SHIP: E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S.

[ssk7882]

A bit of Silly!Ship goofiness brought over here from the main list, 
because even *I* couldn't manage to justify claiming this sort of 
thing as truly canon-based anymore.  This is really Spec Parody.  
It's unlikely to make very much sense if you haven't been following 
the exchange up to this point.  So, um.  You have been warned.


-------------------


Tabouli, running about frantically while tossing various hats, 
brooches, and strange wraps into the air in her search for the 
appropriate TAGS costume, tossed off, seemingly without even a 
moment's pause for thought:

> C.U.P.I.D.'S.Q.U.A.F.F.L.E. (Cruelly Undermining Proud, Infatuated 
> Damsel,Sirius Quickened Underage, Awkward Feminist Florence's Lapse 
> into Evil)

Elkins' jaw drops.  She stares.  And then, suddenly slipping back 
into those bad old SYCOPHANTS habits, she moans helplessly and throws 
herself forward to prostrate herself at Tabouli's feet, grovelling 
mindlessly while gasping out incoherent phrases of awe-struck praise 
and worshipful devotion.

In a somewhat suspiciously friendly tone, Tabouli continues:

> Maybe ships, like cities, could have twinning deals. We could 
> exchange students! Have the captains shake hands in front of the 
> municipal fountain for the cameras! Unveil plaques for each other! 
> We must talk about this, Captain Elkins. 

Alas!  All too late, Elkins remembers what her mother always used to 
tell her about negotiating.  "When dealing with potentially piratical 
colleagues," Mother always used to say, "you must always open 
negotiations by giving the impression that you are dealing from a 
position of *strength.*"

Now, Elkins was never altogether sure what Mum used to mean by that 
word, 'strength,' but she is almost certain that prostration, 
grovelling, and other such grand gestures of self-abasement do not 
qualify.

Well, *darn,* she thinks, picking herself up off the ground with a 
slight wince, the wrenched hip serving as a forceful reminder that 
prostration really is a younger woman's game.  If only I'd 
*remembered* that.  

She smiles weakly at Captain Tabouli, brushes a few twigs off of one 
shoulder, and wonders if there is any point in hoping that her 
momentary lapse into sycophancy might have gone miraculously 
unnoticed.

> Here (says Captain Tabouli, discreetly hiding the parrot under her 
> captain's hat and removing the knife from between her teeth), let 
> me extend a plank... er, platform for discussion...

Elkins is beginning to get the idea that Captain Tabouli did indeed 
notice.  She tries to ignore the sound of Tabouli's crew scraping 
something heavy and wooden across the deck somewhere behind her and 
instead glances back to shore.  Cindy's little booth on the dock 
suddenly seems very far away, and the water looks...cold.  She slips 
one hand surreptitiously into her pocket, but comes up with nothing 
but a lint-covered cough drop and thirteen cents in change.

Oh no, she thinks.  Where the devil did I leave that remote control?  
And what on earth could have possessed me to set foot on this ship in 
the first place?  

Elkins can see the gun-metal gleam of the Big Bang Destroyer not too 
far away, but somehow suspects that the SWEETGEORGIANISM badge that 
she *still* (as she only now realizes with a thrill of sick horror) 
has pinned to her chest might make her considerably less than welcome 
there.

> Doom. Doom, doom, doom.

Elkins blinks.  It's not that she's never heard voices before, mind.  
But in the past, they've usually not reflected *quite* so accurately 
her conscious internal thought processes of the moment.

> DOOOOOOM.

Glancing once more over to her left, Elkins is startled to see 
Captain Charis Julia, tooling by in her motorized 
C.U.P.I.D.S.B.L.U.D.G.E.R. inner tube and tugging along behind her an 
*extraordinarily* frilly pink barge labelled 
E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S.  

