La Muerta Loca (a dramatic filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 7337

La Muerta Loca 
(from Chapter 34 of GoF)

(to the tune of Livin' La Vida Loca)

(Scene: The cemetery of the village of Little Hangleton.   HARRY 
POTTER, just freed from his bonds by Wormtail, prepares himself to 
duel LORD VOLDEMORT. Prominent in the foreground is the tomb of Tom 
Riddle. In the background, the lifeless remains of CEDRIC DIGGORY are 
observed).  

V (spoken): And now  - we duel. 

(he strikes HARRY with the Cruciatus Curse, who falls to the ground, 
writhing in pain) 

V (music): You're helpless, in my power
`Midst waves of searing pain
You're pegged as my next victim
To herald my new reign 

(HARRY struggles to his feet, aims his wand at VOLDEMORT)

HP: Very well, if you must kill me
I'll die up on my feet
If I perish like my father
Your triumph's incomplete

VOLDEMORT (raising his wand, spoken) Avada Kedrava!
HP:  (simultaneously, spoken, aiming his wand): Expelliarmus! 

(Jets of light emerge from their wands, which connect and lock 
together, forming an incandescent golden beam.  Their wands vibrate 
intensely, becoming increasingly difficult for either HARRY or 
VOLDEMORT to control. Enter FAWKES, who flies to HARRY, and sings the 
Phoenix's song into his ear) 

FAWKES: No matter what may happen now, do not let go of your wand
It's about to take you to a place so far beyond 


Hold on, Harry Potter, just hold on!

(HARRY and VOLDEMORT, their wands vibrating more and more intensely, 
are lifted into the air. The golden thread of light splinters into a 
thousand dazzling beams, which criss-cross and intersect in every 
direction, creating a golden, dome-shaped web)

ALL: Beams of light connect!
The Priori Incantantem!
Blaze forth and project!
V (angrily): He can't defeat me, he's a bantam! 

(A bead of light moves toward Harry's wand – with immense
effort, he forces it back to Voldemort, whose wand begins to shriek)  

FAWKES: His wand must now eject!

(The ghosts of CEDRIC DIGGORY, FRANK BRYCE, BERTHA JORKINS, JAMES AND 
LILLY POTTER emerge from Voldy's wand, and converge toward him)

HP: Look out, you're surrounded by phantoms!
V (fearfully): Not what I'd expect!
GHOSTS (mockingly): Now, Voldy, dear, don't throw a tantrum! 
(laughter)
ALL: The Priori Incantantem! The Priori Incantantem! The Priori 
Incantantem!

(the GHOSTS, completely without fear, dance menacingly around 
VOLDEMORT.  FAWKES ascends into the light and is lost to view. HARRY 
and VOLDEMORT struggle to control their wands)

HP: This really turns the tables
Does Voldemort look stunned!
V:  First thing tomorrow morning
I'm going back for a wand refund 

GHOSTS: What makes you think, dear Voldy
That a "tomorrow's" there for you?
You may be in moldy pieces 
Before we're finally through!

(JAMES, LILY, and CEDRIC move toward HARRY, singing quietly to him, 
so VOLDEMORT cannot hear)

JAMES AND LILY: We'll divert him a little longer, son, 
But you must then break free
Return alive to those you love by grabbing the portkey
CEDRIC: And return me to my family!

ALL: Beams of light project!
The Priori Incantantem!
Now must disconnect!!
HP : Cedric's final wish I must grant him!

(HARRY breaks the connection, extinguishing all the lights. He runs 
towards CEDRIC'S corpse, dodging blasts from the assembled Death 
Eaters along the way.  The GHOSTS make every effort to block 
VOLDEMORT)

GHOSTS: Harry we'll protect!
Leave Voldy alone with his rantin' 
V (finally breaking free): My power's again unchecked!

(he aims his wand at HARRY, but misses, shattering a tombstone)

HP (ducking behind a tombstone to avoid a second blast): 
But I'll live to do yet more enchantin'

ALL: The Priori Incantantem!
Harry's running now straight up the middle! 

(HARRY reaches the body of CEDRIC, and clasps it tightly to his own, 
closely followed by VOLDEMORT and the Death Eaters, who 
simultaneously raise their wands)

HP: Farewell to you all – and Tom Riddle! (he summons the portkey
and vanishes)

	- CMC

PS: I do not really believe that any self-respecting Phoenix would go 
around singing Ricky Martin tunes