Couplethinking

[Judy <judyshapiro@directvinternet.com>]

<Judy peeks out from under her "winter mulch" of seed catalogs>

Melody said:
> Agape. A very deep love that I like to describe as the love that
would die for you.

Oh, now I have "I Vow to Thee, My Country" playing in my head.  As
sung by Charlotte Church.  "The love that asks no questions, the love
that stands the test!  That lays upon the altar the dearest and the
best!"  I actually like that song quite a bit, especially because of
the last two lines, "And her ways are ways of gentleness, and all her
paths are peace."  These lines are a translation of an important part
of the Jewish liturgy, which actually refers to the Torah (Jewish
bible), but which I associate with my mother.  

Elkins asked:
> Did Paul get *laid* on the Road To Damascus? 

Now, that's not a sentence one hears everyday, is it? 

It seems that several people here agree with at least some of Elkins'
charges against "couplethinking," namely, that it makes close
non-sexual relationships difficult and suspect, that it often results
in single people being excluded socially, that it put pressure on
single people to pair-up, and so forth.  What people here seem to
object to is what is known in sociology as "the privileging of sex." 
Essentially, the privileging of sex is the belief that sexual
relationships should be central to life.  This belief has the
corollary beliefs that anyone in a strongly emotional relationship
(other than with a blood relative) *must* be experiencing sexual
attraction, that a relationship doesn't "count" unless it is sexual,
than life without sex is incomplete, etc.  In other words, sex
occupies a privileged position in our society.  

I agree that this is a real problem.  What I see as the worst part of
"the privileging of sex" is that it leaves partnerless people in an
awful position.  I never really had a boyfriend until I met Tom (who
is now my husband) at the age of 24.  Before that, I felt socially
excluded a lot.  I remember some of my female friends saying that I
shouldn't worry so much about not having a boyfriend, and should just
concentrate on my (non-romantic) friendships.  But, when I'd respond
with "OK, good idea. So, do you want to go see a movie?" they would
invariably say "Sorry, I've got a date with my boyfriend."  Gah! 

I think sex is less "privileged" in many other societies.  For
example, there are plenty of societies where two women can be very
close emotionally, sleep in the same bed, etc., and no one thinks the
relationship is sexual.  In other societies, celibate roles such as
monk or nun are also far more prominent, too.  (In some societies,
such as pre-Soviet Mongolia, as many as one in three adults were in
celibate clergy roles, although it's an open question how many of them
avoided all forms of sexual activity.  These Mongolian celibate clergy
were Tibetan-style Buddhists. At least in Tibet itself, sex between
adult monks and boys was considered normal, so that may have been
going on in Mongolia, too.  Don't know what the situation was for
nuns.) 

By the way, I feel one of the worst things about "the privileging of
sex" in our society is that it somehow manages to put a huge amount of
pressure on people to pair up, but somehow manages to avoid pressuring
people to live up to their obligations to their sexual partners.  In
other words, a rich man (say, a politician) can dump the wife that
supported him (financially and emotionally) through the early stages
of his career as well as the children they had together, and still be
seen as socially appropriate because he's in a relationship, even
though it may now be with a woman young enough to be his daughter. 
His long suffering ex-wife, however, is seen as a failure, or even as
an immoral "single mother", because she is now alone.  This really
infuriates me.

Elkins also said:
>And I think that Snape's task really *is* likely to turn out to
> be the most boring and obvious one of going back to Voldemort

How can anything Snape does be obvious and boring?

-- Judy 
<goes back to debating the relative virtues of skirret and romanesco
broccoli>