[HPFGU-OTChatter] Bully for OT!

[Shaun Hately]

On 27 Jul 2002 at 2:23, Tabouli wrote:
 
> I might have well have tattooed "victim" across my forehead in primary school.  I 
> was a terribly timid, desperate to please, self-conscious and uptight little kid, 
> which was a bad start.  Worse, I did well at school, and a lower middle class 
> Australian primary school in the 70s and early 80s at that.  Such things are not to 
> be tolerated.  Worse still, I was useless at ball games (though not bad at athletics, 
> and I now suspect my uselessness at ball games may have its origin in self-
> fulfilling prophecy: I was a goody-goody loser, and therefore by definition bad at 
> sport).  Worst of all, and this was the clincher, I was, undeniably, Not Australian.  I 
> don't mean in the eyes of the Australian government, oh no.  I was born and 
> raised in Australia, both my parents were citizens at the time (my mother duel with 
> Malaysia).  I mean in the eyes of my peers.  I did not look white and of British or 
> at least Northern European stock and had an undeniably Chinese looking mother 
> waiting at the gate when I started school.

This is interesting - because of my own experiences.

I was bullied a lot - but there was one year in my schooling which was *hideously* 
bad. I had the misfortune to wind up in a school where bullying was rampant and 
where there was no real effort to stop it - indeed, the *victims* of bullying were 
routinely punished for not making an effort to fit in. I had the misfortune to be the 
'favourite' target - partly because of my academic abilities, partly because I didn't 
have much interest in sport, etc - but there was a lot of bullying, and a lot of victims.

*But* interestingly, there was one group who tended to avoid being bullied - and that 
was the students of Asian appearance. Why? Because bullying them would have 
been racist - and that was the one big no-no at this school. It gave them a level of 
protection that the rest of us didn't have. It actually made me *very* angry - not 
because they had that protection - they were fully entitled to it, nobody should be 
victimised on the grounds of race. Trouble was, nobody should have been 
victimised on any other grounds either.

The thing is, it left me with a clear impression. The best way to limit bullying in 
schools is to make it clear it's not going to be tolerated, and to make protecting the 
victims a priority. I left that school at the end of the year (fortunately - I'd have killed 
myself to avoid going back) and wound up at a school which didn't tolerate bullying 
and did try to protect the victims. It confirmed my theory, to my mind. There was 
still bullying - I don't think it can ever be totally eliminated, and I was still a victim. 
But five or six incidents in a year, was a lot better than unremitting torture, day after 
day after day. And when it happened - if they got caught - they were dealt with, and 
I knew they were dealt with. That made things much easier. Unfortunately, that 
school only went to the year level I entered it - so after a year I was out of such a 
safe environment - where I went afterwards was still far, far better than the year of 
hell - but it was a long way from perfect.

Tabouli:
> What *can* be done about bullying?  The sort of advice I've heard myself and 
> heard given to kids makes me cringe.  "Hit them back twice as hard so they don't > dare bully you again" isn't really an option when they're twice your size and 
> sometimes also number.  And hardly works for psychological bullying (few 
> victimised children have the self-esteem left to stand up for themselves verbally), 
> which can be devastating, and in some ways *more* damaging than physical 
> bullying because people are apt to take physical bullying seriously, at least when 
> visible damage has been done, whereas psychological bullying is easily dismissed 
> as child's play or something the child is told to "just ignore" (yeah right).

My opinion - there's no single thing that can be done about bullying - and part of the 
problem is that all too often, only single solutions are tried.

'Hit them back and they will stop' is generally intended as good advice - it's well 
meant. And it *can* work. Trouble is, some people assume that because they have 
seen it work, that it must always work. They don't see the fact that it doesn't always 
work, and they don't see the cases where it simply creates problems. It's all too easy 
to assume that our experiences are universal.

If I based my opinions on how to stop bullying, on my own experiences, what I saw 
work, then my solution would be that bullies should be punished severely and that 
stops them. That's what I saw work - severe punishment (in my case, physical 
punishment). The thing is - once again, it would be *very* wrong to assume that just 
because I saw it work, that it would always work. And, once again, it can also create 
problems instead of solving them.

