PC Little Red Riding Hood

[pengolodh_sc at yahoo.no]

New take on an old classic - got it over another message-list.

> A little for a pleasant Spring Tuesday.
> 
> PC Red Ridinghood
> 
> There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who
> lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and 
> rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only 
> someone took the time to study them.  Red Riding Hood lived with a 
> nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although 
> she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought 
> less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact 
> exist.  Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of 
> nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the 
> impression conveyed.
> 
> One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown
> fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.  "But mother,
> won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have
> struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
> various people in the woods?"
> 
> Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union
> boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
> "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
> 
> Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for
> women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed
> until all women were free.  "But mother, then shouldn't you have my
> brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn
> what it's like to be oppressed?"
> 
> And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was
> attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this
> wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that
> would help engender a feeling of community.  "But won't I be
> oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to
> independently further her own selfhood?"
> 
> But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
> actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
> although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
> inferior to what some people called "health".  Thus Red Riding Hood
> felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to
> her grandmother, and so she set off.
> 
> Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
> place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear
> based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that
> regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence
> believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable
> competitors.  Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves
> and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless
> society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the
> woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
> 
> On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a
> woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some
> flowers.  She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf,
> who asked her what was in her basket.  Red Riding Hood's teacher
> had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in
> taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue
> with the Wolf.  She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some
> healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
> 
> The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl
> to walk through these woods alone."
> 
> Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
> extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as
> an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to
> develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview.  Now, if
> you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
> 
> Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards
> her Grandmother's house.  But because his status outside society
> had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style
> thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.  He
> burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action
> affirmative of his nature as a predator.  Then, unhampered by
> rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's
> nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited
> developments.
> 
> Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have 
> brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of 
> wise and nurturing matriarch."
> 
> The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
> 
> Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
> 
> "You forget that I am optically challenged."
> 
> "And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
> 
> "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but 
> I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
> 
> "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
> 
> The Wolf could not take any more of these specious slurs, and, in a 
> reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of 
> bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide 
> that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his 
> belly.  "Aren't you forgetting something?"  Red Riding Hood bravely 
> shouted.  "You must request my permission before proceeding to a 
> new level of intimacy!"
> 
> The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his 
> grasp on her.  At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the 
> cottage, brandishing an ax.  "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
> 
> "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
> 
> "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of 
> confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self 
> esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
> 
> "Last chance, sister!  Get your hands off that endangered species!  
> This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little 
> Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her 
> head.
> 
> "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf.  "The brat 
> and her grandmother lured me in here.  I thought I was a goner."
> 
> "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.  
> "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those 
> protected flowers earlier.  And now I'm going to have such a 
> trauma.  Do you have any aspirin?"
> 
> "Sure," said the Wolf.  "Thanks."  "I feel your pain," said the 
> Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, 
> gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?

Best regards
Christian Stubø