WARP - Back to the Future III

[Iggy McSnurd]

Iggy here:

Here's one I actually thought would be amusing to do while I was looking
through a script site for inspiration.  I'm a fan of the Back to the
Future series, and especially the third one since I know the area where
most of it was filmed.  (My dad lives near the site where they shot the
old Hogsmeade from the wild west.)  Since I needed a name for one of the
Malfoy ancestors, I chose Edmund as a nod to the Blackadder series.
(Aberforth isn't in his regular time here, but you never know, it could
be a family name. *grin*)

Hope y'all enjoy this one.

Iggy McSnurd



BACK TO THE FUTURE PART 3
Screenplay by Robert Zemeckis & Bob Gale 
(WARPed by Iggy McSnurd)


Hogsmeade train station. Harry walks onto the platform, through the
building and down the street. He passes "Honest Joe Statler - Fine
Horses" which is on the future site of Statler Carriages in 1995. He
also passes a butcher and a bathhouse where 2 MEN are talking.

Man 1: Give me some soap, Frank.

Frank: Here you go.

Harry continues down the street. He walks underneath a banner -
"Hogsmeade Festival September 5th, 1895" - and as an "A Jones" manure
wagon drives past, Harry catches sight of the Hogsmeade Courthouse -
under construction!

Horse Driver: Hiyah!

Harry narrowly escapes being hit by a horse and carriage - stepping in
horse "whoopsies" as he does so. Harry stares at his boots, before
spotting the Palace Saloon on the future site of the Dripping Ladle
(1925), the Hog's Head (1995) and the Cafe Crookshanks (2015). Harry
goes inside. The bartender, ABERFORTH, is at the counter wiping a glass.
Three OLD TIMERS are sitting at a table (they are played by 3
Shakespeare film veterans!). They all see Harry and notice his outfit.

Old Timer 1: Take a look at what just breezed in the door.

Old Timer 2: Why, I didn't know the circus was in town!

Old Timer 3: Looks like he got that robe off a dead Druid.

They laugh. Harry walks up to Aberforth.

Aberforth: What'll it be, stranger?

Harry: Uh...I'll have...uh...ice water.

Old Timer 1: Ice water? 

They all laugh again.

Aberforth: Water? You want water, you better go dunk your head in the
horse trough back there. In here, we pour firewhiskey.
 
He pours Harry a small glass. Harry just stares at it.

Harry: Excuse me. I'm trying to find a blacksmith.

Edmund: (v.o) Hey Potter... thought I done told you never to come in... 

As Harry turns around to see who said his name, he sees a mean looking
wizard with a gang of 3 others at the door to the tavern. He doesn't
know it yet but is' LUCIUS'S great grandfather from the "Lucius Malfoy
Museum" picture in 1995-A - EDMUND "MAD DOG" MALFOY!

Edmund: Hey, you ain't Seamus Potter. You look like him though.
'Specially with that dawg ugly hat. 

The gang laugh and Harry rolls his eyes before taking it off.

Edmund: You kin to that hay barber? What's your name, dude? 

Harry: Uh...Harry...

Just before he says "Potter", he remembers the name he told Seamus and
Maggie.

Harry: Bond. James Bond.

Edmund: What kind of stupid name is that? 
 
Bandit 1: I'd say he's the runt of the litter.

Bandit 2 walks over to Harry and looks at Harry's teeth.

Bandit 2: Take a look, see these pearly whites! I ain't seen teeth that
straight weren't store bought.

Bandit 3: Take a look at them boots. What kind of skins is them? What's
that writing mean? (reading the "Nike" on Harry's trainers)
Neekay...what is that, some sort of Celtic talk or something? 

Aberforth begins pouring out firewhiskey for Edmund, but with a little
help from his wand Edmund stops him.

Edmund: Bartender, I'm looking for that no good cheating blacksmith. You
seen him?

Aberforth: (scared) No, sir, Mr Malfoy, I have not.

Harry realises who Edmund is now.

Harry: (to himself) Malfoy. (to Edmund) You're Mad Dog Malfoy. 

