisfying).

I had hoped not to raise any *differences* from the book in my list 
of cringes, but the Slytherin common room scene makes several points 
which are completely lost in the movie, and I cringe at the fact that 
Kloves made no attempt to address at least some of them. Whilst I see 
no real need for the newspaper clipping to come up, making a direct 
connection between the attacks and the Muggle Protection Act is an 
*important* sub-plot (which I'm sure will come up to bite us on the 
nose again in future books). Another connection is that Draco's views 
are just an aping of his father's - it adds something to his 
otherwise two-dimensional character. 

And the thing which annoys me the most is that Kloves missed a golden 
opportunity. Every non-book-reader I've spoken to who's seen the 
movie thinks that Colin Creevey is nothing more than a mini-
papparazzo; there is no element in the film which explains that he is 
obssessed with *HARRY*. Yet this scene in the book offers a perfect 
line to cover that, which would fit into the changed script and add 
no more than 10 seconds to the movie's running time: after the "Saint 
Potter" remark, Malfoy could have followed it with "and he's always 
being followed by that mudblood slime Creevey, always taking his 
picture. [does impression of Colin] I'm glad he's out of the way". It 
would have been funny (if Felton could carry off the impersonation), 
and in a single sentence explained Colin's Muggle-born status and his 
relationship to Harry. I sometimes wonder if Kloves actually 
*understands* what these books and characters are about.

As it happens, when Harry & Ron return to Hermione and exclaim that 
they have "lots" to tell her, that's actually not true. All they know 
is that Malfoy is NOT the Heir. They already knew that the Chamber 
was opened once before, because Dumbledore said as much when Harry 
was in hospital, although they do now also know that a girl was 
killed. This hardly qualifies as "lots".

Flashback sequence: the stretcher with Myrtle's body. It's just *so* 
stagey and fake. Harry's "Whoah!" when he comes back is just ... YUK!

The destruction of the boys' dormitory is just *so* over the top it's 
ludicrous. Harry didn't have any need to hide the diary particularly 
well, so it was probably just with his other books. The level of 
destruction is unnecessary and implausible.

Hagrid's hut & arrest. "That's dad's boss [etc]" is another one of 
JKR's cornier introductions which Kloves has lifted directly. Apart 
from the fact that the boys are trying to remain unnoticed (and thus 
would prefer to remain silent), I would have preferred Fudge to have 
been very, very formal (he is, after all, the type), and read out 
some kind of proclamation instead of attempting to be pally (which 
doesn't work anyway), which includes his name and status. 
Alternatively, *after* everyone had left, Ron asks Harry "do you know 
who that was?" etc...

MAJOR cringe-worthy sequence next, the spiders. I've already been 
viciferous in my condemnation of Ron's gurning which I actually find 
painful to watch. Harry's apparent indiffernce towards his friend's 
obvious apprehension is completely out of character and makes me want 
to scream at the cinema screen. His own attitude (steely resolve, I 
could manage, but Clint Eastwood heroics, no way!) also makes me 
shudder.

(Incidentally, another book-to-screen transfer cringe. Why on earth 
didn't Ron retain his line much earlier in the movie about *why* he 
hates spiders? "George turned my teddy into one when I was three" and 
a shudder wouldn't have needed to add a nanosecond to the movie's 
running time, as there was a huge pause at the end of his sentence 
for another shot of the spiders.)

I've never been arachnophobic, so perhaps I'm the wrong person to 
judge, but I found Aragog laughable rather than scary. 

The car turning up to save the boys was a bad enough deus ex machina 
moment in the book, but it had *some* semblance of sence (at least 
they encountered it on the way into the forest) but in the movie, it 
appears literally out of nowhere. *CRINGE*.

Ron hitting Lockhart with the rock (this has been discussed before - 
no further comment needed).

The way Harry touches Ginny's hand, with one finger. It just seems so 
*unnatural*.

Radcliffe's lines in his conversation during Riddle's 
exposition. "Wooden" hardly begins to describe it. Although there's a 
glimmer of what he *could* be capable of in his dlivery of "I bet 
Dumbledore saw right through you".

I've mentioned before that I dislike the Anagram sequence. I don't 
really cringe when it happens, because I'm frankly too bored to care 
by that stage. The whole sequence is just *so* undynamic despite 
Coulson's IMO excellent delivery.

"[The Basilisk] can still hear you". I shared a house for two years 
with a friend who keeps snakes and I learned enough about them myself 
to *HATE* this line. Snakes only have residual ears! OK, I appreciate 
that this makes a huge plot hole in that if snakes can't hear, they 
shouldn't have a spoken language, but I'd prefer not to have had the 
inconsistency thrust down my throat. Even so, Parseltongue isn't 
necessarily completely impossible, as long it's very "vibrational", 
as feeling and tasting vibrations is snakes' main sense.

The whole North By Northwest "homage". It makes me cringe because 
it's *boring*: a decent action director could have made so much more 
of that.

Ginny's awakening and her conversation with Harry is just *so* corny. 
What was wrong with the book version? 

"Of course, pheonix tears have healing powers": one of Kloves' worst 
line transplantations. When Riddle says it in the book, it makes 
sense. Harry saying it makes none whatsoever. Although Radcliffe does 
the best with the line that he can. I have to interject here with one 
positive note, as Radcliffe's next line is possibly my favourite 
Kloves invention, and delivered spot-on: "It's all over. It's just a 
memory".

I won't bother going into detail, but the whole Dumbledore-Harry 
sequence in Dumbledore's office has me sinking further and further 
into the depths of my seat. The scene is flat, the dialogue doesn't 
make sense and the acting is painfully bad. Thankfully, Jason Isaacs 
arrives to inject a little life.

That said, having crawled back up from my seat, the lighting on 
Isaacs' face is *such* a cliché that I want to sink right back down 
again and just listen to him.

*THAT* line: "Let's hope Mr Potter will always be around",  etc. 
Again, no comment, as we've discussed it to death already.

Harry showing his ankle: WHY?!?

We've dissected the last sequence in the Great Hall before, so I 
won't go into detail, but one directorial choice is the uber-cringe 
of all Columbus-caused cringes in this movie and deserves special 
mention. No, I'm not talking about the hug/handshake. I'm not even 
talking about the utterly fake applause for Hagrid or everyone 
rushing towards him. I'm talking about immediately before Hermione's 
entrance, when Neville draws Harry & Ron's attention to the doors. 
The shot changes to the passage between the tables, Ron sticks his 
head out and grins and a moment later, Harry sticks his head out a 
little further and gives a big grin of his own. That is SUCH a cheesy 
shot and should not be allowed. I am prepared to change my lifetime's 
stand against capital punishment and lobby for the introduction of a 
special law demanding Columbus to be put up against a wall and shot 
for that single moment. It makes me SICK.

And on that cheery note, I shall end my list of rants against this 
movie. Having exorcised me demons, I might just enjoy the movie more 
when I next see it. :-) 

I might just counter-balance this series of posts with a list of the 
things which make me smile or roar with laughter, or just make me 
feel warm inside (thankfully, the list is probably about the same 
length as this list of bad thoughts, although I have yet to compile 
it). :-)