FF: Hermione's thoughts after the Yule Ball (formerly deleted post #13651)

[Devika <devika@sas.upenn.edu>]

OK, here it is again.  For those of you who already read this before 
I deleted it, I'm sorry for any confusion that may have caused.  For 
those of you reading it for the first time, please be kind as this is 
my first attempt at writing fanfiction, and I wrote it about an hour 
after my bedtime :) Anyway, I'm told that it is in fact appropriate 
for me to repost this, so here goes.
(Small disclaimer first:  I have never considered myself a true 
SHIPper, despite the obvious R/H leanings of this fic.  This isn't an 
argument for R/H, or against H/H; it's just what I've always thought 
might be going through Hermione's head at this particular time.)


SETTING:  Gryffindor Tower, immediately following The Big Fight after 
the Yule Ball

	Hermione stormed into the girls' dormitory and flung herself 
onto her bed, pulling the curtains around her.  Parvati and Lavender 
had not returned to the room yet, and Hermione was grateful; now she 
could think without being distracted about what had just happened in 
the Gryffindor common room.
	
Her own words echoed in her head:  "If you don't like it, you know 
what the solution is...next time there's a ball, ask me before 
someone else does, and not as a last resort!"  
	
In the darkness, she closed her eyes.  She pictured Ron's face in her 
mind, Ron's expression after she had said this.  He had looked 
utterly bewildered, completely taken by surprise at her words.  She 
couldn't blame him, really.  After all, she had been surprised at her 
own boldness.  But what else could have happened, under the 
circumstances?  Suddenly, during those moments in the common room, 
what for a long time had been a growing suspicion in the back of her 
mind had come sharply into focus, and she had finally understood 
Ron's behavior for the past few weeks.  She could finally be sure of 
his feelings for her, even though he had not yet fully realized them 
himself.  She had needed to say what she had said to him.  She had to 
make him understand. . . 
	
Hermione sat up in her bed, staring at the red curtains.  Her anger 
was slowly ebbing away.  What had she really expected of him, 
anyway?  She *knew* him, after all.  He had been one of her closest 
friends for years.  And she valued her friendships more than 
anything.  But still. . . 

How frustrating the past few months had been, knowing that no one had 
ever seen her as anything but the top student in the year.  This had 
never bothered her before; she had always enjoyed the attention that 
she had earned by being intelligent.  But recently, she had begun to 
doubt if she would ever be seen as anything but a brain.  Ron had 
been no different from anyone else in seeing her this way, but with 
him it was different.  He knew that she was more than just a talented 
mind and a powerful wand, but still to him, she was just a friend, 
just "one of the boys."  She had tried to make herself believe that 
he just hadn't begun to take any interest in girls yet.  But his 
reactions to Fleur had effectively destroyed that notion in her mind.
  
Yes, she had been angry with Ron, even though she knew that this was 
irrational and unfair.  She had been angry because he had refused to 
notice her as a girl.  He had refused to notice that she had changed, 
somehow, from the way she had been when they had first met.  And he 
had refused to notice that she wanted him to notice!  Even during the 
preparations for the Yule Ball, when he might have thought of her as 
a potential partner, he still hadn't noticed.  Not until the very 
end, when she had already agreed to go with Viktor. . .
 
Viktor.  Hermione thought of him, her face reddening slightly in the 
privacy of the darkened room.  It hadn't taken *him* very long to 
realize that she was a girl.  She had certainly been flattered by his 
attention
and he was very nice, and smart, and talented.  All in all, 
she liked him very much, and she certainly did not want to hurt him.  
But did she really have the same feelings for him that he seemed to 
have for her?  Hermione wasn't sure.  When she had been so insecure, 
he had been the first one to show a serious romantic interest in 
her.  And, no matter what happened between them, she would always be 
grateful for that. . .
   
But still, Hermione reminded herself sharply, focusing her thoughts 
once more on the issue at hand, Ron *had* finally realized that, in 
his words, she *was* a girl.  And, she thought with the smallest bit 
of satisfaction, he had certainly been jealous that she had gone to 
the ball with Viktor.  So there was hope, after all.  Hermione was 
sure of it—when Ron was ready, he would see.  Someday, he would 
finally understand and be able to express what he had been feeling.  
And she could be patient.  She would pretend that their argument had 
never happened.  For the sake of their friendship, she thought, 
smiling in the darkness, she would wait.