Of Evil Overlords and Heroes on Hopeless Quests....

[bugeyedmonster2]

Fans of B-movies should love this list... oh, and you can find the
Evil Overlord Website at... http://www.eviloverlord.com/

And I'm posting this in hopes of stirring up lots of plot bunnies!

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If I Ever Go On A Hopeless Quest Against The EVIL
Overlord...

Okay, by now we all know the things not to do if we ever become the
Evil Overlord. But what about the other side? Those who venture to
overthrow the Evil Overlord a/so appear to be in need of some sensible
advice... by Walt Freitag

1) I will not enter the Evil Overlord's stronghold disguised as a
guard or henchman, unless I "intend" to be discovered and captured at
the worst possible time.

2) If I absolutely must disguise myself as one of the Evil Overlord's
guards or henchmen, I will not dispose of the real guard or henchman
by knocking him unconscious and tying him to a towel rack - I will
kill him.

3) When my intrepid party reaches the scenic over-look point where
the vast array of the enemy's evil yet fascinating military-
industrial facilities is spread out in an awesome tableau below us,
we will not all crouch down and stare at it. We'll assume that the
enemy's border guards also enjoy the view from that vantage point,
and get our buns out of there pronto.

4) I will not trust the closest friend and comrade-in-arms of my
heroically deceased father.

5) I will not trust my heroically deceased father. The chances of his
being really heroic and really deceased and really my father are
remote.

6) Before embarking on the quest, I will suggest to the Council of
Ancient and All Knowing Yet Oddly Powerless Beings that instead of
hiking hundreds of leagues on foot into the Dark Land and being
airlifted out by the Great Wind Lords, we do it the other way around.

7) As soon as the Evil Overlord's threat becomes apparent I will hunt
down and kill the bully who tormented me as a child, before he has a
chance to either (a) become the Evil Overlord's trusted lieutenant or
(b) gain my trust, join my cause, and then betray me.

8) I will not make wisecracks to my torturers. They're just trying to
do their job, and I'm secure enough in my heroism not to have to
prove it by withstanding the extra-severe torture they reserve for
those who piss them off.

9) If any of my compatriots begins to tell me about his loved ones
back home, or his plans for an idyllic future career, I will slap him
until he shuts up. This may not save his life, but what kind of hero
would I be if I didn't at least try?

10) If the evil minions are attempting to kidnap my girlfriend, I
will not send her into hiding with her kindly old grandfather in his
remote mountain cabin. I'll send her into hiding in an apartment in
Brooklyn.

11) If my dead mentor appears as a glowing apparition and tells me
what to do, I won't argue with him.

12) If my sidekick, who I last saw being dragged away by Legions of
Terror, rejoins me unexpectedly, seeming perfectly unscathed except
for a slight halt in his speech and a glassy-eyed look, I will not
congratulate him on his lucky escape. I will lie about which
direction I intend to proceed, then tell him to stay here and cut off
pursuit.

13) After escaping in any vehicle that's been parked in the Evil
Overlord's territory for more than ten minutes, I will not proceed to
my allies' secret sanctuary until I've changed vehicles, or found and
disabled the homing device.

14) After obtaining a glowing jeweled rune-inscribed dagger from an
ancient tomb that the ghost of the greatest wizard of the previous
age led me to in a vision, I will not wait until all my other weapons
have failed, and half my colleagues have been devoured, before trying
it out against the fearsome monster's seemingly-invulnerable hide.

15) After I journey across the Desert of Despair, past
the River of Blood, and through the Forest of Darkness to seek the
counsel of the Ancient Ones, I will occasionally listen to their
counsel.

16) Should I succeed in my quest, I will not agree to become High
King over any kingdom rude enough to throw me a surprise coronation.

17) Should I succeed in my quest, I will not jeopardize my newly
established heroic image. I will not engage in celebratory sex with
the heroine without first making sure we are not under surveillance.
Also, my comrades and I will not, under any circumstances whatsoever,
pose in a row and applaud ourselves.

