That Great Dr Laura joke

[John Walton]

Seeing as I *really* couldn't find any way that this should go on the main
list, I decided to send it here for your amusement. Usual
don't-take-it-too-seriously caveats apply, Mr Emptor, so don't go there :)

Oh, and this can be found at About.com under the Gay/Lesbian area's "Burn Ms
Laura" (no, the campaign's not called that, but it sounds good, huh?)
section. 

(FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO JUST WENT "WHO'S DR LAURA?": She's a rightwing "family
values" D-List celebrity who has her own TV show [which, thank the deity of
your choice, looks like it's being pulled due to lack of advertisers wanting
to be associated with her hate drivel] and used to (still does?) have a
radio show in LA. It's the usual American Moralist Christian stuff -- gay
people are evil, so are non-Christians, (especially Wiccans), premarital sex
sends you to hell ::John realises he's counting these things off on his
fingers so decides to close this:: There's no real UK equivalent I can point
you to. The woman is just I-N-S-A-N-E.)

Dear Dr. Laura, 

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have
learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to
be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however,
regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing
odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the
odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I
have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can
you clarify? 

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself,
or is calling the police sufficient?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination
(Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this?

Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does
my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.