WARPS- Parody from Liar, Liar

[wormtails_a_water_goblet]

As my first contribution to the list, I would like to share this 
WARPS with everyone.  It centers around Ron and, while he is one of 
my favorite characters (just ask my sister--Hi Katie!), I just 
couldn't resist.

EXT. HOGWART'S GROUNDS - MORNING
HERMIONE and GINNY are on their way to Hagrid's Hut for a visit.
GINNY: Is RON meeting us down here?
HERMIONE: No, I'm sorry, GINNY, He can't make it. 
GINNY is disappointed.
GINNY: I guess my wish didn't come true. 
HERMIONE: What wish?
GINNY: I wished that, for just one day, RON couldn't tell a lie.
GINNY heads toward Hagrid's Hut. Hermione is deeply moved.
INT. GRYFFIDOR COMMON ROOM
Ron sticks his head into the fireplace.
RON: Answer, answer, answer...
INTERCUT WITH HAGRID'S FIREPLACE
HERMIONE: Hello Ron.
RON: Hermione and Ginny, let me explain. Something has happened to me-
HERMIONE: Ron, something else is about to happen to you.
RON: What do you mean?
HERMIONE: Viktor and I are moving to Bulgaria.
RON: What?!
HERMIONE: Victor asked me to marry him.  He wants me to fly with
him this weekend to tell his parents. And I'm going to go.  I 
obviously don't have any reason to stay here.
RON: (panicking) Wait, you can't move! If you go away... I'll 
practically never see you.
HERMIONE: Well then you'll have pretty much the same relationship we  
have now.
RON: Hermione, please.... Is this because of what I said before the 
Yule Ball?
HERMIONE: That was the straw and this is the hippogriff's back saying
Goodbye.
RON: Where are you going?
HERMIONE: Heading to Hogsmeade.
RON: When you get there, go to the Three Broomsticks and stay there. 
I'll be right over. We have to talk.
HERMIONE: Ron--
RON: I'll be right- there!
He pulls his head out and heads for the portrait hole. It opens and 
FLEUR
is standing there.
RON: (CONT'D) Aaaah!
FLEUR: Ron. Ron, Ron, Ron. I must confess-- after last night's 
incident, I
was. . . hurt. So hurt. I was tempted to do whatever little things 
lie in my power to scuttle your chances of making prefect.
Ron is FRIGHTENED.
FLEUR (CONT'D): But then I thought, "No, that's not fair. Ron didn't 
mean to insult me." (Straightening his robes) "It was just some 
massive, boneheaded misunderstanding, and Ron is very, very sorry." 
Ron smiles. It looks like he's off the hook, until--
FLEUR (CONT'D): Isn't that right, Ron?
RON:  (in agony) Uh -- not really, no.
FLEUR: (stunned, angry) No? No?! What are you saying? Have you no 
respect for me?!
RON: None, whatsoever. I mean, I'd like to respect you, and if it 
weren't for your mistreatment of the champions, your rudeness to the 
students, and the
fact that your work sucks, I would.
FLEUR: But -- what about last night?
RON: I was afraid you wouldn't support my prefect-ship if I turned 
you down. Plus, I have an immature need for sexual conquests.
INT. HALLWAY OF HOGWART'S - MORNING
We HEAR A SMACK!  -- And a furious Fleur stalks off.  Ron rubs his 
freshly SLAPPED FACE.
INT. HOGWARTS
Ron speeds down the hallway. He pulls the blue quill from his pocket.
RON: Gotta focus. . . gotta focus.
He's so preoccupied that he speeds past and hits MALFOY.
RON: The color of the quill is -- red! 
But he hasn't regained the ability to lie -- he's referring to the 
RED liquid he just ran through, nearly colliding with a 6th year 
student from Slytherin. The 6th year screams

6TH YEAR: What's your problem, schmuck?!
RON: (the truth) I' m an inconsiderate pr**k!
Ron hexes the student and once again focuses on the blue quill.
RON (CONT'D): C'mon, you can do this! The color of the quill is -- 
RED!
This time he's referring to the red eyes of SNAPE ahead of him in the 
hallway.
RON: S**t!!
Ron stops.  SNAPE strolls up.
SNAPE: Do you know why I stopped you?
RON: Depends on how long you were watching me.
SNAPE: Why don't we take it from the top.
RON: (in agony) Here goes -- I went into the forbidden third floor 
corridor to find the sorcerer's stone, I stole my father's Ford 
Anglia, I crashed into the whomping willow, I cursed Malfoy (even 
though I spat up slugs), I went into the forbidden forest to find a 
huge spider, I caused Lockhart to lose his memory (even though it was 
his fault), I went to the Shrieking Shack with Sirius Black (well, 
was dragged there), I copied my Divination Homework, I tried to think 
of a way to get my name into the goblet of fire, I gave Dobby clothes 
for Christmas, I pissed off Hermione, I messed around with Fleur 
Delacour, and I ran away  from my disgruntled lover while sliding 
through a red potion and hexing a Slytherin.
A long moment passes.
SNAPE: May I see your wand?
RON: No.
SNAPE: And why is that?
RON: It's in my other pants.
SNAPE: I see. And where are your other pants?
RON: Hanging from the Beauxbaton carriage.
SNAPE: Do you expect me to believe that?
RON: No.
SNAPE: Do you think I'm an idiot?
RON: Yes -- but that's beside the point! My wand actually is in my 
other pants, and they actually were hanging from the Beauxbaton 
carriage.
I wouldn't lie to you! I mean, I would if I could, but I can't!
SNAPE: I see. So you have no reason to try and hide your wand from me?
RON: I didn't say that. I have other reasons to not empty my pockets. 
Seventeen reasons, to be precise. (Begrudgingly) Copies of Harry's 
articles in the Daily Prophet. (Beseechingly) Be gentle.