A Memo From Chris Columbus

[heidi tandy]

No: HPFGUIDX 42

WARNING - THIS IS SATIRE!

Hogwarts McNuggets?
A leaked e-mail from director Chris Columbus reveals his 
controversial plans for the Harry Potter movie.
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By James Hibberd

Aug. 24, 2000 | FROM: Chris Columbus, Director 
TO: Dan Fellman, President, Warner Bros. Pictures 
RE: HPSS 

Dan, 

Can you believe it? I'm getting bashed all over the Internet and we 
haven't even started filming yet. I swear, if J.K. Rowling starts 
whining to the press, it could be worse than Anne Rice 
trashing "Interview" after Cruise was cast -- journalists love 
that "jilted writer vs. Hollywood" angle. If anybody asks, I guess 
I'll just have to use the usual mantra: "Film is a different medium, 
so changes needed to be made, but we're being true to the spirit of 
the book." 

Anyway, here's the pre-production update: 

Cast: Just got off the phone with Robin Williams and he's definitely 
on board, even for a supporting role. If I had my way, of course, 
he'd be Potter. (Williams could easily play a kid -- ever 
see "Jack"?) But noooo, Rowling insisted the lead go to an actual 
young Brit. (Hey, it's called acting.) So for Williams, here's what 
I'm thinking: Potter's professors at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft 
and Wizardry are supposedly stern and dull. But what if one professor 
is a zany, break-all-the-rules eccentric who mangles magic spells and 
does celebrity impressions? 

Soundtrack: Still need a rousing power anthem for the Quidditch 
matches. Unfortunately, Smash Mouth have already sold "All Star" for 
use in, well, just about everything. (Then again, oversaturation 
didn't stop us from using "Dude Looks Like a Lady" in "Mrs. 
Doubtfire," right?) We're looking for something hip and kid-friendly. 
Sexy, but not too sexy. Maybe the Spice Girls, they're British -- are 
they still around? Hmm, better call John Hughes for soundtrack tips. 

Product placements: In Rowling's books (sorry, haven't read them yet, 
but don't worry, my assistant took great notes), Potter eats bacon 
sandwiches, smoked sausages and steamed ham. I figure since the books 
are practically advertisements for the Other White Meat, we could 
easily justify a lucrative product-placement deal. Do they have Jimmy 
Dean in the U.K.? What am I thinking -- who cares? Let's get Jimmy on 
the phone! 

And speaking of phones, instead of Potter sending messages by owl, 
let's have him use an Ericsson cellphone. Sure, it's less than 
magical. But the placement cash can offset our effects budget, and 
then I can show audiences some real movie magic. Don't worry, by the 
time I'm done with the rewrite, cellphones will be organic to the 
story. 

Script: Still need to delete more limey words. I mean, what the 
hell's a "prefect"? At first I thought it was a typo for "perfect." 
If anything in a script makes me reach for a dictionary or 
encyclopedia, it's gone. 

Cameos: Now I know this is a bit loopy, but the v. just kicked in 
and, frankly, it usually results in my best adaptation ideas (ever 
see "Bicentennial Man"?). So follow me here: Hogwarts is a school for 
witches and wizards. Therefore we need to cast ... Melissa Joan Hart! 
That's right, Sabrina the Teenage Witch meets Harry Potter, boy 
wizard! She doesn't necessarily need to play the same character, but 
her very presence will give the Internet fan boys a thrill. It's 
instant cinematic depth -- just add an ironically cast cameo. 

Wait, almost forgot -- ABC is your competition. So maybe somebody 
from the WB instead? Buffy perhaps? In fact, while we're at it, why 
not make her a full-fledged love interest? From where I'm standing, 
one of the big flaws in the dead-tree version of "Sorcerer's Stone" 
is that the kid seems totally uninterested in girls. I realize Potter 
is only 11 or something, but the couple can at least hold hands, or 
maybe she can kiss his cheek. Even better: Have her kiss his 
lightning-shaped forehead scar, making his ugly shame a thing of 
beauty. I can already visualize the amber hues ... 

Marketing tie-ins: Our cooperative crossovers will make "The Phantom 
Menace" look like "Yentl." For the kids meal, we should definitely 
sign McDonald's. (Hmm, do they sell any pork products? Maybe they can 
create something special, like pork-based "Hogwarts McNuggets"?) I 
think we should also push Harry Potter educational items for use in 
public schools -- "Harry Potter's Spells for Spelling," that sort of 
thing. 

Controversy: Been considering your worries re: protests. You're 
right, the last thing we need is uptight Falwell followers picketing 
cineplexes. So I've come up with a couple of script adds, nothing 
major, just some subtle fix-its. First, let's have Potter wear a 
crucifix throughout the film. Also, just before he confronts the evil 
Voldemort, let's have him say a tearful prayer asking for help and 
guidance. (I know it sounds cheesy, but when Culkin took refuge in 
his local church in "Home Alone," our preview scores shot through the 
roof!) As previously discussed, I'll balance all the sorcery talk by 
maintaining a lighthearted look-feel. 

Bottom line: As the kids say, "It's all good!" If every Potter fan 
sees "Sorcerer's Stone" just once, we're in the black. The only thing 
I need from you is a minor expansion of the CGI effects budget. It 
goes without saying that eye-catching digital effects are essential 
to success. Remember: Moviemaking is just like parenting -- when in 
doubt, you distract, distract, distract. 

Thanks, 

Chris 

P.S. Any news on obtaining the rights to "The Lion, the Witch and the 
Wardrobe"? I'm thinking James Earl Jones as the voice of Aslan and 
Britney Spears as Lucy.