If schools want to stop bullying, then they need a *range* of methods. They can't 
limit themselves to only one. Sometimes - quite a lot of the time - counseling, peer 
mediation, etc, works wonders. Sometimes the bully needs to be helped with self 
esteem issues. Sometimes the problem is the exact opposite - they have superiority 
issues. Some bullies are undisciplined louts who believe they can do what they like - 
others are so stifled and controlled, they act out in a rebellion. Some need 
compassion, some need to be deterred through some sort of sanction. Some need 
to be isolated so they can't hurt others. Some need to be taught better methods of 
interaction.

But - in my opinion - the number one issue has to be protecting the victims. The 
number one priority should be to ensure that those who are being bullied are as safe 
as possible - the bullying has to be stopped as quickly as possible. I've seen too 
many cases, where so much emphasis is put on helping the bully (and that can be 
important - they can be children with real problems and they need to be helped) that 
the victim is ignored. That's what happened in my year of hell - bullying, at that 
school, was seen as a 'cry for help', a sign that the bully needed to be helped. 
Maybe so - but it might have been nice if they'd tried to help the victims.

Actually, I think that may be where my fundamental problem with the idea of 'hitting 
back' comes from - when a child is told to hit the bully, to fight back, that child is 
being told that dealing with the bullying, dealing with the victimisation is *their* 
responsibility. It shouldn't be their responsibility - there is a duty to protect them 
from it, not to expect them to protect themselves. That doesn't mean that equipping 
them to protect themselves is a bad idea - but schools and teachers should 
acknowledge that if a child is placed in a position where they are forced to protect 
themselves, it's because they school environment failed to do so. That can happen - 
even if real efforts are made to try and prevent it - so if a school is trying, there's no 
sense in beating themselves up over the occasional failure - but they should 
acknowledge that it didn't work - and try and figure out how to prevent that again.

It also means there is a difference depending on *who* tells the child to defend 
themselves, IMHO. For a friend to tell a kid to hit back, it might be the only advice 
they can give - because they don't have any power over the problem. But teachers 
and schools *should* have power to at least try other methods.

Teach a kid to defend themselves by all means, let them know that if all else fails, 
that may be the only course left. But then you try to make sure that the last resort 
never needs to be in play.
 
Tabouli:
> "Stay away from them" places the blame squarely on the victim, and isn't a 
> realistic option either... I mean, who are these people kidding?  Have they 
> forgotten you are *locked up* in school all day with these people?  Outside class 
> they are free to go where they like!  If they want to bully you, what's to stop them 
> tracking you down?

Yeah - part of the reason my year of hell was so bad was that I couldn't avoid the 
bullies. There were limited areas we were allowed to be in, limited places for me to 
go. Two lunchtimes a week, I was safe in the library - but due to overcrowding, they 
had a system by which girls could use the library Mondays, Wednesdays, and 
Fridays, and boys on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I had nowhere to go three days a 
week.

After I was finally left unconscious on the toilet floors and the police and an 
ambulance were called, they came up with a solution - I was on permanent 
lunchtime detention for the rest of the year. Sure, it kept me safe from some 
physical attacks - but it really wasn't very fair.

You often *can't* avoid the people. The following year, at the school where bullying 
was taken seriously, they did try to ensure that potential bullies found it hard to get 
their victims alone - but the single worst incident I experienced that year happened 
in the showers after a hockey match. I was bundled into a corner of the showers and 
I was... well, to put it as politely as I can, they urinated all over me. You can always 
find a place where you can't be seen.

Besides - often the victim doesn't even have to be present for some acts of bullying. 
My homework used to be stolen from my bag so I'd get into trouble in class. One 
guy did a photo essay for a photography club on me that he knew would hurt me - 
but was subtle enough that the teacher in charge didn't realise what was going on. 
When I was 15, I produced a detailed experiment for a schools science competition, 
which was placed on display in the school library before it was to be sent to the 
national competition - it was destroyed - I had had a good chance of winning as well.

People knew my academic grades were important to me - so they spread rumours 
that I was failing subjects (I became known as '3D' based on my supposed letter 
grades). The school computer network displayed a message telling everyone I had 
AIDS.

'Keeping away' only solves some of the problems - even when it is possible. 
 
Tabouli:
> Telling people in authority so the bullies can be punished or Spoken To might 
> work on some occasions but can backfire disastrously.  Not only are you a 
> pathetic creature who deserves to be bullied, you are a dobbing informer who got > them punished!  Next time I catch you, I'll bash your head in for that.  Ahh, just
> what every kid needs to hear.