Deciding not to think overmuch on why such an innocuous-looking 
vessel might be going "DOOOOOM," Elkins makes a quick promise to 
Tabouli to continue negotiations at some future time -- preferably 
someplace more, er, dry -- and bolts for the edge of the deck, 
bowling over the Captain's attractive young cabin boy (who bears, she
notes with profound disapproval, an uncanny resemblance to Marina's 
young George), and vaults herself over the side and down onto the 
frilly pink barge, where Charis Julia has been musing nervously:

> "...there's two birds nibbling from our bird feeder outside! How 
> cute!" Pause. "You know it's no wonder they're hungry. We've had 
> some awful weather indeed over here lately let me tell you! A 
> regular storm last night! Rain pouring, lightning flashing, thunder 
> bawling! I don't mind telling you...

Elkins lands sprawling on board the E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S. barge, 
inadvertently splashing Captain Charis with sea water for the second 
time in as many weeks.  She scrambles to her feet, shrieking 
hysterically:

"For God's *sake*, Captain!  Don't you see where you are?  Run!  Run, 
you fool!  IT'S LOLLIPOPS!  LOLLIPOPS OFF YOUR STARBOARD BOW!  
TABOULI'S ON DECK!  SHE'S GOT ACRONYMS!  SHE'S GOT UNCANNY VERBAL 
POWERS!  SHE'S GOT SPIRIT OF CANON!  SHE'S GOT FOLLOWERS WITH 
*PLANKS*!  RUN!  RUN FOR MY...I MEAN, *OUR* LIVES!  GUN THE ENGINES!  
RAISE THE SAILS!  MAN THE OARS!  IT'S...No.  No, wait.  What am I 
*saying?*  We can't outrun Tabouli.  No one can outrun Tabouli!  
Tabouli has the mystic power of the International Date Line; she'll 
*always* be ahead of us.  All right, then, MAN THE CANONS!  MAN 
THE..."

Elkins stops suddenly, noticing her surroundings for the first time.  
She looks about her, gaping.  This frilly pink barge has been 
decorated with pastel flowers, big red hearts, and smiling chubby 
putti.  Refreshments have been laid out for visitors -- spun candy 
floss, dainty little tea cakes with pink icing, sugared violets.  A 
wide assortment of big-eyed stuffed animals sits on a nearby divan, 
ready and waiting for snuggling.  

A music box somewhere is tinkling out "Send In the Clowns."

Elkins sits, very abruptly, down on the divan

"Oh.  My.  God."

She looks about her again, slowly shakes her head.

"You, uh..."  She swallows and closes her eyes.  "You, uh, don't 
actually have any canon on board this thing at all.  Do you."

Charis points to two dainty canons, one mounted on the barge's prow, 
the other on its stern.  The canon in the rear bears a label 
reading "MUGGLES ARE IMPORTANT!"  The one in front reads: "LILY WAS 
NICE."

Manning the forward canon with a girlish giggle, Charis explains:

> I think she [Lily] ought to have had two girlfriends. IMO, she's 
> the kind of girl that would have two girlfriends. Why?  Well, for 
> starters, she's *nice*. And nice girls aren't loners. Nice girls 
> have girlfriends. They have girlfriends because then they can have 
> midnight feasts on chocolate with those girlfriends in their 
> dormitories gigglingly trying to decide who the cutest boy in class 
> is.

Elkins picks up a large mauve stuffed bunny rabbit and hugs it 
protectively to her chest.

> And so that they can exchange dress robes and hair clips with them. 
> And so that they can sit on the bank of the lake with them lounging 
> in the sun and dreaming all the thrilling things that might just 
> happen if they do everything right in their lives...

Elkins hugs the bunny rabbit even harder.  It squeaks "Mama."  She 
gasps and throws it away from her, shuddering.

> Canon clearly states that Lily is nice and I'm prepared to take 
> Canon at it's word, even if it is voiced through emotional Hagrid.

