Humor the best medicine

[Wanda Mallett]

Since another wonderful HP4GU sent that wonderful
joke, it helped! This Texas Chili Cook Off is an old
one but one of the best! For all of those living in
Texas, we salute you for your Chili!
Hope this makes everybody have a happier day!

Wanda the Witch of Rever, Massachusetts and Her Almost
Back To Full Merry Muggles 

Texas Chili Cook Off:

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster 
named FRANK, who was 
visiting Texas from New Jersey ... 

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th 
attendee at the State 
Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge 
at a chili 
cook-off. 

Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the

last moment, and 
I happened to be standing there when the call came in.

I was assured by 
the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be 
a fun event and a 
true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that 
the chili wouldn't 
be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could 
have free beer during 
the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards 
from the event." 

*****Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili 
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.


JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You 
could remove dried 
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to

put the flames 
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are 
crazy. 

*****Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili 
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno

tang. 
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to 
be taken 
seriously. 

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not 
sure what I am 
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two 
people who 
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to 
walkie-talkie 
in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face. 

*****Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili


JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. 
Needs more beans. 
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of 
red peppers. 
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My 
nose feels like 
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine 
by now. Barmaid 
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the 
front part of my 
chest. I'm getting shit-faced. 

*****Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic 
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. 
Disappointing. 
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side 
dish for fish or 
other mild foods, not much of a chili. 

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but

was unable to 
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me 
with fresh 
refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, 
just like this 
nuclear-waste 
I'm eating. 

*****Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover 
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers 
freshly ground, adding 
considerable kick. Very impressive. 

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more 
tomato. Must 
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. 

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus 
my eyes. I 
farted and four people behind me burst into flames. 
The contestant 
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had 
given me brain 
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly 
on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the

other judges 
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! 

*****Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety 
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. 
Good balance of 
spice and peppers. 

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, 
onions, and garlic. 
Superb. 

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled 
with gaseous, 
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind

me except that 
slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! 

******Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili 
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on 
canned peppers. 
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally 
threw in a can of 
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I

am worried about 
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress 
as he is cursing 
uncontrollably. 

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the 
pin, and I 
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one

eye, and the 
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My 
shirt is covered with 
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants 
are full of lava-like shit to 
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy 
they'll know what killed me. 
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. 
Screw it, I'm not 
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just 
suck it in through the 4 
inch hole in my stomach. 

*****Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili 
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend 
chili, safe for 
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its 
existence. 

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,

neither mild nor 
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 
Number 3 passed 
out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. 
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. 
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was 
unable to report) 

------------------------------------ 



__________________________________________________
Terrorist Attacks on U.S. - How can you help?
Donate cash, emergency relief information
http://dailynews.yahoo.com/fc/US/Emergency_Information/