[HPforGrownups] A NEW ENDING FOR BOOK 2

Tue Oct 3 02:36:07 UTC 2000

No: HPFGUIDX 2734

Eggplant, you have just justified your existence on this planet! Thank
you, from someone else who watches too much Judge Judy. You should print
this out and send it to JKR.

--Amanda

eggplant88 at hotmail.com wrote:

>                    A NEW ENDING FOR BOOK 2
>
> ANNOUNCER: Dark Wizard Tom Riddle is suing student Harry Potter over
> the loss of a snake and a diary. Mr. Potter is counter suing for
> harassment.
>
> BAILIFF: Order in the court, all rise. Your honor this is case number
> 198 on the calendar in the matter of Riddle versus Potter. The
> parties have been sworn in Judge.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Thank you Burt.
>
> BAILIFF: You may be seated.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Ok we'll start with you Mr. Riddle, tell me what happened.
>
> RIDDLE: Thank you your honor but I prefer to go by the name Lord
> Voldemort.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Lord Voldemort, what kind of name is that, did you have
> it legally changed?
>
> RIDDLE: Yes I think so.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: You think so? Let me see your wallet, come on, bring it
> up here. [pause] Mr. Riddle, your library card, drivers license, and
> credit cards to Starbucks and "Bed Bath and Beyond" are all in the
> name of Tom Riddle, if that is no longer your legal name then these
> cards all invalid. So I'll just destroy them shall I?
>
> RIDDLE: NO!
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Ok, I'm glad we got that cleared up, but don't lie to me
> again, I'm very smart. [handing the wallet back to Riddle] If you
> want your friends to call you Lord Voldemort that's your business,
> but legally you're Tom Riddle. Continue, tell me what happened.
>
> RIDDLE: Well the defendant, Mr Potter he
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Riddle get your hands out of your pockets and stand
> up straight, is that gum you're chewing, get rid of it. You're in a
> court of law now you're not at the beach.
>
> RIDDLE: Yes, sorry your honor, ah, there is this place called the
> Chamber of Secrets that was built by a wizard named Slytherin and I
> am the only descendent of Slytherin so the place is mine and
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Hold on a minute, Mr. Potter do you dispute any of this
> so far?
>
> POTTER: No your honor, he is the Heir of Slytherin.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Ok, continue.
>
> RIDDLE: Well Mr. Potter was trespassing, I never invited him into my
> chamber, and he killed my pet snake for no reason.
>
> POTTER: You're lying, that snake nearly killed me!
>
> RIDDLE: No you're lying!
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Talk to me not each other. Mr. Potter you acknowledge
> that you killed the snake but claim self defense, is that correct?
>
> POTTER: Yes, it bit me on the arm really bad, I thought I was going
> to die.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Show me the wound.
>
> Potter: Ah, actually there is no wound.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Why not?
>
> POTTER: Well there was a wound but then a Phoenix swept down, that's
> sort of a large beautiful magical bird that bursts into flames and is
> reborn from the ashes, anyway it landed on my knee and started to
> cry, and the bird's tears fell on the wound [pause] and then it sort
> of healed it [pause] it healed the wound somehow, [pause] it gave me
> a silver sword and a hat too [pause] it really did [pause] so that's
> what happened, [pause] really [pause] and that's all.
>
> [long uncomfortable silence in the courtroom]
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Potter look at me, go ahead look at me, is the
> word "stupid" written on my forehead?
>
> POTTER: What?
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Is  The  Word  "Stupid"  Written  On  My  Forehead?
>
> POTTER:  No.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Correct, it is not! That's the silliest story I ever
> heard.
>
> POTTER:  It's true.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Baloney! What were you doing wandering around uninvited
> on another person's property anyway?
>
> POTTER : I was trying to rescue Ginny Weasley, the plaintiff
> kidnapped her.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Stop shaking your head Mr. Riddle. Mr. Potter why isn't
> Ginny Weasley in my courtroom?
>
> POTTER: She wanted to be but unfortunately her Defense Against The
> Dark Arts final exam is today, but she did write a letter confirming
> all
>
> JUDGE JUDY: A letter is not a witness and is not admissible to a
> court of law. Mr. Riddle, how much was the snake worth?
>
> RIDDLE: He was priceless, there were only three in the entire world
> that
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Priceless is not an answer, I need a figure, I can't give
> you a priceless settlement.
>
> RIDDLE: I do have a bill of sale but
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Let me see it. [pause] According to this the snake was
> bought for only 5 galleons.
>
> RIDDLE: Yes but that was a long time ago, it was just a baby smaller
> than my finger, it was worth far more than that by the time it was
> killed by the defendant. And technically it was not even a snake it
> was a basilisk.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Whatever. Do you have an estimate of its worth from an
> expert in exotic animals?
>
> RIDDLE: Yes your honor I do but I forgot to bring it, it's at home.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: And I'll bet the dog ate your homework too. Mr. Riddle
> that estimate does me no good if it's at home. When you come to court
> you need to come prepared and you don't get points for being dumb.
> Now what's this about a diary?
>
> RIDDLE: The defendant destroyed this very important diary.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Let me see. [pause] Yuck! You've got to be kidding me,
> even before it was damaged this thing was dime store quality, my
> court does not deal in trivialities.
>
> RIDDLE: It's not the book itself it's the content of the diary that
> was valuable.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Did you have a copyright on the contents?
>
> RIDDLE: I believe it is copyrighted but not by me, you see there is
> this lady In England who
>
> JUDGE JUDY: If you don't own the copyright you can't collect damages
> for the destruction of
>
> RIDDLE: But your honor
>
> JUDGE JUDY: I AM SPEAKING! You can tell I'm speaking when you see my
> lips move and you don't interrupt when I am speaking. Now if this
> English person chooses to sue Mr. Potter I'd be willing to reconsider
> the matter but it's irrelevant in this case. Mr. Potter you're
> counter suing Mr. Riddle for harassment, what's that about?
>
> Potter: He killed my parents, he makes my scar hurt, he killed
> Neville's  parents, he
>
> RIDDLE: Neville's parents aren't dead they're just
>
> Potter: They might as well be, they're
>
> JUDGE JUDY: QUIET! I don't want to hear any more of this childish
> bickering about who killed who and why. Grow up, both of you. [pause]
> Now Mr. Potter, this alleged incident with your parents happened more
> than 10 years ago, why are you suing now?
>
> Potter: I don't know, I guess because he's suing me.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: That's what I thought, Mr. Potter the law says that if
> you're going to sue somebody you must do so in a timely manner and 10
> years is not timely. And I'm very sorry your injury hurts you from
> time to time but how is that his fault?
>
> Potter: He makes it hurt, I don't know how but he does.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: Do you have any proof?
>
> Potter: Not exactly.
>
> JUDGE JUDY: I've heard enough. Judgement for the plaintiff in the
> amount of 5 galleons, your counter suite is dismissed. That's all.
>
> THE END
>
> And be sure to read the other exciting books in the series:
>
> Harry Potter And The Nuisance Lawsuits
> Harry Potter And The Provisional Feasibility Study
> Harry Potter And The Environmental Impact Statement
> Harry Potter And The Individual Tax 1040 Long Form
>
>
>
>
>
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