Charis continues to outline a sweet romantic tale of Marauders and 
their girlfriends, of doomed young love, of angst and woe, and so 
forth, concluding with:

> That's E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S.: Excitable Love God's Irresponsible 
> Negligence over Marauder's Affairs Results in Break—ups and Love—
> starved Educators Sorrowing.

> Right. So there you have it. The reason I was so reluctant to send 
> it is that I have long realized that really my tastes are far too 
> sweet and calm for this e—group. 

Elkins manages a sick sort of smile.

"Sweet?" she repeats.  "Oh, noooooooo.  No, no, no, no, no.  Not at 
all.  I, er...well, as you know, my tastes are usually, er, a 
*little* more, um, violent and, uh, ugly, but that's...that's 
perfectly all right, Captain.  That's just fine.  I..."

She takes a deep breath, then states firmly:

"Look.  I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you here, okay?  You get 
me *out* of here, *away* from this, away from *all* of these vessels, 
away from the whole romance *thing,* back to _dry land_, and I'll see 
if I can whip up some more canon for you?  Okay?  Do we have 
ourselves a deal here?"

"Good.  Now, let's see..."

---------------------

<Elkins rises to her feet, turns the stuffed animals to face the wall 
so that they will stop *staring* at her, and begins to pace back and 
forth, wishing that she had Dicentra's pipe and deer-stalker hat with 
her>

Okay.  So what we've got here is the introduction of not one, but 
*two* non-canonical characters, *two* non-canonical romances, and an 
entire host of rather, um, *floral* speculation thereabout.  Yes?

So.  It seems to me that what E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S. really needs 
to do, if it wants to pass itself off as Fanspec, is to present 
itself as the *key* to resolving a number of issues that canon has 
left disturbingly unresolved.  The principle under which we wish to 
operate here is what we might call the "Cherchez l Femme" Principle: 
namely, that *all* canonical mysteries can *only* be resolved by the 
addition of a romantic interest for one of the male leads.  That 
canon does not mention these romances -- or their major players -- is 
utterly irrelevant.  We *know* that they must exist, because only 
their existence will suffice to resolve canonical issues 
satisfactorily.  They are therefore actually *strongly* suggested by 
canon, and therefore legitimate grounds for speculation.  Quod Erat 
Demonstrandum.  You with me so far?

Good.  So let's first deal with the canonical evidence for the 
existence of Campanula, shall we?  We'll tackle Campanula first, 
because I like Campanula.  In my garden, Campanula hangs out right 
next to the front door, along with with our own list member Dicentra 
Spectabilis Alba's glamorous first cousin, Dicentra Spectabilis 
Rubra, as well as with her poor relation from the wrong side of the 
tracks, Dicentra Eximia -- thus, of course, finally answering my, er, 
*perennial* question: "Where Are All The Bleeding Hearts?"  

But I digress.  So.  Campanula, school-day sweetheart of Remus 
Lupin.  Have we evidence for her existence?

Yes!

<Elkins hauls a small and rather flimsy-looking canon out of one of 
her very deep pockets.  The canon is labelled "THE CASE OF THE 
WEREWOLF ON THE TRAIN."  She nods to herself and mounts it on the 
side of the barge, which immediately begins listing alarmingly to 
port>

Don't worry, Captain.  We'll balance that out with another one later 
one.

<stands back to evaluate the effect of the dull black canon on the 
pink frilly barge>

No.  Er...it doesn't really match, does it?  But that's okay.  We can 
paint big pink and red hearts on it later, if you like.

Okay.  Now we've all been wondering why Lupin was on the Hogwart's 
Express at the beginning of PoA, right?  Was he too ill to apparate 
to Hogsmeade without splinching himself?  Did Dumbledore ask him to 
be there to look after Harry?  Was it his own curiosity, could he 
just not resist the desire to get a sneak preview of James Potter's 
son?

NO!

