[HPFGU-OTChatter] Destroying the past

[Iggy McSnurd]

>    From: "Shaun Hately" 
> 
> I went for a walk today - a nice long walk, through some of the
> area I grew up in. I felt myself drawn to a memorial to a girl I
> knew who was murdered a little over ten years ago. And seeing I was
> then in that area, I decided to walk past the school she attended -
> which was the same school I attended in 1987 when I was 12 years
> old and in 'Year 7' of school. I generally refer to it as the
> school from hell  <snip>
> 

Iggy here:

I can relate, Shaun.  I tend to think of it as "healing" rather than
"destroying," since you need to hold on to the knowledge of those
experiences and how they made you feel, and heal the pain itself.
That's something I'm still trying to do at age 33.

Since I rarely went to the same school for more than a year or two, I
can't hear that the school I went to is being torn down.  Of course, I
have occasionally gone by my middle school (gr 7 & 8) and high school to
say hello to a teacher or two who treated me kindly.  If you do that, it
might heal some of the bad memories by consciously trying to reinforce
the good ones.

Like you, I was one of those guys everyone picked on.  (I still have a
bluish scar on my left bicep where someone stabbed me in the arm with a
pencil for no real reason, and I now have a... well, I prefer to call it
a "dimple" rather than a "dent..." on the end of my nose from being
punched in the face so often.)  For me, it was one of three things that
got me treated so hideously in school:  "Let's pick on the geek.", "I'll
make a name for myself by beating up on the big guy," or "Hey, everyone
else is doing it, so it must be ok."

The occasional teacher has even gotten in on the act.  (My initials are
"R.M." and one teacher, in the middle of class one day, said that it was
too bad my initials weren't B.M. so that they could nickname me "bowel
movement."  One of the other kids in the class said "What about 'rectal
movement?" and she gave him an extra credit point for saying something
clever.)

Throughout my life, I have always told myself and others that, while I
may not have liked what a lot of people have done to me, I was forgiving
enough to not actually hate anyone.  (I even eventually forgave, and
made peace with, the old friend who stuck a gun in my face back in high
school.  He was in the middle of a psychotic episode, and the gun was
unloaded... but I didn't know either at the time.  The episode made
things easier to forgive with him, since I know he wasn't in control of
himself at the time and he forced me out of the house rather than
pulling the trigger.  On the other hand, I still have a pretty bad anger
reaction to anyone even pointing a toy gun at me.)

Recently, however, I've had to come to grips with the fact that there
are people out there I *do* hate, and that's very hard for me.  Hate is
a very ugly emotion, and can get out of control, but I also have to
understand that it's there in everyone, and if you deny that it's there,
it can literally eat you up like a festering wound.  

I hate the friend who was like a brother to me for five years, and
eventually betrayed me and his GF (who was a friend of mine) for *my*
girlfriend.  I hate the GF he betrayed me for, who told me later that
she only dated me to get to him.  They both also spread a lot of ugly
rumors about me to ostracize me from a group we were all a part of.  I
hate one of the members of that group for later working on a different
GF of mine, not to date her, but to just turn her against me.  I hate
the guy who was a manager at a place I worked and left, and who ended up
working hard for a year and a half to keep me from getting a job
whenever someone called the place for a reference.  I hate a group of
the kids I used to hang out with in high school for trying to help a
couple of the girls in the group to try and take my virginity against my
will... (read as "attempted gang rape by a couple of girls while a few
of the guys tried to hold me down."  And yes, a guy can be raped by
women.  The body doesn't always react as the mind wishes.  They stopped
the attempt when I was struggling so hard I kicked one of the guys in
the face and almost dislocated his jaw.  I still have an incredible fear
of being physically restrained in any manner.)

I say all this, Shawn, not to "steal your thunder," but so that you can
understand that I'm not just offering platitudes... I really do
understand where you're coming from.  You're on the road to healing a
lot of old wounds, and it's hard... I know.  Keep with it and understand
that the road won't always be easy, clouds will pass even deeper over
the sun on your journey, and at times, the weight you struggle under
will become even greater.  But with that, you will learn how to traverse
our path, no matter how rough, you will see more clearly then many when
the sun shines, and the weight you bore will have made you stronger.
Healing isn't just everything getting better steadily, but when you plod
through the times when things are worse for a while, it will make you
appreciate the easier times more as well.

By walking through that school, you've started a process.  Stick with
it, actively pursue it even, and the world will be better for your
journey.  And if you ever need someone to talk to who's going through
similar experiences, just e-mail me.

Iggy McSnurd