FF POLITICALLY CORRECT HARRY POTTER - BOOK ! (I of 1)

[samnanya]

NOTE  - I got the idea for writing this little satire when I began
questioning  why on earth I was getting all lathered up about
other people's (and my own) opinions and posts on the HPFGU
site and about the Harry Potter series in general. 

Comments are appreciated.  First post is the story, second is the 
epilogue.
Enjoy!. 

So without further ado or explanation, and taking into account as
many of the suggestions I could stomach, here for your 
entertainment in two parts is .....



                THE  POLITICALLY CORRECT HARRY POTTER

                         YEAR ONE -  THE THINGY STONE

Chapter One - The Boy Who Lived
==========================
In which, after dropping Harry Potter at 4 Privet Drive, Rubeus Hagrid
is arrested and sent to Azkaban for not wearing his crash helmet while
illegally flying over Privett Drive on a motorcycle allegedly 
registered to 
convicted felon Sirius Black.

"Don't blame me!" yelled Mr. Hagrid, ripping a tire off a police 
cruiser, 
"Finding a size 24 motorcycle helmet is tough enough this time of 
night,
and I was on an urgent and secret mission on behalf of Albus 
Dumbledore, 
deliverin' a baby to Priv....oops, shouldn't have told ya that!".

Mr. Hagrid was later released on his own recognizance on a 
technicality
after the arresting officer's defective alcohol detector could not 
demonstrate
that Mr. Hagrid had consumed the required three quart minimum needed 
to 
prove that the half giant.was indeed intoxicated.

Later in the chapter,  the Dursleys  have Harry's scar illegally 
removed by 
out-patient cosmetic surgery and the application of copious amounts of 
botox.


Chapter Two - The Boy Who Can't Be Found
=================================
In which, after years of abuse and neglect by the Dursleys, Harry 
Potter
was removed from their care by Child Welfare and placed at the 
residence
of Frank Bryce where he mysteriously disappeared shortly thereafter.
"I have no idea whatsoever what happened to the boy!" hissed the small 
squat man when contacted by a representative from Child Welfare.
"Lassst I sssaw of him he was being fed to .... I mean feeding our pet 
ssnake, Nagini." 

In an angry interview, Albus Dumbledore raged that "Some idiot at 
Child
Welfare removed young Potter from a home where he was under a charm
to protect him against the Death Eaters and sent him to a  place where 
he 
likely was eaten by one."

Child Welfare declined to comment.


Chapter Three - The Letters To No One
=============================
Deleted and later renumbered since Harry has not yet been found.
See attached picture of young Potter on Milk Carton.


Chapter Four - The New Keeper of the Wands
=================================
In which Dolores Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of 
the
Ministry of Magic, helps sign into law two special pieces of 
legislation, one
for the production of environmentally approved safety wands,   and the 
other
for the protection of  young wizards and muggles. 

According to the first law, all wands must be manufactured in such a  
way
that no dragons, unicorns, or phoenixes would be harmed during the 
making
of said wands. In addition, a special license from the MoM would be 
required
before production of wands made from unicorn tails would be approved.
The measure passed by a narrow margin, with angry and vocal 
dissention.
"What purpose is a wand if it cannot be used ?" raged Albus 
Dumbledore. 

The second law required that all Hogwarts students  would only be 
authorized
to wave a non-functional wand. Wands that  turn into chickens when 
waved,
though frowned upon, would  be acceptable pending the development of a 
more
aesthetically pleasing model. Students caught using a non-approved 
wand would
be subject to immediate expulsion.
In addition, all students would be rigorously tested on the ethics and 
morals of
proper wand use, including specific directives against the improper 
insertion
of wands into body orifices of any and all living creatures (including 
but not 
limited to troll nostrils)


Chapter Five - Diagon Alley
=====================
In which students and parents who arrived at Diagon Alley found that 
most
of  the stores had been closed or were out of business due to the 
onerous 
legislative environment or events beyond anyone's control.

