- Calling Names

[Ebony AKA AngieJ]

--- In HPFGU-OTChatter at y..., meboriqua at a... wrote:
> 
> Where I teach now, even though I love it, nearly everyone (and I'm 
> referring to adults here) uses last names when talking to each 
other.  When I speak to my assistant principal, I call her Ms. 
Lastname.  It makes for an atmosphere that has more noticeable 
tension.  
>

That's so interesting, Jenny!  See, I was a 1991 graduate of the 
school I left this June, and several of my former teachers were my 
colleagues.  They invited me to call them by their first name.  I 
just *couldn't*.  So the staff members who were there when I was in 
elementary and middle school were "Mr. and Ms.", and the ones who'd 
come in the past decade I called by their first name.

At my new school, I've noticed that all the teachers casually refer 
to each other by first name but the APs and principal seem to be Mr. 
and Ms. to everyone.  And I don't think that it would occur to the 
kids to call us anything but Mr. or Ms. in the classroom unless they 
were ticked off with us and being nasty anyway... none of my students 
in three years of teaching have ever called me Ebony in my hearing, 
even in jest.  I have taught EBD kids.  I have taught a handful of 
kids who were in gangs.  I have taught kids who couldn't stand the 
sight of me and drew funny pictures... but the funny picture was 
labeled "Miss Thomas".  Never Ebony.  It simply isn't done here in 
Detroit.  

I just think the black community is far more conservative in that 
regard for historic reasons.  My parents and grandparents taught me 
that we were so disrespected as a race in many sections of this 
country that within our communities, modes of address became a Very 
Important Thing.  Perhaps the little girl whose mother my grandmother 
cleaned for could call her by her first name, and the man of the 
house could call her "girl", but at night when she came home to her 
family, when she walked around her neighborhood, and when she went to 
church, she could hold her head up high.

I also think it's a Southern thing in general, as Neil pointed out.  
My father was from Mississippi, and when I reflect upon my upbringing 
I can tell.  My ex-boyfriend was from South Carolina, and reflecting 
upon the way he spoke to me and others, you could tell that too.  
There is still a noticeable difference in address throughout much of 
the South.  Personally, I like it... I think I'm sort of personable 
<g> and not too stiff and formal, but I do think that it gives the 
South a sort of residual grace and charm that is missing from here 
and Chicago and all points North and West.

I was not allowed to address any adult by their first name until I 
was an adult myself, even relatives.  My parents were so obsessive 
about this that I had to give my teenaged aunts and uncles and 
cousins (who babysat my sisters and I) their title when addressing 
them.  We couldn't even call our adult cousins by first name... you 
had to preface it by "cousin".

Family friends were Mr. and Ms. First Name, or if they were really 
close to my parents, Auntie and Uncle.  Anyone with the "auntie" 
or "uncle" designation was a de facto godparent... I have a 
gadzillion godrelatives because of this, and at times growing up felt 
as if I was related to half the West Side.

Everyone was "ma'am" and "sir" growing up, too.  When some of my 
white teachers were obviously horrified by this, I was confused... 
why would they be offended at what my parents had taught me was 
respect?  (As an adult I understand... it must have be a Very 
Disconcerning Thing for a liberal white teacher to have this little 
black kid "ma'am"-ing or "sir"-ing them.  Too many uncomfortable 
echoes.)

It's just now that I realize I haven't consistently "ma'amed" my 
mother in the well over three years since Dad died.  Although when 
she uses a certain tone of voice I know I'd better tack a "ma'am" on 
the end to my yes or no.  Would never, ever, EVER call her by her 
first name though.  I know people who do, but my sisters and I have 
this irrational idea that lightning would strike from heaven if we 
did it.  And personally, for me that is just *right*.  She is not 
Susan to me and never has been.  She is Mama, Mom, or Mommy.  The 
people who know her as Susan will never have the relationship I have 
with her... they can't call her what my sisters and I do.

I've realized differences in my higher education too in this regard. 
For undergrad I went to a historically and predominantly black 
college (think of the Cosby spinoff "A Different World") in Florida.  
All of my professors were "Doctor So-and-So" if they had their Ph.D. 
and "Professor So-and-So" if they were an instructor.  And we almost 
always "ma'amed" and "sir"-ed them... a good 70% of the kids there 
were from the South anyway, and those of us who were not followed 
suit.

Now I attend a mainstream uni for grad, and it's extremely weird, 
because my professors want to be on this first name basis.  I find it 
confusing, and I have been trying to do for over a year, but it is 
hard.  I had a difficult time in Oxford too when tutors there wanted 
first names... I can grit my teeth and do it, but even as I'm saying 
it I just feel as if I am being totally flippant and disrespectful... 
and I can just hear Dad saying in the back of my mind "Ebony, your 
mother and I taught you better than that."

I do not yet know whether or not I'll teach my children to 
say "ma'am" or "sir".  I know that the practice has not died... I'd 
say a good 1/3 or more of the students at my previous school 
used "ma'am" with me... and when I disciplined and during conferences 
where the parent was present, I'd say more than half did.  Yes, in 
the North, in 2001.  Wow.  This thread had really made me think.

One thing I do know.  My children will know about nuances of respect, 
even if I don't teach them via title.  I think that the issue of 
addressing others is much like casual Fridays... yes, we needed to 
relax, but IMO the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction.

Long post... apologies.

--Ebony AKA AngieJ