No.  What we clearly must do here is CHERCHEZ!  We must cherchez 
'till our eyes fall right out of our sockets.  There was a woman 
involved.  There *must* have been!  A woman, and a very tragic 
romance.  After all, what other motivation does anyone ever have for 
doing anything?  Lupin *must* have been on that train to see a Lost 
Love.

No other explanation will suffice.
  
So.  Who is Campanula?

<Elkins turns her canon around to reveal the writing on the other 
side, which reads "THE CASE OF THE TROLLEY WITCH'S SMILE.">

Isn't it obvious?  Campanula *must* be none other than the witch who 
operates the lunch trolley on the Hogwart's Express!

And I can *prove* it!

Now, the trolley witch is always smiling, isn't she?  She's smiling, 
she's cheerful, and she's plump.  (The plump is important, because we 
all *know* what sort of person would have had a crush on sickly 
teenaged Lupin, don't we?  That's right: it must have been a 
*maternal* girl.  A girl who wanted to fatten him up some.  A girl 
with a yen to take dear sweet Remus home and feed him some nice, 
warm, nourishing *soup.*  A girl who might well have grown up to be 
smiling, dimpled candy-trolley woman.)

But what happened to the lunch trolley witch's smile?  In Book One, 
we have:

"Around half past twelve there was a great clattering outside in the 
corridor and a smiling, dimpled woman slid back their door and 
said, 'Anything off the trolley, dears?'"

In the beginning of PoA, we have:

"At one o'clock, the plump witch with the food cart arrived at the 
compartment door. . . 'Don't worry, dear,' said the witch as she 
handed Harry a large stack of Cauldron Cakes.  'If he's hungry when 
he wakes, I'll be up front with the driver.'"

(You will note that, in this scene, the children refer to Lupin only 
as *Professor.*  They never once use his name in the trolley witch's 
hearing.  Keep this in mind, as it is significant.)

But look at what happens to our trolley witch next!  End of PoA:

"...when the witch with the tea cart arrived..."

Beginning of GoF:

"The lunch trolley came rattling along the corridor, and Harry 
bought a large stack of Cauldron Cakes for them to share."  

End of GoF:

"They broke off their conversation about what action Dumbledore might 
be taking, even now, to stop Voldemort only when the lunch trolley 
arrived."

Why, that trolley woman just never smiles or twinkles or maternally 
'dears' Harry *again,* does she?  She becomes...silent.  Sad.  
Brooding.

Clearly something *happened.*  Something between her appearance at 
the beginning of PoA and at the book's ending.  What became of the 
Trolley Witch's smile?

Well, isn't it obvious?  She encountered Lupin again, after the 
dementors boarded the train.  Lupin would have needed to talk to her, 
because he would have needed to get more chocolate for all of the 
children.  And I propose that when he did so, *that* was when our 
Campanula first recognized him not only as the same Remus Lupin she 
had loved and lost Lo So Many Years Ago, but also as the haggard, 
exhausted, prematurely-grey Professor she had seen in the compartment 
only an hour or so previous.  

Why, she hadn't even *recognized* him, so changed had he become from 
the boy she had once giggled over in the Gryffindor dormitory.  And 
he...well!  His smile had become...slightly  twisted, his speech 
patterns cool and lazy.  He had clearly aged badly, and in more ways 
than one.  Why, he'd gone all...all *Edgy!*  Horrors!

Oh, poor Campanula.  She knew that it must have been All Her Fault, 
for as we all know, Love of a Good Woman can smooth all edges and fix 
all ills.  It can even prevent the hair from going grey.  Campanula, 
clearly, had failed him.

And so the trolley witch woman never smiled again.

As for poor dear Remus...well!  He did indeed get to speak with 
Campanula, which of course *must* have been the only reason he was on 
that train to begin with.  But it was obviously no great comfort to 
him, because if it had been, then he wouldn't have given off that 
attractive whiff of Love Lost all through PoA, and he wouldn't have
hoards of adult readers lusting after him so.  

Yes, yes, yes.  Poor Remus.  Poor Campanula.
  
