Those nutty mods

[dfrankiswork at netscape.net]

--- In HPFGU-OTChatter at y..., "voicelady" <voicelady at m...> wrote:
> John wrote:  "...[snip of mods & elves e-mail addy and then:] 
> ... or magicalmods at y... (Mods only)..."
> 
> Okay, does my mind work in very strange ways, or did anyone else wonder for a split second why the mods chose as their e-mail address "magic almonds"?
> 
> Told you it was going to be off-topic...
> 
> Jeralyn, the Voicelady

Yes, I did exactly that too, the first time I saw that address, and chaffed the mods about it offlist too.  They're only just coming out of their shell after I cracked that one!  It must have gone against the grain!

* Crosses legs comfortably by the fireside * This reminds me of a story I heard once, from my grandmother, who heard it from the lady herself.  My grandmother's friend, a widow, had a son, who though bright, was something of a dreamer.  Being widowed, they were poor, and the time came when they had to sell their last almond tree, as one did in those days, so she sent the lad off to market with it.

On his way to the market, what should happen but that he should meet a beldame with a blackberry in her hair, who stopped him and asked him, 'How many almonds make seven?'  Being quick-witted, as I said, the lad answered in a flash 'If they make seven, they must be magic almonds', which you, being well brought-up children, all know is the right answer.

The beldame cackled with glee and said 'Good lad, good lad.  Now, if you want adventures and great riches, you must listen to me.  Give me your almond tree, and I will give you a magic almond, which you must plant at full moon when the werewolves are howling.  When you have done this you must restore the North which is lost, before you can live in happiness to the end of your days.'  Being a dreamer, as I said, our hero straight away gave her the tree in exchange for the magic almond.

When he got home his mother berated him, saying, how shall we now live, seeing you have given away our last wealth for nothing?  But three days later, young Newby (for such was his name), hearing the werewolves howl at dead of night, arose and planted the magic almond by the light of the full moon.  The following morning, when he arose, he saw a mighty almond tree stretching away into the heavens.

Being quick witted, and a dreamer (did I tell you that?), Newby straight away began to climb the tree, and in less time than it takes to say 'humongous', he had climbed right up into a fair land
in which the elves roamed and poltergeists played.  Remembering the words of the beldame, he set his face to the North, and began walking.  In no time at all, he came to a tent pitched, with many Woods round about, and a banner on which was inscribed 'The Philosopher's Rock #47'.

A young man, of countenance passing fair, came out of the tent, and said 'If you would pass this way, first you must Snip'.  And he handed Newby the Silver Scissors of Irrelevance, and pointed him at the Woods.  And when Newby had snipped to his heart's content, the young man said 'Go on, with my blessing, and keep the Scissors, for they will bring you great reputation'.

Newby continued on his way, and after being woefully cudgelled by a Curmudgeon, soon came to a second tent, under the banner 'The Chamber of Secret Zurnames', where many Lupins were planted.  And a goodwife came out, and said 'If you would pass this way, you must also Combine', and handed him the Golden Glue of Continence, and pointed him at the Lupins.  And when Newby had glued all he could, the goodwife quoth 'Go on with my blessing, and keep the Glue, for it will bring you much brevity'.

And Newby continued to the North, avoiding the poltergeists, who pelted him with jokes about Texas.  And he came to a third tent, under a banner which proclaimed 'The Prison Ward', where the frost and moss covered the ground as a hairnet.  And a Ford Anglia came out (you must remember, this was my grandmother's day), and said 'If you would pass this way, you must make your subject fit your topic', and he gave him the Ivory Tippex of Concord, and pointed him at the frost and moss.  And when Newby had Tippexed all that would be Tippexed, the car said 'Go on with my blessing, and keep the Tippex, for it will give others relief'.

And Newby set himself Northward, avoiding the attentions of a goat that brayed with laughter, and presently found himself by a fourth tent, where glittered a banner inscribed 'The Barbecue Aflame', and a beautiful princess did prevent him, saying 'If you would pass this way, you must neither chatter nor chat, unless it be on Chatter, or Chat', and she gave him the Megaphone of Inconsequence.  And when Newby had shouted himself hoarse, she said 'Go on with my blessing, and keep the Megaphone, for it will amuse us all'.

And yet again Newby took up his journey, and, passing those who sing strange songs to familiar tunes, was soon in sight of the fifth tent, whose banner proclaimed 'The Order of the Sphynx', and all about were spun gossamer webs of dreams that had been cut to pieces.  And sallied forth a Lady sterner than any before, and said 'If you would pass this way, you must learn to Spell', and she handed him the Wiggly Red Wand of Orthography, and pointed him at the woven dreams.  And when he had waved the wand, and spelled many long and polysyllabic spellings, she said 'Go on with my blessing, and keep the Wand, for it will speed the passage of many'.

And so Newby - but I can tell you are impatient to know the end of this tale, and will only say that at the sixth tent a Maiden enjoined that he should use the special marks of SHIP and FF, and gave him the Rubber Stamp of Warning, with the blessing that it would prevent boredom.  The banner I will not tell you, for you can make it up yourselves - indeed, I see that many of you already have, as you Schnoogle in your Alleys.  And he went his way, passing a lake on which were ships engaged in ceaseless strife.

So, coming at last to the seventh tent, with a banner clearer and yet more obscure than any before, planted about with Ebony, and with a Pole standing by.  Newby heard a sound as of a child crying, and saw a Mother emerge from the tent, carrying a basket of magic almonds like unto the one the beldame had given him at first.  And she said 'If you would enjoy the land, and dwell in prosperity, flame not your brother, and speak not of the forbidden things', and she gave him the Fizzy Fire Extinguisher of Peace.  And she gave him the magic almonds too, and said 'Now restore the North that is lost'.  And Newby took the N that was in the magic almonds, and took it to the Pole.  And to his amazement he saw it was not a Pole but a Post, and quick-witted dreamer that he was, he took it, and posted it.

And he turned and gazed at the magicalmods, and said <delurks>.

My grandmother always insisted that there is a profound and compelling moral to this tale, but I have long ago forgotten it.  Make of it what you will, for it is meaningless to me.

David
-- 




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