Siblings of Gifted Children

[alhewison]

I've been reading the threads about Gifted Children with great 
interest, but my only experience is being the sister of a gifted boy 
(and now married to a gifted man).

Whilst reading about "gifted" children, I've come to believe that 
gifted is a misnoma - "burdened" would be a better description. 
Certaily my brothers gift had a profound affect on both him, and my 
sister and I. I don't think that I was marginalised by my parents - 
at certain times I would have monopolised my parents attention, BUT 
my brother's gift was an ongoing issue throughout our childhood - and 
beyond.

My brother's high IQ meant that at 10 he was doing O'Level Maths 
Questions (normally taken by 15/16 year olds). He was nicknamed 
the "Professor" at Primary School, and would sit reading during 
playtime when the rest of the kids were playing football etc. The 
education authority's special adviser actually told my parents that 
our local state schools would not be able to help him and suggested 
that he be sent to a particular private school which would be able to 
cope with his needs better* He was always targeted and noticeable 
through school, and I was bullied, not for what I was, but because I 
was his sister.

* I don't actually know whether Britain does now have special 
programmes for "Gifted" kids, but certainly in the 70's and 80's 
nothing was apparent. Given that we lived in London and my father was 
a teacher, we would have had access to them if they did exist. 
Equally, I have never heard of children jumping years in the State 
sector - though I know of several people who advanced A year in the 
private sector. This might have something to do with the fact that 
kids automatically progress to the next years whether they pass their 
exams or not.

My brother cotinued to excel in all things academic. The number of 
teachers etc who told my parents that he was the brightest thing they 
had ever seen... In this respect I really do identify with "Ron"; I 
was always expected to do OK, but if I did, it was nothing special as 
my brother had already done it. My parents did try to give us equal 
opportunities, and nearly bankrupted themselves by sending us to the 
same Private school. I think that part of the problem for me was that 
there was only 1 school year between my brother and me - and I was 
forever in his shadow. If I got a question wrong, more than one 
teacher told me to ask my brother, and he was frequently mentioned as 
how things could be done. I can remember not having to have an 
audition for the school choir as my brother had perfect pitch. 
altough I can sing ok, I forever felt like a fraud as though I'd got 
in on somebody else's merit.

I was always desperate to do well as I wanted to be "special" too, 
and consequently often felt like a failure. If I worked hard for an 
exam, I'd often panic because I so wanted to achieve - and make it 
impossible for myself. I liked Tabouli's thread on the Western issue 
of "working hard" - I certainly wanted to succeed effortlessly, and 
can remember being mortified by my father proudly telling people how 
hard I worked. It just seemed to undermine my sense of failure.

In the UK we specialise early, so I of course made sure that all my 
favourite subjects were different to my brother's. Whilst he did 
Science and Maths A'Levels, I did History, Latin and Greek. I could 
actually enjoy doing subjects he'd never done, and there could be no 
comparison. 

I hit problems at University. For years I had wanted to be a 
Solicitor, and study Law. My brother went to Cambridge to read Maths, 
got bored after a year, and decided he wanted to do someting 
different - Medicine or Law. Medicine was full, so he changed to Law. 
We therefore started our Law Degrees together. Given that we went to 
different Universities, nobody would really have been able to compare 
us, but I couldn't cope with him doing "my" subject. I did get my 
degree - somehow, but I never did take up my place at Law School. My 
brother is still a happily practicing solicitor.

I still hanker after Law, but now couldn't afford to go to Law 
School. At the time I couldn't have done it. I guess in a very long-
winded way, I fully accept that being "Gifted" is a challenge. But it 
is also very difficult being held in the spot light because of 
somebody's else - which you have no control over - and found wanting.

By the way, I'm actually very happy now. I feel a bit embarassed that 
I am possibly at my happiest, now as a full-time Mum. At the moment 
anyway, I don't feel judged, or a failure. I am often bored with 
being just with my 4 and 2 year old - but truthfully, I was often 
bored in my last job. Of course many of my friends think that I've 
thrown away my education/ career etc, for me though, I've simply put 
them on hold. When I do go back to work in a couple of years, I 
really think I'll have stepped out of my "failure" strait jacket 
which has dogged me since childhood.

Ali

who apologises for waffling so much, and who never realised that 
Harry Potter would help exorcise some of the demons of her childhood!