Speak You English?

[charisjulia]

Well, I spent the day today clearing out my room and the cellar from 
all the assorted junk that I had't realised was there, and while 
going through a pack of papers saved in a folder I came across an 
article cut out from the magazine that accompanies our Sunday 
newspaper. It contained a collection of "gems" in the use of the 
English language collected from all over the globe and sent in by the 
readers of the magazine and it's rather . . . entertaining. Well, at 
least the first time my family read it we were helpless. And I'm 
still grinning madly after going through them all again, so I thought 
I'd share. This id a selection of those which made me laugh the 
hardest:

Restaurant, Nairobi: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to 
see the manager'

Cocktail bar, Norway: "Ladies are kindly requested not to have 
children in the bar"

Hotel, Acapulco: "The manager has personally passed all the water 
served in this establishment"

Instructions leaflet for the air-conditioning, hotel, Japan: "Cooles 
and Heates: If you want condition of warm air in your room, please 
control yourself"

Notice of a hand- drying machine in a public toilet: "Do not activate 
with wet hands"

Hotel, Tokyo: "Guests are requested not to smoke or do other 
disgusting behaviours in bed"

Menu at a restaurant, Switzerland: "Our wines leave you nothing to 
hope for"

Bar, Tokyo: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts"

Hotel, Bucharest: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During 
that time we regret that you will be unbearable"

Hotel opposite a cemetery, Moscow: "You are welcome to visit the 
cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and 
writers are buried daily except Thursday"

Hotel, Paris: "Please leave your values at the desk"

Hotel, Japan: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid"

Hotel at a sky resort, Austria: "Not to perambulate the corridors in 
the hours of repose in the boots of ascension"

Hotel, Hong Kong: "For you convenience, we recommend courteous, 
efficient self-service"

Signpost in the Black Forest, Germany: "It is strictly forbidden on 
our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for 
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are 
married with each other for that purpose"

Hotel, Zurich: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of 
the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be 
used for that purpose"

Laundrette, Rome: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the 
afternoon having a good time"

Pub, London: "Open seven days a week and weekends too"

Pension, Switzerland: "Special Today: No Ice-Cream"

Hotel, Moscow: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are 
welcome to it"

Charis Julia, who once came across a menu in a Greek taverna 
featuring lamb cooked in spit in the specials section.