HP Plot Synopsis (song)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 6942

The following song is more or less sung to the tune of The 
Presidents' Song from the Animaniacs (episode 75), which in turn is 
more or less sung to the final section of Rossini's William Tell 
Overture (i.e., the Lone Ranger part).   It can be heard on the 
second of their Sing-Along videos (both of which are recommended 
without reservation as among the pinnacles of recent animation and 
song-writing). I apologize for choosing so obscure a song, but as Mr. 
Ollivander once observed, it is the wand that chooses the wizard, not 
vice versa. 

The synopsis consists of, in addition to an introduction and 
epilogue, six quatrains on each book. 

[Introduction] 

Heigh-ho! Here we go!
What follows is a summary 
Of the books we spent last summer re-
Reading, 
And then speeding through 
For another quick HP review
.. 

[Book One] 

Voldy crashes his hard drive
And the infant Harry, quite alive, 
Gets dropped off on Privet Drive,
Ten years later those letters arrive
..

Harry Potter, feeling no smarter,
Goes to Hogwarts and success
On Train Station Nine and Three-Quarter 
Mrs. Weasley gains his access  

He meets Ron and his pet rat
Draco Malfoy picks a spat
He ponders with the sorting hat
Winds up in Gryffindor, just like that

Harry trolls with Hermione
With Quidditch feels reborn
Meets with centaurs (they're like ponies)
On a search for unicorn 

With this stone someone's trying to make off – (er, 
Is it Sorcerer's or Philosopher's?);
Hagrid hatches a baby dragon 
Fluffy's tail is always waggin' 

Harry goes through the faculty's maze
Meets Voldy (sort of) face-to-face
Dumbledore makes sure he gets displaced
And Gryffindor finishes in first place
 
[Book Two]

Dobby, acting quite bizarre,
Gets Harry thrown under lock and bar
He's rescued by the Weasley's flying car
Which he later drives a bit too far 

Arthur fights Lucius in Diagon shops
While Lockhart craves his photo ops
On Halloween Night Sir Nicholas bops
Colin Creevey follows Harry nonstop

When those around him turn to stone
Harry finds that he alone 
Gets pegged as heir to Slytherin's Throne
And there's this ghost named Myrtle who moans

Talking with snakes makes argument boil,  
And thanks to Polyjuice
Ron and Harry become Crabbe and Goyle
A magic diary gets perused 

Harry wins at Quidditch on his broom
And follows the snake to the secret room,
Learns Tom Riddle's a nom de plume
For none other than You-Know-Whom

But the bird is mightier, so's the sword
And Harry thwarts the evil Lord 
Ginny to Mom and Dad's restored
So ends two years of room and board

[Book Three] 

Harry from the Dursley's again's discharged
After blowing up his Aunt Marge
Learns that Sirius Black's at large,
Takes a magic bus trip free of charge

Hot on the fugitive wizard's scent are
Eerie beings called Dementors
Their appearance occasions much complaint
Their very sight makes Harry faint

Harry sees a creature called a Grim 
Trelawney says it's after him.
Lupin teaches Dark Arts combat 
Crookshanks starts to smell a rat 

Then, the meeting with Black, long-anticipated
(Hold on, this gets complicated!)
Sirius was unjustly incarcerated
Due to Peter, non-assassinated

Lupin's the first one to perceive 
That Sirius' story they must believe. 
That Wormtail assumed a ratty shape
Then, the door swings opens – yikes, it's Snape!

Now to prevent a further shock
Our heroes must turn back the clock
Sirius & Buckbeak flee the dock
And in Patronum we can take stock

[Book Four]

At the home of Thomas Riddle
Voldy, not quite fit as a fiddle, 
Spies a muggle, strikes him dead - 
With a jolt leaps Harry out of bed 

Now it's on to the Quidditch World Cup:
Ireland creams Bulgaria
But when Voldy's masked Death Eaters whirl up
It's total mass hysteria

Then, an event of renown and fame:
Hogwarts sponsors the Triwizards game - 
Three scrolls emerge from the cup of flame
But then a fourth –  with Harry's name!

Harry takes tasks one, two and three
And fashions a joint victory 
But the trophy is a hidden portkey
(Alas, Cedric Diggory!)

Moldy Voldy, cruel and old, he's
Resurrected physically
But when his wand gets put on hold, he's
Forced to look on quizzically 

As he is mobbed by a crowd of ghosts
(All of who like Harry most)
Moody's really Crouch and then he's toast
As Fudge fumes at his Hogwarts hosts.

[epilogue] 

And so then Volume Four is done
Of this fantasy series second to none
What further twists will JKR have spun?
Just hold on tight till November One! 

- CMC