Now, as for Dimorphotheca...

<Elkins hauls yet another flimsy canon up to the starboard side of 
the barge.  This one is labelled "THE CASE OF VOLDEMORT'S WAND, 
PETTIGREW'S GRUDGE, THE RAT IN THE MILK JUG, AND THE AMIABLE 
CENTAUR."  The barge begins to list to starboard.>

Yes.  This one *is* a bit heavier.  You may want to find some way to 
bolster Campanula's case after this, just to even things out a bit.

Now, under the Cherchez Principle, we may legitimate posit 
Dimorphotheca's existence because to do so properly can resolve so 
very *many* canonical mysteries.  How did Sirius find Peter so 
quickly after the Potters' deaths?  What became of Voldemort's wand?  
When Peter escaped Hogwarts as Scabbers in PoA, why did he then run 
off to hang around Hagrid's hut, of all places?  And why on earth 
*is* this theory called E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S., anyway?

CHERCHEZ!

<Elkins pauses for a moment here to eye the refreshments.  She thinks 
longingly of those spicy Vienna Sausages they serve on board the Big 
Bang Destroyer, lets out a deep and soulful sigh, and then just grits 
her teeth and carries on>
 
Mmmmm, yes.  Cherchez indeed.  So obviously, we need a romance to 
explain these matters properly.  Nothing else will do.  So here we 
introduce Dimorphotheca.  And obviously we'll give her to...

<Elkins blinks, then very slowly smiles.  A twisted smile.  A lazy 
smile.>

To Peter.  

We'll give her to Peter.

<notices Charis' expression>

Hey, come on, now!  James has Lily, Remus has Campanula, and Sirius --
 as we all know -- is busy toying with Florence's affections behind 
the greenhouses.  And besides, what's so dreadful about Peter anway, 
huh?  Why doesn't Peter ever get any action?

Charis explains:

> (Incidently, Peter doesn't get a girlfriend just out of spite and 
> because, well, let's face it, who'd have him?)

<Elkins throws the Ever-So-Inaccurately-Named Charis a very cold look 
indeed>

I *see.*  *Well!*  

And you people always wonder why the poor little rat went bad?

Okay.  That's it.  That.  Is.  *It.*  My sense of group loyalty 
towards all of those of us who...well, who Learned The Truth At 
Seventeen, shall we just say, has now been invoked.  It's been 
invoked with a vengeance.  This time around, Peter's getting the 
girl.  

For a little while, anyway.

Besides, giving Peter the girl gives this backstory the internal 
tension, the conflict, the sense of tragedy that it so desperately 
needs.  It also makes it LOLLIPOPS-friendly, which I gotta tell you, 
you're really going to need in *these* waters.  That Tabouli can be 
just plain *vicious.*

So.  Dimorphotheca is dating little Peter.  

<Elkins notices that Charis is still glaring at her and sighs>

Okay, fine.  She was only dating him because Lily talked her into it, 
okay?  After all, you *know* how nice we're all starting to suspect 
that Canon Lily is -- and LOLLIPOPS Lily...well, she's even nicer, 
isn't she?  "Oh, Sirius, stop picking on poor Severus.  It's not 
*his* fault if he's weird and creepy and knows all of those curses.  
I'm sure that he's just misunderstood.  And besides, can't you see 
that he's just desperately *unhappy?*"  

Yup.  Lily's nice, all right.  The sort of girl who wants *all* of 
her best girlfriends neatly hooked up with her own boyfriend's 
buddies, so that someday maybe they can have a Great Big WEDDING 
together.  But she's not at all the sort of girl who would ever hook 
up one of her best girlfriends with a play-the-field sort of guy like 
Sirius, 'cause that would be just plain mean.  After all, look what 
happened to poor Florence!  So instead, she badgered Dimorphotheca 
into hooking up with Peter.  "Oh, do give him a chance, Morphie.  
He's really kind of cute, in his own way.  And he *likes* you.  And 
besides, you know he'll slim down once he hits his growth spurt."  
All that sort of thing.

