Fw: Texas Facts

[demeranville]

Most of these will fit for Alabama as well. Oh well, I guess the 
southern states have to stick together.

--- In HPFGU-OTChatter at y..., "Amanda" <editor at t...> wrote:
> > Facts you know in Texas:
>Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the 
air.
> This is actually untrue. The reproductive cycle of the armadillo 
requires that it mate with a tire. If the mating is successful, soon 
afterwards tire will blow and the baby armadillos will skitter off 
into the grass. This explains all the large pieces of tire you see 
along Texas highways. All the squooshed armadillos are unsuccessful 
lovers.

Me: And armadillos stink something foul if you run one over. I think 
they are where stink bombs come from.

> There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a 
couple no one's seen before.
> True. Most of the 10,000 also live in my house, except the black 
widows, which to be honest have never come inside. They're on the 
outside and in the mailbox, but not in the house.

Me: We have spiders too. And roaches and all other kinds of horrible 
insects. We seem to have a problem with Black Widows and Brown 
Recluses here, but maybe I just seem to go looking in places I 
shouldn't.

> Possums will eat anything. 
> Even in suburbia. And they have a nasty bite. And they are luckily 
totally incapable of carrying rabies.

Me: I don't care, they attack my cats. I don't like them. 

> If it grows, it sticks you.  If it crawls, it bites you.
> Yes. There are 5,637 species of stinging insects, and most of them 
nest on or around my house, in amongst the stickers. We wage a 
constant war against the stickers and the bull nettles.

Me: We have all kinds of fun insects that I am blessed to be allergic 
to, yellow flies, mosquitos (these can take off with a small child) 
and did I mention our roaches? We have managed to create sticker 
grass as well. It looks just like normal grass, until you step on it, 
then it sends sharp spikes into your feet.
 
> Nothing will kill a mesquite tree. ("tree" is a courtesy term, 
here). True. Not cutting it down, not burning it out, not plant 
killer, nothing. They're permanent.

Me: Nothing kills Magnolias, Kudzu or Pine trees either. Except maybe 
hurricanes, which leave the kudzu alone. I think even hurricanes are 
afraid of it.

> There are valid reasons some people put concertina wire around 
their house.
>Can't help you with this one, I've never heard of concertina wire.

Me: There are people that use this stuff. But where I live high walls 
and broken glass seem to be the norm (concertina is barbed wire). But 
these are also the people who refer to "The War of Northern Agression"

> You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to 
corner.
>I can't work this one out. If anyone figures out what the hell this 
is saying, do enlighten us.

Me: This is true in Alabama as well. I think the person who laid out 
the county roads used a map and spagetti. That's all I can figure for 
all the curves on all of the roads. 

> The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct 2 until June 25, then it stops 
totally until Oct 2.
> This person is obviously from west Texas, a huge place we non-
affectionately refer to as "God's ping-pong table."

Me: The wind blows here constantly, and the weather is never the 
same. This weekend it was in the 90+F range. Today it's in the 50s. 
Go figure.

> Onced and Twiced are words.
> Yup.

Me: You mean people think they aren't?

> All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, 
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
> Let's see. Poteet Strawberry Festival. Noonday Sweet Onion Festival.
 Floresville Peanut Festival. Hah! Wait! The Czilispiel is none of 
the above! Hah! But mostly, this is true.

Me: Except for the Shakespeare festival, all of ours are.

> Coldbeer is one word.
> Where is it not?

Me: Who has coldbeer and isn't sharing?

> People actually grow and eat okra.
> Not me. Ugh. Okra is a creation of Satan.

Me: Me neither, Okra is disgusting. Although put it in gumbo and we 
can talk.

> When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will 
survive.
>I think the fire ants will be there, too.

Me: The cockroaches, fire ants, and the pigeons (they aren't afraid 
of anything here) and Mobile's resident squirrel population (I have 
never seen so many cars swerve for the squirrels, they aren't moving 
out of your way)

> There IS a polite way to spit.

Me: And that would be into your spit cup.

> When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City 
people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
> Yes. And cats.

Me: The resident stray dog population exists around my summer house. 
My grandfather has all of the stray cats.

> Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when 
you're 2.

Me: You are only offered sweet tea, don't ask for it unsweet or you 
get dirty looks from the waitstaff.

> 'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

Me: And the appropriate response is "Nah, diju?" (No, did you?)

> You know you're from Texas if:
> 1. You measure distance in minutes.