 Gringotts Bank was shuttered after  the books were found to be cooked
(literally) by some rogue goblins. All safe deposit boxes were sealed 
and
Hagrid could not retrieve the sorcerers stone hidden in Vault 713 
(oops, 
shouldn't have told ya that!).

Mr. Ollivander was taken into custody and his wand shop shuttered by 
the
MoM after dozens of illegal wands made from the tails of  unicorns and 
dodos were found hidden under illegally deforested mahogany chips.

Hogwarts students aimlessly wandered about Diagon Alley as they tried 
in vain to obtain the newly required license needed to purchase owls, 
but
no one in  the MoM really gave a hoot.  In effect, all students were 
forced
to send all mail via the  post office, which resulted in the cessation 
of all
effective  mail delivery to and from Hogwarts for the year. Attempts 
to
send letters to Hogwarts via owls covered with sticky postage stamps
proved futile. Wildlife rescue needed to be called to free and clean 
the 
many gummy and postage cancelled owls that littered the countryside.
A special investigation is pending.

Rats, er.... vermin, were clearly not  permitted as (gasp!) pets by 
the  MoM 
since "the MoM can not be responsible for tracing where they have 
been". 
In a last attempt at sanity, and at great personal peril, an anonymous 
wizard
sent Hedwig to search for Harry Potter, though the poor thing  did not 
have
a clue who Harry Potter was or what to look for.


Chapter Six - Journey to Hogwarts
=========================
In which we met Neville Longbottom, the Weasleys, Draco Malfoy and
Hermione Granger as well as several other inconsequential students. 
The trip
on the Hogwarts Express was uneventful and dreadfully boring as no one
aboard was famous or worthy of going on about.
(editor's note : The only objection  we found in this chapter  is an 
uncompensated  product placement - a reference to "mars bars"-  which
was of course erased since no wizard knew what on earth a mars bar 
was,
and Miss Granger, the only identifiable muggle on board,  was not 
helpful,
which was understandable considering  that her parents were both 
dentists.


Chapter Seven - The Sorting Hat
========================
In which the Sorting Hat was declared a bio-hazard having been on who
knows how many filthy first year heads during  the thousand years of
Hogwart's existence. The hat was about to be tossed into the rubbish 
when
someone got the bright idea  to auction it off on EBay where it was 
sold to
some poor unsuspecting muggle for fifteen pounds.

The students were sorted into their houses using a politically correct 
procedure
that assured that all students would be allocated fairly and 
impartially to a
house.  Draco Malfoy was assigned to Gryffindor and Susan Bones to 
Slytherin,
where she was promptly turned into a bullfrog by Flint.

Hermione Granger was assigned to Hufflepuff. She was later observed 
chewing
gum and drawing stars and squiggles all over her textbooks while 
daydreaming
in class about shopping trips to Tahrjay or Bloomies.

"Like, I mean, Hogsmeade is sooooo uncool," she simpered to her gang 
of rogue
Hufflepuff girls, while dragging  on her cigarette then rubbing it out 
on the butt of
a stone gargoyle, who shrieked indignantly.


Chapter Eight - The Potions Master
==========================
In which it was learned that Professor Severus Snape was recently 
removed 
as potions master from Hogwarts after several complaints from 
students,
particularly  Neville Longbottom, an emotionally challenged boy. 

"H-he was never ever nice to me and almost boiled Trevor, my toad, who
besides being my pet, is also on the endangered amphibians list," 
Master
Longbottom complained bitterly. "Snape always made fun of me in class.
My parents would sue but their guardians are still in litigation with 
Gringotts Mutual for denying their disability claim, and one law suit 
at
a time is enough to be going on with."

The final straw for Snape came when the amphibian that was actually 
tossed 
into the blibbering potion in Trevor's stead was later proven to be 
Susan 
Bones, who had been missing for several days. Professor Snape escaped, 
presumably to avoid the Dark Lord, but actually to avoid questioning 
by
authorities regarding Miss Bones' disappearance. 

After a lengthly but futile search over several months covering 
several
states, authorities received an anonymous tip from a parsel-mouth  
that
former Professor Snape could be found in Pensacola, Florida working as
the night manager of a  Jamba Juice franchise.