<Elkins smiles to herself and begins humming softly, "So pity please, 
the ones who serve...they only get what they deserve...," then 
realizes that her smile is beginning to take on that lazy quality 
again and shakes her head.  She clears her throat>

Well.  Yes.  Right.  

So now we've got Peter and Dimorphotheca as an item.  But what 
happens once all the fallout from the Florence incident dies down?  

Well, Sirius begins looking for a more stable relationship, that's 
what.  He's tired of playing the field.  He's tired of those 
Slytherin girls with their creepy Dark urges and their disturbing hex-
manias.  No, he wants a *nice* girl this time around, a girl with not 
the slightest bit of twist to her smile, a girl that he could feel 
comfortable bringing home to introduce to Mother.  And so he sets his 
sights on Dimorphotheca.

Well, what do you think?  Short pudgy guy that your girlfriend only 
talked you into giving the time of day in the first place, or Dead 
Sexy Sirius Black?

Yeah.  Not much contest really, is there?  And this, you see, is what 
laid down the groundwork for the entire tragedy -- for as we all 
know, romantic rejection in ones early teen-aged years is the *only* 
reason that *anyone* ever has for going bad.  

Ever.  

Just ask Cindy.  She'll tell you that I'm right.

This, you see, helps to explain Peter's otherwise seemingly-
uncharacteristic malice in the muggle-blasting incident.  After all, 
it really does seem a strange way for Peter to have ensured his own 
safety, doesn't it?  He's not usually a particularly malicious 
person, nor a vengeful one.  We've never once seen him take any other 
violent action that is not either commanded or absolutely necessary 
to ensure his own survival.  When he makes his escape at the end of 
PoA, he doesn't even hurt Ron, even though Ron refused to speak in 
his defense in the Shrieking Shack.  He just stuns the kid, that's
all.  Peter just doesn't seem like the type to dream up the utterly 
vindictive wickedness of his frame-up job on Sirius.

Ah...but cherchez, don't you know.  Cherchez, cherchez, cherchez.

And this, in turn, explains how it was that Sirius was able to find 
Peter so quickly after the Potters' deaths.  Peter *wanted* to be 
found, you see.  He was just *dying* to get some payback for Sirius 
stealing his girl back when they were sixteen years old.

Charis moons over Dimorphotheca's angst:

> Think about it. All in one night she looses two of her best friends 
> allegedly because the man she loves (Ahhh!) ratted on them, only to 
> be informed a few hours later that he's being hauled off to prison 
> laughing his head off in true lunatic fashion for murdering another 
> good friend plus 12 innocent bystanders... 

Ah, but it's even worse than that!  The man she (thought she) loved is
being dragged off to prison for murdering not only a good friend, but 
her EX!  The boy she *should* have chosen.  The boy she threw over, 
for a handsome laugh and a Dead Sexy flying motorbike and a heart as 
black as coal.  

Oh, how shallow she must have been to allow external appearances to 
sway her judgement like that (she agonizes)!  How superficial, how 
base!  Why, she even found herself thinking Bad Things about that 
little tart Florence, just to justify Sirius to herself, when all the 
time he truly was a Very Bad Man.  A Man as Wicked As They Come, that 
Sirius Black.

Yes, yes.  Poor Dimorphotheca.

Now here is where I start to diverge really wildly from Charis' 
version of E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S.  In hers, the muggle-born 
Dimorphotheca retreats utterly from the wizarding world to resume a 
life of muggledom.

I say no.  No, no, no.  Perhaps she *thought* of doing that, but what 
actually happened was...

Well.  First let's get back to Voldemort's Wand, shall we?  People 
are always wondering about Voldemort's wand.  Where could Peter have 
hid it?  Is it possible that he had an accomplice?  Did he hand it 
over to one of the other Death Eaters sometime between the muggle-
blasting incident and his disappearance from sight?  And if so, then 
how did he get it *back* to give it back to Voldemort in GoF?  

