Other people's opinions and individualism rant

[Tabouli]

Ah, all this talk of Hermione's age.  I'm quite happy to say that I want her to be a 1980 child, whatever the evidence says and the probabilities are.  Not sure why.  I just prefer the idea of her being young rather than old for her year.  I was (the cut-off date for starting school in Victoria, Australia in 1977 was the 30th of June, and my birthday is on the 10th, hence I was always youngish and finished high school at 17 and a half), and since I identify with Hermione that could be it.

Pippin:
>>Everyone's entitled to their opinion, 
including their opinion of you. No matter what you accomplish in 
life, some people are going to try to make you feel like a jerk. 
That's their problem. They aren't entitled to  try to make you feel 
bad about it. That's just rude. So don't argue, just smile 
politely...and realize that there's nothing like being polite to a 
rude person to make you feel superior.
Which leads to mantra part two:
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.<<

Hmm.  Well yes, all very good in theory (thanks Pippin!), but sigh.  Actually, this whole subject was central to my self-revelation last year that I am actually culturally Australian Born Chinese (even if I sound Australian and look Mediterranean).

This whole independent, self-affirming "what matters is what *you* think of you" philosophy is absolutely classic individualism.  I discuss it in workshops on cross-cultural issues all the time to raise self-awareness in Australians.  The theory is that it's related to the Protestant religion, where it is up to every individual to communicate directly with God, and uphold God's rules and take responsibility for his/her own actions.  Hence countries whose cultural values and system of government were founded on Protestantism (e.g. England, the US, Canada, Australia) focus on personal responsibility, individual rights, self-esteem, etc.etc.

In Chinese societies (emphatically including the Australian Chinese immigrant community) things are traditionally very different.  Your first responsibility is not to yourself, but to your family, and your family's honour ("face") and social status.  The theory here is that in somewhere as densely populated as China, it was every family for itself, and you can't trust anyone outside the family, because everyone is out to compete and win the advantage and show you up.  Hence what gets called "nepotism".  The impression you give to other people is the most important thing in the world.  Hence as soon as you can afford it, you buy visible markers of your status, like big new houses and cars and designer clothing.  Although the norms are shifting more towards individualism these days, these family based attitudes still run deep, and children who embarrass or disregard their family are considered treacherous in much of the community.

So where does this leave me, growing up in an individualist society with a Chinese mother and (during adolescence) mostly Chinese friends?  The conclusion I came to after much anguish was that much as I prided myself on being bicultural, I'm socially more Australian born Chinese (ABC) than anything else (intellectually I'm Western academic, and emotionally/creatively I identify most with the International Culture of Artists!).  The problem has been that I've been judging my behaviour severely according to individualist standards: I was weak and shallow because I worried what people thought of me, I was lacking in independence and maturity because I fretted about what my parents thought about what I did, I wasn't assertive because I'd always accommodate other people rather than stand up for my rights, and so on.

It wasn't until last year (after writing a thesis on cross-cultural psychology and working in cross-cultural training for several years!)  that I suddenly realised that by traditional Chinese standards this was all absolutely normal, typical and indeed laudable behaviour (see also Kaiyu in a recent post).  The impression you give other people is a measure of your worth, and reflects on your entire family, so it is very important to worry about it.  You are in debt all your life to your parents and should respect and defer to their opinions in every choice you make.  You should always save face and maintain social harmony rather than push your own, jarring agenda on a group, which will make people think you are rude and unpleasant. How did I manage to miss this?  None so blind as those who will not see...

So where does this leave me?  Well.  My current position (still under review) is that while I may be socially ABC, my choices and personality do not sit at all well with the prevailing values of ABC society, and will become less so the longer I spend as an unmarried at 29, self-employed consultant/writer who lives in a cheap flat and drives a second hand Corolla.  By my mother's standards I am already a failure and embarrassment.  The thing about ABC values is that they work absolutely fine if you fit in and succeed.  People can be and are very happy working in those values.  However, if you don't fit in and succeed on their terms, or are off the beaten track in some other way, you're much better off with individualism, which accommodates non-conformists (at least to a greater degree).

I'm now trying to stop judging my Asian instincts negatively while simultaneously trying to replace some of them with individualist values (e.g. it's what I think of me that counts) which will better suit my life choices.  Perhaps a few mantras might help...

Tabouli.


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