Chapter Nine - The Midnight Time-Out Session
===================================
What? WHAT!! You really thought there would be a duel at Hogwarts???? 
Puh leeeeez! To avoid resorting to such barbarism, the students sat 
around 
a healing circle to iron out their differences. Though this is the 
longest and
most tedious chapter in the book , the reader will be pleased to know 
that all
differences were resolved in a politically correct manner and of 
course no
student was brained or hexed in this chapter.

The highlight of the "duel" was when Draconius Malfoy and Neville
Longbottom rose as one and hugged in the center of the room to the 
polite
applause of all.

"I am pleased to act in so forthright a manner with my new found 
friend Nev.
This is SO much more civilized than wand waving. or bat hexing."
"Yes, Mal, " grinned Mr. Longbottom. "Though Drac's dad was a death 
eater,
oops ... I mean Post Life Masticator, and my parents are resently 
merely 
cabbages due to his actions, I am sure that it is now the proper time 
to let
bygones be bygones so that we all enjoy our newfound companionship."

Hermione Granger was particularly pleased with this new turn of 
events.
"Dey done lottsa good stuff to get deir differences resolved, " she 
said 
between cracking gum. "and dis  meeting is a great excuse not to 
studey
dose dum wizzaard books or go to those dreeeery classes anyhoo. I mean 
like, who NEEDS magic? I'll use my charms and good looks to get by....
".


Chapter Ten - Halloween
===================
Professor Flitwick resigned in protest after attempting to teach his 
class
using the new MoM wand safety requirements. "I mean who ever heard 
of such a thing !" he squeaked. "Swish and cluck!  Swish and cluck!
There were chickens all over the place! Maybe  the Ministry thinks 
that
having all these chickens  flapping around Hogwarts is a GOOD thing - 
but I have had enough!  What good are fluffy souffles  and omelets 
against the
Dark Lord !... oops  I mean the Tragically Misunderstood Wizard With
A Challenged Childhood ?"

Meanwhile, Hermione Grainger was absent from the Halloween feast 
because
she lost track of time (how ironic!) and dallied too long in the 
girl's bathroom
putting on her makeup.

Unfortunately, all that was found of Miss Granger later that evening 
was a
greasy smudge on one of the sinks after the mountain troll rampaging 
through
Hogwarts trapped her in the bathroom and repeatedly whomped her with 
his
big club. With no Harry Potter to save her, and with Ron Weasley 
assigned to 
Ravenclaw where he was studying library science and elf-folk dancing, 
no one
noticed that she was missing. Upon roping off the crime scene, 
authorities
were puzzled by a lone chicken frantically flapping around the girls 
bathroom,
though some  suspect that  it may have been conjured by Miss Granger's 
wand 
in it's feeble attempt to save her.

Meanwhile, on Privet Drive in Surrey, a muggle child went berserk, 
stabbing 15
people. When finally subdued, the rather porky child (oops ... 
gravitationally
challenged child) was found clutching a mysterious sword that had 
belonged to one
"Godric Griffindor".

"Little Dudders was at this party sticking his wand up someone's butt  
wearing
 this silly hat I got on EBay when this shiny sword fell out of it and 
bonked him 
on his head!" the muggle mum sobbed, "my poor little tyke just went 
wiggy
and started slashing and stabbing people! It wasn't his fault! He's a 
good boy! 
There should have been a warning labels on that sword!"

Manwhile, little porky (oh my!  I meant to say   spherically enhanced 
)  Dudders
sat in a corner drooling "Now  I'M the hair of Slytherin! Now I'M the 
hair of
 Slytherin!"
Both mother and child were taken to the local precinct for 
questioning.


Chapter Eleven - Quidditch
======================== 
In which the exciting though recklessly dangerous "broom Quidditch" 
had of 
course been banned and replaced by a safer more acceptable  
hobby-horse
Quidditch. Special stands were erected for all the doctors and 
ambulance chasing 
lawyers anticipating  an accident.  The match was delayed for two 
months to
allow for construction of  wheelchair access needed to obtain OSHA 
approval
of the plans.