Fear not, because E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S. can explain!

Of course Peter didn't have an accomplice among the Death Eaters.  
How could he have? Sirius claims that the DEs held him responsible 
for what happened at Godric's Hollow, and the DEs all certainly seem 
surprised and dismayed by Voldemort's return in GoF. Not one of them 
seems to be smirking to himself there in the graveyard, 
thinking: "Boy, Pettigrew really owes me one for giving him back that 
wand a few months ago."  Not one of them seems to be expecting Big 
Rewards from Voldemort for keeping his wand safe for the past 
thirteen years.

Nope.  Peter *did* have someone to keep the wand safe for him, but 
that person wasn't a Death Eater.  It was the deeply-grieved 
Dimorphotheca.

The way I figure it, he must have come crawling round her house just 
after Sirius' arrest and taken advantage of the poor girl's guilt by 
feeding her some marvellous tale about his Great Secret Battle 
Against the Forces of Evil.  "Tell no one I am alive: the Ministry is 
full of treacherous agents of Darkness.  Just *look* at that
Fudge, for example!  Evil as they come."  "Keep this mystic artifact 
safe for me and tell no one of its existence."  "When Mars burns 
bright in the heavens, I shall be called once more to battle Evil and 
shall return for it."  "Ouch!  Morphie, dearest, snookums, love-
bunny, darling...I do adore you, but could you *please* stop trying 
to bandage that?  I mean, it really really *hurts,* okay?"  And all 
that sort of thing.

This was before all those years spent as a rat muddled his mind, you 
see.  He actually used to be a really, really *good* liar.  And 
besides, dear Dimorphotheca...well, truth be told, she was never the 
brightest star in Gryffindor's firmament anyway.

So.  There's the E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S. answer to the Voldemort's 
Wand question.  Peter took it with him from Godric's Hollow; it 
transformed along with him when he made his animagus escape from 
Sirius; and he brought it to Dimorphotheca that night, which was the 
reason that he didn't have it with him anymore when he transformed 
back in Shrieking Shack.

But what happened to Dimorphotheca then, you ask?  Well...this is 
where we have to...

<strikes dramatic pose>

CUE THE CENTAURS!

Yes.  Of *course* there are centaurs!  How could there not be?  This 
theory *is* called E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S., after all, so we need 
centaurs.  

Besides, we've all been wondering about those centaurs, haven't we?  
What *is* their deal, anyway?  Why *were* they out in force that same 
night that Quirrel/Voldemort was on his unicorn hunt?  Is there any 
particular significance to Mars burning unusually brightly, other 
than as a generalized portent of war?  Why does Firenze seem so much 
more human -- and so much more human-friendly -- than the other two 
centaurs?  And just what secrets -- other than feral Fords and giant 
Spiders -- *might* the Forbidden Forest be hiding, anyway?

E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S. is here to save the day!

See, Dimorphotheca meant to stay faithful to dear Peter's memory.  
She really did.  But then came the fateful day when the centaurs 
descended in force upon that Hogsmeade wedding to carry off all the 
women for themselves.  

Because centaurs do that, you know. They're notorious for that sort 
of behavior.  That, in fact, is the reason that in canon we never see 
them anywhere *outside* of the Forbidden Forest.  The Wedding 
Incident was the Last Straw for the good people of Hogsmeade, who 
thereafter banished them to the forest.

Dimorphotheca was, naturally, serving as one of the bridesmaids at 
that wedding, 'cause she's just an always-the-bridesmaid sort of gal, 
and so she soon found herself dragged off to the Forbidden Forest as 
the prize of a strapping big centaur named, uh, Polygonatum.

Not much she could do about it, really.  But you don't have to worry 
too much about her: in time, she adjusted to her new life, settled 
down into a state of romantic bliss, and bore her centaur lover a 
son: Firenze.