18) When the Evil Overlord says, "Surely you don't want to be
responsible for any more innocent lives?" I will not reluctantly drop
the Sword Of Fate to the floor. Instead, I will point out that I'm
not the one slowly lowering the adorable elf child into the pit of
boiling lava, He is. If he presses the issue, I'll further assert
that he was lowering elf children into boiling lava long before I
arrived and, should my quest to destroy him fail, would continue
doing so long after I'm gone, so I'd rather keep the Sword Of Fate
for myself, thank you very much.

19) Comical yet sinister, pathetic yet greedy, cowardly yet cunning
individuals will not be permitted to join or assist the quest.
Although they always redeem themselves in the end, their acts of
redemption are rarely worth the three or four betrayals they require
to work themselves up to it,

20) If my girlfriend is in clear imminent danger of becoming the next
designated Sacrificial Virgin, I'd at least suggest the obvious
solution, even if it gets me slapped.

21) I will consider darkness, mist, dense forest, eerie rock
formations, labyrinthine corridors, and subtle signs of stealthy
pursuit by unseen foes to be good reason to avoid splitting my
questing party up, rather than as golden opportunities to do so.

22) When my sidekick and I back away from each other with weapons
drawn, heading in opposite directions around a pillar, we will
anticipate the inevitability, of meeting again on the far side of the
pillar.

23) If my most powerful weapons operate only when I'm in a
particularly confident self-assured frame of mind, then before
venturing one step into the Evil Overlord's Domain, I will see a
competent psychiatrist to resolve any feelings of guilt, self-doubt,
inadequacy, traumatic stress, or other miscellaneous angst I might be
afflicted with. If that's not feasible, I will pop Prozac like it was
candy.

24) I will maintain a realistic idea of the capabilities of each
member of my quest. Individuals whose main benefit to the effort is
comic relief will not be assigned to guard objects whose loss or
theft could mean the end of the world. On the other hand, individuals
with tactically invaluable skills, such as the ability to sense the
approach of enemies or override the automatic systems of an enemy
installation, will not be treated as comic relief no matter how cute
they are.

25) When I trick the humbling henchmen into stealing the box that
once contained the Artifact of Power after I've removed the artifact
from it, I will not put a cute little note reading "Fooled ya!"
inside. This is rude. A kilo of C-4 and a detonator is more
appropriate to the occasion.

26) I will never accept a magical power token from a mentor without
inquiring, "Does this really do any-thing, or is it just a
psychological ploy to get me to release the mysterious power I have
within myself. Let's sort this out now, so I won't have to do it
sometime when there's only five seconds left to save the day"

27) Unless my name is Jackie Chan, after disabling three attackers,
one wielding a pistol, one a machine gun, and one a stick, I will not
pick up the stick.

28) Should my strategic brilliance impress the Evil Overlord to the
point where he offers to make me his commander-in-chief and heir, ill
but join his cause, I will agree immediately. Neither of us may be
sincere, but it's easier to get to the self-destruct button from the
Command Center than from the Execution Chamber.

29) If I succeed in reaching my girlfriend during a rescue mission
deep in the Evil Overlord's stronghold, we will not linger to kiss,
sob in relief or quiz one another about how we got there or why we're
wearing such strange clothing. We will depart immediately.

30) If the Evil Overlord's beautiful but evil consort or daughter
attempts to seduce me in the dungeon or torture chamber, I will not
respond by informing her what sort of unpleasant animal I'd rather
touch than her. My mission is too important to waste such a valuable
tactical opportunity on petty self-indulgence.

31) When I crawl out of my cell through the large air duct that opens
into it, I will not make it easy for the guards to figure out how I
escaped by carelessly leaving the flimsy cover open behind me.
Replacing the cover will delay pursuit, and will also avoid ruining
things for future prisoners who may want to escape just as much as I
do.

32) Shooting the Evil Overlord in the back would not make me just as
evil as he is.

33) Obtaining vital information by torturing the Evil Overlord's
captured henchman would not make me just as evil as he is.

34) Letting the Evil Overlord fall to his death would not make me
just as evil as he is.

Things I'll never say

"Nothing can go wrong now."
"What else could possibly go wrong?"
"Things couldnt possibly get any worse."
"Come on, guys, we're home free!"
"Of course it's a trap, hut what choice have we got?"
"Scooby, stop sniffing around that peculiar stone idol and help us
find a way out of here."