To pay for the special construction required, two more circles were 
added  to the
three way above ground level, resulting in a more environmentally 
sound and
aesthetically pleasing design. In a clever marketing move, the 
Ministry 
announced that the first Quidditch Match was  to be sponsored by Audi 
Motors.

But of course, there was much  work yet to be done!  To prevent 
injury, the use
or even the possession of blodgers was banned, and the actual Quaffle 
was
 required to be made from soft rubber from specially grown 
non-endangered 
rubber trees.

After considerable objections by the Safety in Athletics Committee, 
chaired by 
pacifist Ravenclaw student activists Crabbe and Doyle, the beaters 
were
eliminated from the team, but after rabid complaints from the 
Quidditch
Players Union, who threatened to strike if any players were 
eliminated,  
cooler heads prevailed and the two beaters on each team were retained 
as
health inspectors, who could  stop a match for any reason if any 
player, fan,
or creature was deemed endangered. The beaters' titles were changed to 
the
more proper "enablers" to better explain their new more humane roles.

The day of the game began with a special ceremonial reading of the 
rules,
with sufficient time allotted to ascertain that everyone was  
familiarized
with them, that lasted four hours. To leave no doubt as to the 
interpretation
of the rules, they were printed  in English, Gaelic, House-Elfish, 
Braille,
High-Colonic and Troll.

Both teams met in the center of the field to review the rules yet 
again, although said
rules were also printed on the Quaffle in indelible ink along with 
instructions as 
to the proper care cleaning and handling of said quaffle. The game was 
delayed 
just a tad longer  so that the proper forms and waivers of liability 
could be signed 
in triplicate and notarized,  and that all sponsors products be 
properly endorsed
and displayed.

At last the game began in earnest just before sunset , and continued  
well into the
night, though few students had consumed the needed amount of coffee, 
no-doz or
methamphetamines needed to endure the ennui. In addition, no one could 
see what 
the hell was happening on the field since after all the OSHA 
requirements were met,
there was not enough galleons left in the Hogwarts Treasury for 
stadium lights.

Though the actual cheering for an individual team was banned, the fans 
were 
encouraged to engage in refrains of Kumbaya and Michael Row Your Boat 
Ashore,
which served to anesthetize the barely conscious crowd.

When things seemed particularly futile, and it became evident that 
someone might
actually have to WIN this thing,  Neville Longbottom obligingly fell 
off his hobby
horse after he was grazed by a whiffle-snitch and was promptly 
surrounded by suits.
The game was then suspended indefinitely while all involved haggled 
over the fine
points of the rules. Specially trained paramedics were called to 
counsel the team that
was losing    (oops...temporarily computationally deficient though 
well within the
schema of recovery)
Classes were cancelled for the next two days so that everyone could 
have a well
deserved rest or to goof off in general. The spirit of Hermione 
Grainger miraculously 
appeared to celebrate the occasion.


Chapter Twelve - The Boys Who Made Out Like Bandits
========================================== 
In which Hogwarts is finally closed, not because of the evil deeds of
Lord Thingy  (the Tragically Misunderstood Wizard With A Challenged
Childhood , to you), but by  numerous victorious class action lawsuits
brought by Neville  Longbottom and other interested parties. As part 
of
the settlement, the Hogwarts School was later sold to Universal 
Studios,
to reopen  in the near future as a theme park.

In a miraculous turn of events, THE Harry Potter was later found 
wandering
aimlessly banging into walls at King's Cross  Station and talking to a 
fluffy
white owl. When questioned, Mr. Potter  muttered of a "Dark Lord" who 
had
held him prisoner in a big house and fed him lucky charms (the poor 
deluded
boy said memory charms, but what did he know?).  He was helpless and
unable to properly care for himself until such time as he learned his
full legal rights. 