Firenze is really only a *half*-centaur.  This fits nicely into 
canon's tendency to provide us with characters of mixed heritage, and 
it also explains why he's so friendly to humans, and why Bane gets so 
very cranky with him when he helps out Harry in his overly humanish 
way.  The other centaurs had been trying to train him *out* of that 
sort of behavior, you see.  Hence all of the crankiness, and all of 
the "such is not our way"-ness, and Firenze's own absolute refusal to 
answer Harry when Harry asks him why Bane was so angry.

As for Dimophotheca herself, on her deathbed (what, you think giving 
birth to a half-centaur is *easy?*  No, even the centaurs couldn't 
save the poor girl's life, but that's okay, because as we all know, 
dying in childbirth is both virtuous and romantic), she handed
Voldemort's wand over to the father of her son, telling him all about 
her Lost Love Peter Pettigrew, destined to return to fight the reborn 
Voldemort when Mars would burn bright in the heavens. She made him 
promise by all of the oaths that centaurs hold sacred to keep her 
secret, and to keep the wand, and to deliver it to the right person 
when the proper time came.  

Polygonatum ate this up, of course, because centaurs just *love* 
prophecies, and this one happened to coincide neatly with a number of 
their own: Voldemort returning when Mars would burn bright in the 
heavens, a man named "Grew-Petty" having some important role to play 
in the Dark Lord's return, the innocent always being the first to 
go...all of that.  Clearly, Dimorphotheca was telling them the 
truth.  (Hey.  Even centaur divination isn't a very reliable art, you 
know.)  They took the wand and kept it safe and hidden.

So *this* explains why all of those centaurs were out and about in 
the Forbidden Forest the night that Quirrel went unicorn hunting.  
Their mystic arts had told them that the Dark Lord's return was 
imminent, and so they were out looking for Pettigrew, to give him 
back that wand.  And this is the true significance of Bane's
admonitory "What have you been telling him?"  And of Ronan's "The 
Forest hides many secrets."  And of Hagrid's own "They're deep, mind, 
centaurs...they know things...jus' don' let on much."

This is *also* the reason that Pettigrew was hanging around in 
Hagrid's cupboard, instead of heading straight for the hills like any 
sane coward in his position would have done.  As he had been making 
his escape through the Forest, you see, he'd overheard the centaurs 
talking.  Talking about Dimorphotheca.  And about him.  And about the 
wand.  So he *had* to hang around the Forest.  He was trying to 
figure out just what it would take to convince those nutty centaurs 
to give the wand back to him.  And eventually, he did -- which 
is how he then managed to *retrieve* Voldemort's wand and to have it 
back in his possession by the beginning of GoF.

And *this* is the real reason that this entire theory is called 
E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S. in the first place.  Not only because the 
acronym worked out well that way, and not *only* because I myself 
seem to be losing my own marbles, but also because the entire plot 
*hinges* on the abduction of Dimorphotheca from the wedding at 
Hogsmeade.

<Elkins exhales hard and throws herself down on the divan in utter 
exhaustion>

There.  How's that?

Charis said:

> Therefore I would like to make it clear that 
> E.L.G.I.N.M.A.R.B.L.E.S. is offered with an open invitation for an 
> anarchistic carnage at it's expense. Wreak havoc guys!

<Elkins salutes wearily>

Always glad to oblige, Captain.  Oh!  Look!  Land!

<suddenly energized, she leaps to her feet and hops over the side of 
the barge, into the comfortingly knee-deep water>

Thanks for the lift, Captain Charis.  I hope that the new canons suit 
you.  Do feel free to redecorate them however you like.  They're 
yours now.


-- Elkins, wading wearily back to shore while muttering darkly to 
herself: "Never.  Never again.  Never again will I set foot on 
someone else's SHIP.  Never again am I leaving land.  Never, never, 
never, never, never..."