Titles

[Amy Z]

Koinonia wrote on the main list:

>I am married and expect to be called Mrs. Paul, not Ms.  I would 
also >prefer to be called Miss Paul if someone is in doubt. 

Oh well, I guess there's no way to play it safe, then.  I would never 
call someone Miss unless I knew she wasn't married; it would seem 
presumptuous to me.  It's ma'am if I don't know her name, Ms. Paul if 
I don't know her marital status, and whatever she prefers if she has 
told me what she prefers.  In my understanding, "Miss" means "single 
woman" and "Mrs." means "married woman," which means one must assume 
(not polite) or ask a woman's marital status (also not polite) in 
order to grant her a title.  "Ms." was a great innovation because it 
granted women what men already enjoyed:  the right to be addressed 
without their marital status being part of their title.

It's nothing against marriage, which I regard very highly, or my dear 
spouse, whom I love and respect more than anyone in the world.  One 
of the most important things anyone can know about me is that I'm 
married, (or, to be precise, the nature of my marriage; the =fact= of 
my marriage doesn't tell you much about me in and of itself).  But I 
still prefer the world to encounter me as Amy Z and not as Married 
Woman Amy Z.  (William Safire also decrees that Mrs. is nonsensical 
unless the last name is the same as the husband's, the idea being 
that "Mrs" actually means "Missus of."  I'll let you guess whether I 
changed my name when I married.)

Perhaps if there weren't a double standard it would be a different 
matter.  My enthusiasm for "Mr." and "Ms." stems from my frustration 
with the many ways our culture sends the signal that marriage changes 
women but leaves men unchanged.  Most women change their names upon 
marriage, most men don't.  Some women even stop using their first 
names in formal settings (Mrs. John Smith, Mr. and Mrs. John Smith).  
More women than men wear wedding rings, and almost no men wear 
engagement rings.  Men's infidelities have historically, and legally, 
been treated more lightly than women's.  In the context of all of 
these double standards, affixing the title "Married Woman" to a 
married woman while leaving a married man's title exactly the same as 
it was when he was single bothers me (unless, of course, it's what 
she asks to be called).  How about having titles for men 
meaning "single man" and "married man"?  If my husband had a title 
like that, =then= I'd use "Mrs."  

Amy Z
generally untitled, until the happy day the Queen makes me a 
Dame . . . oh, wait, Americans can't use "Sir" and "Dame," can they?  
Shoot.