Mr. Potter kept on muttering that we was famous, and was long overdue 
at 
Hogwarts, but after walking repeatedly into a wall between platforms 9 
and 10,
was taken away to St. Mungo's for observation.

In a later development, Neville Longbottom and his best friend and 
brilliant
tral lawyer Draconius Malfoy were seen eating chicken marsala (range 
free
chicken of course) at Spago's where both parties refused all attempts 
to
interview them.

--------------end of the story, or is it just the beginning ???
---------------

Epilogue
================ 
A few months later, long after the Thingy story that everyone was so 
sure would be 
a sure fire marketing success  (that is,  until it was edited and 
politically corrected
to death)  was long forgotten languishing as number 40008 on the 
Amazon Best
Seller List ,  remaindered on a hidden back shelf at Barnes and Noble, 
and left for
compost in the gardening department of K-Mart next to the Martha  
Stewart
artifacts and memorabilia,  and within 25 words of ending this  
incredibly long
run on sentence, and while running some errands one Sunday afternoon, 
I accidentally
discovered a bitter though unbowed Albus  Dumbledore cleverly 
disguised as
a Wal Mart greeter.

I regained my composure in the presence of such a great wizard, and 
after 
sensing my respect and admiration for what he was and could have been, 
he 
begrudgingly agreed to chat, though he was not a happy camper by any 
means.

"I was such a talented wizard and Hogwarts was such a great school" he
complained, "and NOW look at the lot of us! Pathetic, I say!"

His long robes were replaced by the uninspiring Wal Mart Uniform and 
he was
minus his beard due to the strict personnel dress code. Though ol' 
Albus held up
pretty well  through many hundreds of years of wizard wars and 
adventures, he
sadly had aged considerably since he left Hogwarts in disgrace. 
Standing by the
shopping carts in Wal-Mart, he just looked  very ........... old.

"Even Trelawney couldn't predict that it would all end like this!" 
said Albus, 
shaking his head sadly while directing some jerk loudly yammering on 
his 
cel-phone down the Halloween Candy aisle where he was promptly bitten
by Professor Lupin, nattily dressed in what appeared to be  a werewolf 
costume.

"Hundreds of years of education and for what?" he raged, sending two
insufferably whiny little brats down to the gardening section, where 
Professor
Sprout lassoed them with devils snare, ignoring their pitiful cries 
which grew 
fainter by the minute. She turned to Dumbledore and flashed him the 
"thumbs up".

"Lucky to get this job!" he smiled wistfully. "Even after I turned the 
manager
into a  baboon's backside they didn't relent until I threatened them 
with an Age 
Discrimination suit! Hot Damn!" he cackled, "Now THAT got their 
attention! 
I thought I had power at Hogwarts! HA!!! " his voice boomed across the 
store, 
and there was a gleam of triumph in his eyes . He smiled as if nothing 
had changed.

"Maybe I will write my memoirs one day," he mused, pointing out the 
location 
of the pets department to a studio apartment dweller, the type who 
lets their dogs
poop in children's  sandboxes while loudly yammering about animal 
rights. He
watched carefully  as the man smugly turned the corner, at which time 
Aragog
silently  dropped  from the ceiling  onto the man's  back. After short 
struggle
and a few strangled choked-off screams, the man lay twitching,  Aragog 
clicking his mandibles in triumph.

Hagrid peered around the corner and waved his thanks to Dumbledore for
providing such a varied and nutritious diet for his old friend and 
pet.
"Least I can do, Old Chum!" shouted Dumbledore down the aisle.
Fang trotted over, lifted his leg, and peed on the man's motionless 
body.

"Great man, Dumbledore! Great man!" smiled Hagrid. Few knew that 
Dumbledore,
at great risk and peril, let Hagrid hide Aragog and his immediate 
family
 in the ductwork above the pet department after the Forbidden Forest 
was
razed and converted to time shares. 

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. I could see that though bitter, he still 
was 
able to find joy in the simple pleasures of life..

"One thing you can be sure of, though!": he said, waving a finger at 
me. 
"I won't end up all broke and depressed like that poor Rowlings woman, 
listening  to the opinions of all those Politically Correct  Silly 
People
when I write MY book!!"