Edmund: Mad Dog? 

Aberforth, the Old Timers and everyone else in the saloon hides, except
Harry who doesn't know what's going on. 

Edmund: I hate that name. I hate it, you hear? Nobody calls me Mad Dog!
'Specially not some, duded-up, egg sucking, guttertrash. 

Edmund shoots a flare at Harry's feet. Harry manages to jump out of the
way in time.

Harry: Argh!

Edmund: Dance! 

He fires at Harry again.
 
Edmund: Come on! 

He fires at Harry again, whilst the Bandits laugh hysterically. 

Edmund: Come on, runt, you can dance better than that!

So Harry does. He dances - the Moonwalk.

Harry: Uh... uh... Billy Jean is not my lover - whoo!

Harry jumps onto the end of a wooden plank. On the other end are barrels
- and they fly through the air, landing on Edmund! Very angry, Edmund
pulls out his wand again and shoots Harry - but luckily for Harry,
Edmund is too angry to concentrate! Harry tries to get out, tripping by
the Old Timer's table.

Old Timer 1: You better run, squirrel!

Edmund: Y'all get him!!!

Harry climbs over tables and chairs and gets past Edmund by swinging
over the chandelier. Once back on the ground, he runs out, chased by
Edmund and his gang, who get on their horses.

Harry: Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah!

Edmund and his gang quickly catch up with Harry. Edmund lassoes a rope
over Harry's neck, dragging him to the Courthouse. Harry knocks into
some of the panels on the unfinished building.

Harry: Argh!

The gang fire flare shots into the air and laugh. Edmund starts to
"hang" Harry.

Edmund: We got ourselves a new courthouse...high time we had a hanging!

Harry: Oh, oh God! 

The noose is tightened. Harry puts his hand between his neck and the
noose so he won't suffocate. Edmund and his gang are laughing loudly.
Neither they - nor Harry - see a tall man with a long cloak approach
them.

Edmund: Haven't had a hanging in a long time!

The man gets out a wand. From the hair, we can see it is - PROFESSOR
DUMBLEDORE! Dumbledore fires a wand at the rope, and Harry, saved, falls
to the ground. Edmund and his gang turn to Dumbledore. He's now aiming
his wand at them!

Dumbledore: It'll shoot the fleas off a dogs back at 500 yards, Malfoy,
and its pointed straight at your head!!

Edmund slowly rides over to Dumbledore.

Edmund: You owe me money, blacksmith.

Dumbledore: How do ya figure?

Edmund: My horse threw his shoe. Seeing' you was the one who done the
shoeing, I figures you was responsible.

Dumbledore: Well since you never paid me for the job, I say that makes
us even!

Edmund: Wrong! See I was on my horse when he threw his shoe and I got
throwed off. And that just caused me to bust a perfectly good bottle of
fine Irish Whiskey. So the way I figure, blacksmith, you owe me $5 for
the whiskey, and $75 for the horse.

Harry realises this adds up to $80 - the amount of money Dumbledore was
killed for!

Harry: (to himself, hoarsely) That's eighty dollars!

Dumbledore: Look, if your horse threw his shoe, bring him back and I'll
re-shoe him!

Edmund: But I killed that horse!

Dumbledore: Well that's your problem, Malfoy!

Edmund: Wrong. That's yours. So from now on, you better be looking
behind you when you walk. 'Cause one day you gonna get an Avada Kedavra
in your back. (to his gang) Let's go!

They leave. Harry and Dumbledore are now alone.

Harry: Dumbledore...

Dumbledore: Harry! I gave you explicit instructions not to come here but
to go back directly to 1995.

Harry: I know Dumbledore, but I had to co-

Dumbledore: But it's good to see you, Harry.

They hug.

Dumbledore: Harry, you're gonna have to do something about those
clothes. You walk around town dressed like that and you're liable to get
shot.

Harry makes a gesture around his neck.

Harry: Or hanged.

Dumbledore: What idiot dressed you in that outfit?

Harry claps his hand on Dumbledore's shoulder and smiles.

Harry: You did.