Of Evil Overlords and Heroes on Hopeless Quests....

[Catlady (Rita Prince Winston)]

--- In HPFGU-OTChatter at yahoogroups.com, "bugeyedmonster2"
<bugeyedmonster2 at ...> wrote:
>
> If I Ever Go On A Hopeless Quest Against The EVIL Overlord...

> 3) When my intrepid party reaches the scenic over-look point where
> the vast array of the enemy's evil yet fascinating military-
> industrial facilities is spread out in an awesome tableau below us,
> we will not all crouch down and stare at it. We'll assume that the
> enemy's border guards also enjoy the view from that vantage point,
> and get our buns out of there pronto.

But the movie director will insert that scene anyway, because it looks
so good (to the audience) on the big screen.

> 4) I will not trust the closest friend and comrade-in-arms of my
> heroically deceased father.

Sirius Black?
> 
> 10) If the evil minions are attempting to kidnap my girlfriend, I
> will not send her into hiding with her kindly old grandfather in his
> remote mountain cabin. I'll send her into hiding in an apartment in
> Brooklyn.

What if she can't get a visa to enter USA?

> 17) Should I succeed in my quest, I will not jeopardize my newly
> established heroic image. I will not engage in celebratory sex with
> the heroine without first making sure we are not under surveillance.

Unless it's heroic sex...

> Also, my comrades and I will not, under any circumstances 
> whatsoever, pose in a row and applaud ourselves.

Not even for the cover of PEOPLE magazine? I gather that naive heroes,
inexperienced in the ways of public relations and marketing, often
find this stuff being done to them without much comprehension of how
did it happen.

> 29) If I succeed in reaching my girlfriend during a rescue mission
> deep in the Evil Overlord's stronghold, we will not linger to kiss,
> sob in relief or quiz one another about how we got there or why 
> we're wearing such strange clothing. We will depart immediately.

The rescuer can't enforce that decision unilaterally.

> 30) If the Evil Overlord's beautiful but evil consort or daughter
> attempts to seduce me in the dungeon or torture chamber, I will not
> respond by informing her what sort of unpleasant animal I'd rather
> touch than her. My mission is too important to waste such a valuable
> tactical opportunity on petty self-indulgence.

Write the story so the hero can't resist such a physically desirable
bit of ... did the list say "crumpet"? ... or thinks he can win her
over to assist him, and it turns out she is loyal to the father or
husband who sent her to get the hero into a position where he can be
killed because he isn't wearing his magic armor, or he can be manacled
and tortured because he can't put his hand on his undefeatable
switchblade fast enough.
 
> 33) Obtaining vital information by torturing the Evil Overlord's
> captured henchman would not make me just as evil as he is.

But it would discourage other EO henchmen from selling out to you.