"What do you mean, sir?" I said. "What people?"
"All those silly critics! " he muttered, starting to become bitter 
again. "All those 
who dismiss JKR as a "children's book writer"!" He wrinkled his long 
nose,
and I almost expected flames to fly out.
"All those who say she can't hardly write at all! They can't even hold 
her 
broomstick I say .... ESPECIALLY  those silly posters on the internet 
with their
silly theories and silly ideas......without a sense of humor or a  
life...They simply
have to  get out more! Chat rooms..... what sheer utter silliness"

I nervously turned my head, quickly locating the nearest exit.  
"Shame was that she actually listened to them, JKR did, .... and now 
look  " He 
stared at the ground sadly. "Poor woman......"
The customer traffic into Wal Mart had temporarily halted. Dumbledore 
looked at
me clearly for the first time. and his eyes slowly squinted. 
Legilimens? I thought at first, but that was in the book that was 
never written! 
He was now looking at me very carefully, trying to read my thoughts. 
Lucky for 
me I don't have very many.
"You haven't seen that ... that Samnanya nitwit around ....  have you?
" 
I avoided his eyes.  "W-who?"
"This poster who can be rude and opinionated... no different than the 
rest of 'em
and he thinks he knows EVERYTHING and can figure it all out........." 
He smiled malevolently. "well ..... does he?"
I turned for the door. Without my having noticed it before, Professor 
Lupin
had positioned himself at the exit.... standing there smiling with a 
bag of 
mars bars in his hands. I noticed that he had big pointy teeth. 
I smiled stupidly and shrugged. Lupin shook the bag and grinned.
"Still think I killed Sirius?" he said conversationally,  ripping the 
bag of mars bars 
with several of his very sharp fingernails. 
"Uhhh..." I turned to Dumbledore, who was glancing over my shoulder. 
"Looks like you will be someones just desert ..." he smiled. "He can't 
WAIT to 
wolf you down, so to speak....."
I heard the mars bar bag shredding behind me.
I wondered where Luna Lovegood was, but realized sadly that she would 
never
ever be written in this version of the Potterverse, and she would 
never get
the chance to work with Harry against ......
Lupin tossed the confettied shreds of the bag aside and advanced 
towards me. 
I thought of performing the immensely complex Homorphus Charm on Lupin 
like Gilderoy Lockhart did to the Wagga Wagga  werewolf but who the 
hell
was I kidding? I'm not even sure that that fool could do it, like he 
did in the book.
Well, at least I stay up late at nights and could howl with the best 
of them.
I awaited my fate. 
But then Lupin stopped.
"Aahhhh, but wait !" said Dumbledore. "Maybe you are in luck, after 
all!"
He was rising on his toes and staring over my shoulder.
"Minerva!" he shouted, waving both arms way over his head. "Over here!
"
I turned to see Professor McGonagall striding into Wal-Mart. Somehow 
that
just  didn't seem right --- she was so Lord and Taylor, but I kept my 
big mouth
shut for a change.
"Albus!" she beamed. " I have found one! Hadn't been mentioned until 
Book
Three but clearly this is a matter that I daresay just cannot wait!"
She held this little gold thingy between two fingers. It was a time 
turner.
Dumbledore stared at me. "Any objections ?"
The time turner glinted in the flourescent lights.
" That's funny...." Dumbledore said, knowing that there was nothing 
funny at all. 
"Seems to me that  there were lots and LOTS  of readers who had 
problems with
the time turner concept when it was first introduced.  Especially 
those self 
righteous web posters  - " he spat the last word out like he just bit 
into a 
Bertie Botts camel vomit flavored jelly bean -"on that silly website 
who
screeched like banshees when it was first used.  Cheap trick! They 
cried.
Bet none of THEM ever wrote a story before."
He took the time turner from McGonagall and held it gently in his 
palm,
checking to see that it  could still turn.
"We are going to go back and set Ms. Rowling's book right.... aren't 
we?"
Lupin and Hagrid and Sprout and Fang and Aragog and ..... the whole
damned world - all  seemed to be closing in in around me...... 
"W-we?"
"Well, YOU think you are a writer ...... yeah, WE....." 
I cringed.
"Hell, " he sneered. "You don't even have a life anyway......"
"I do ..... kind of..... I mean I have a family and ...."
"You should have thought of that before .............."
Dumbledore raised time turner, and with a swish and flick of his index 
finger, 
he conjured a thin necklace that enveloped everyone in the circle, 
including me.
Remus Lupin had his arm around my shoulder. His fur itched.  Everyone 
was
smiling, except for me. 
"Thank you, Minerva."
"My pleasure Albus. Though as you remember, the time turner would not 
even
have been here if not for .... for ......Miss Granger."
Dumbledore nodded - I saw a tear trickle down his face, but there was 
no beard
for it to fall into, so it dropped on the floor with a gentle plop. 
The small inert 
critter it happened to splash on, stirred, rolled over,  looked 
around, and darted out
the front door into the parking lot. I noticed that it was missing a 
digit on its right 
front paw. Was that a clue? 
I shook my head until it cleared.