Me: We do this here too. I have no concept of distance. Just how far 
things are in minutes. And I know how long things take given the time 
of day as well (rush hour and such)

> 2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

Me: We did this all weekend. And all winter (I use that term loosely)

> 3. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what 
time it is; you work until til you're done or it's too dark to see.

> 4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no 
one in it.
> Or with loads of kids in it.

Me: Wait, you mean you are suppose to turn the car off? And take kids 
out of it? Why?

> 5. You use 'fixinto' as one word.
> Fixinto *is* one word.

Me: Who said it wasn't. Ya'll is a word too. It is singular. All 
ya'll is plural. All ya'lls is plural possessive.

> 6. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave 
both unlocked.

Me: All the time.

> 7. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
> Um, who else's car would you carry them for?

Me: My father gave me road flares and jumper cables when I turned 16. 
I can't tell you how many times I have had to use the jumper cables. 
(One of these days I am going to remember to turn off my lights)

> 8. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
> *are*

Me: The simple games are the most fun aren't they?

> 9. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and chili.

Me: We use garlic instead of chili here, but we are an odd family.

> 10. You know everyone on TV has an accent.
> Actually, San Antonians don't have much of an accent. Only north 
and west Texans have much of what the world thinks of as a Texas 
accent (thank you, "Dallas").

Me: We can tell where you are from in the state by your accent. And 
everyone on TV gets the southern accent wrong. We are not all that 
illiterate. Just the ones who get interviewed after hurricanes.

> 11. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
> On either gender.

Me: What else would you wear?

> 12. The local papers covers national and international news on one 
page but  requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
> High school sports alone gets two pages.

Me: Our local section runs at 12 pages. Our sports section is huge. 
Especially during football season. 6A football gets 6 pages by 
itself. More if there was a rivalry game over the weekend (high 
school or college)

> 13. You think that the first day of deer season is a national 
holiday.
> It's not?

Me: We are the only family in the state that doesn't hunt. I know, we 
are an embarrassment.

> 14. You find 100 degrees F "a little warm."
> I personally find it too f***ing hot, myself, but then, I don't 
care for jalapenos or chicken fried steak, either. I think I'm a 
changeling.

Me: That's only a little warm. But it's not the heat, it's the 
humidity. That will kill you. Especially when it is so steamy you can 
cut it with a knife. Even the bay is uncomfortable at that point. 

> 15. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, Summer, Still summer, 
and Christmas.
> Sadly, this is too true to be funny. All you people jumping up and 
down because something bloomed in your yard, when our first batch of 
wildflowers has gone to seed and been mowed down and things are 
starting to get brown and crispy.....

Me: Our seasons are the same way, but we have Spring training, 
Summer, Football, and Christmas as well.

> 16. You know whether another Texan is from east, west, north or 
south Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
> Especially if they open it to spit.

Me: Ditto for Alabama. 

> 17. You know there is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population 
of 1000 or more and you  use them as milemarkers for trips.
> Yes. I know the distance (in hours/minutes) between DQs on the way 
to Houston and Austin and College Station. Sigh.

Me: DQ is the way to count towns. Although I am finding fewer of them.

> 18. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as " goin wal-
martin" or off to "Wally World."
> This is not as time-honored as the rest, Wal-Marts are not that old.

Me: Going 'Martin is only fun late at night if you dress for the 
part. Small children and sponge curlers are crucial.

> 19. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good 
chili weather.
> I don't like chili. But anything under 82 is cool weather.

Me: I dont do chili. But it's good gumbo weather. (I am from the 
coast, we do seafood)

> 20. You think eating chili helps to cool you off in hot weather by 
making you sweat.
> It does. But I don't like chili.

Me: Eating gumbo for the same reason works too.

> 21. You know frito pie isn't a pie, and isn't a dessert, but should 
be a food group.
> It isn't?

Me: So should shrimp dip.

> 22. You find the word dinner confusing - there's only lunch and 
then there's supper.
> Yes. Breakfast --> Lunch --> Supper. A dinner is a formal thing 
where you have to dress nicely, or have reservations for, or where 
there is an honoree.

Me: Agreed. Dinners are formal occasions. And we do enough of those 
with Mardi Gras every year. 

> 23. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends 
from Texas.
> Or to your friends all over everywhere. If you read this far, you 
are friends indeed, or you have Texan relatives and understand.

Me: Or you are from Alabama, or the rest of the deep South. 

> --Amanda
Glad to know Alabama isn't the only state this applies to.


Meg