This is one of the things which can work - but as you say, it can backfire. A lot 
depends on the culture of the school, and this goes along with the next point you 
raise: 

Tabouli:
> Trying to educate kids about the evils of bullying and what to do about it before it 
> happens to pre-empt the problem.  Haven't read about whether this works or not.  
> Maybe.  Anyone know about this?

If done well, this can work wonders. It doesn't eliminate bullying by any means - but 
it can in some cases, change the school environment enough that bullying becomes 
less common. In a few cases, I've even seen it work to an extent where it does 
allow the victims - or others - to report bullying, and have it dealt with effectively. 
Because you can wind up with an environment where the students are so anti-bully, 
that *they* will protect each others rights to be safe from it, and to report it. It doesn't 
always work, by any means - but it's one of the many things that should be in the 
arsenal of dealing with it.

Rather suprisingly, to me at any rate, there are actually some bullies who don't 
realise what they are doing is actually genuinely hurtful - they think it's a joke, and 
they don't realise it hurts the other person. In some of these cases, they are 
genuinely *horrified* if and when they are convinced of how much they've hurt the 
other person. In these cases, education can work wonders. But it has to be 
remembered, that there are other bullies out there who know very well what they are 
doing - and want to hurt others, so it certainly doesn't always work.

Tabouli:
> I escaped the worst of the bullying I experienced when I finally got out of that 
> ghastly primary school and into a secondary school with a lot of Asian students 
> and a very academic focus, but the bulliability is still there, I just hide it better.  
> Learned that if you adopt a confident, assertive, don't-mess-with-me persona, 
> people usually don't try to bully you (and thereby discover you're really about as 
> personally assertive as a marshmallow).  And, after a particularly nasty episode in 
> my early twenties, took up karate.  Which really did help.

Assertiveness, etc, can work. *But* there's a problem with hiding your 'bulliability' 
and it's one I see with the gifted kids I work with. I've encountered a number of kids 
over the years who've been bullied because they are smart. And to try and avoid the 
bullies, they've chosen to hide that fact. Maybe it gives them some protection - but it 
also means they have to hide who they are. They have to be a different person to 
who they want to be.

And I've seen teachers *encourage* that. I actually had a science teacher in Year 9, 
who suggested I *deliberately* get questions wrong on tests in order to reduce the 
amount of teasing I received for being a science geek (I would have preferred if he 
had abandoned his practice of reading our marks out aloud...) Great. 

Tabouli:
> Sure, a lot of the "build your confidence" stuff is just martial arts promotional 
> hype, but actually, it did.  After a couple of years of having large, strong men 
> physically trying to kick and hit me in combat practice (and sometimes 
> succeeding, ow) and managing to defend myself successfully most of the time, it 
> took the edge off bullying a little.  Once I knew I had ways of dealing with bullying 
> if it reached a physical level, it made bullying in general a bit less threatening 
> somehow.  And standing up for myself a bit less scary.

And that is great - and I think it's worthwhile for all kids - I did zen do kai, and it did 
help me. But what it did was give me a back up - the knowledge I could defend 
myself as a last resort - I still think schools have a duty to ensure that last resort 
doesn't become necessarily.
 
Tabouli:
> I occasionally wonder if it would have helped if I'd done karate in primary school.   > I think it would have depended on the bully.  The ones who were in it for the fun of 
> distressing me would probably have given up, because it's not much fun pushing 
> someone around if they aren't intimidated and are skilled at fighting back.  It might 
> well have increased my social status a bit, being an interesting sport which would 
> probably have been seen to increase the attractiveness of staying on my good 
> side.  It's the ones with real malice I would worry about.  Who'd sneer and then 
> gang up eight kids to beat me up and thereby prove karate didn't make me as 
> tough as I thought I was.

'the ones with real malice' - I think you have it right. Most bullies aren't that bad - 
most aren't that malicious. That can leave people with the impression that *all* 
bullies are like that.

The moderate ones, the ones who aren't full of malice and viciousness, aren't that 
hard to deal with. But there are others.

Yours Without Wax, Dreadnought
Shaun Hately |webpage: http://www.alphalink.com.au/~drednort/thelab.html
(ISTJ)       |email: drednort at alphalink.com.au | ICQ: 6898200
"You know the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in
common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter
the facts to fit the views. Which can be uncomfortable if you happen
to be one of the facts that need altering." The Doctor - Doctor Who:
The Face of Evil | Where am I: Frankston, Victoria, Australia