"The end, " said Dumbledore, looking around at us all, of another 
silly story."
It was getting late, and there wasn't much to feast on in Wal-Mart.
"Before we go, I must first acknowledge the demise of a very fine 
person,
who should be here, and most assuredly will be after we set things 
right in 
the Potterverse." 
He kicked me in the ankle. I stood up straight.
"I would like us all to raise our glasses  to Hermione Granger."
"But if I do that I cant see anything!" I protested.
"Shut up, you fool!" hissed McGonagall. "Where you are going you won't 
NEED
your stupid glasses!"
Dumbledore cleared his throat and continued,"Remember Miss Granger" 
I raised my glasses. As expected, I couldn't see a damned thing.
"Everybody ready? Time to set the record straight and give Ms. 
Rowlings her
 just reward, I say!"
I was speechless --- I always wanted to be a writer - it was my dream 
---
and  yet.....
"Ready?" Dumbledore asked me.
I nodded.
He smiled and said, totally out of character."Yeah.. right... YOU 
WISH!"
He spun the time turner and the world blurred even more, and I nearly 
fainted.

When the air finally cleared, I was standing before a huge display of 
Harry Potter
fiction  -  the REAL thing - just as JKR intended without any outside 
interference
Her own brave vision, without the silly ideas and blibberings of 
others who thought
that THEY......... WE ........... I ............knew everything.... 
when in reality,
we could not hold her broomstick.
I reached out and grabbed a copy, flipping through the pages. It was 
all there 
exactly as it should be. Every word. Every idea. I never felt better.

Suddenly I heard a commotion and looked up. A large white owl darted 
overhead, 
swerved in front of me, and dropped a red envelope onto the book  I 
was holding. 
I stared at the letter for a second and realized that it was one of 
those dreaded
howlers that JKR wrote about. I looked around.
The store was full of people, especially little kids, several who 
stared at me, smirking 
and giggling, knowing what was to come. 
I opened the envelope. I mean, what else COULD I do if it was a 
howler?

"IF YOU'RE SO BLEEPIN' SMART, WRITE YOUR OWN FRIGGIN' BOOK 
AND DON'T CRITICISE OR MOUTH OFF WITH YOUR HIDDEN OPINIONS 
OR PROBLEMS OR AGENDAS OR ATTITUDES TO THOSE OF US WHO HAD
THE COURAGE AND TOOK THE RISKS AND MADE THE SACRIFICES TO
WRITE OUR OWN BOOKS AND GET THEM PUBLISHED!!!"


The howler blew me the raspberry and burst into flames. A little girl 
giggled and ran down the
aisle to tell her mother who said that she didn't hear anything. 
Really now.......

The owl sat atop the display, his leg stretched out waiting for a tip. 
I gave him a knut and we
both went on our separate ways whistling. Well I did anyway. Owls 
don't whistle. Gonna need an
editor.......