Clippings From The Daily Profit

[eggplant88 at hotmail.com]

No: HPFGUIDX 3049

[As you probably know Molly Weasley's book has been number one on the 
wizard's best seller list for 27 straight weeks now, but this is the 
first negative review of it I've seen. The Daily Profit people won't 
be happy about having their copyrighted review posted here but they 
can't sue me, my real name isn't eggplant] 

                   BOTTOM OF THE BIRDCAGE  
                      by Severus Snape *

It seems that anyone who had even a passing acquaintance with the man 
is writing a book about Harry Potter, and people are actually reading 
the silly things too. This dismal avalanche of stale books and the 
unhealthy fascination the wizarding world has for Potter is a 
puzzlement. Far from being the most naturally talented wizard in a 
thousand years as many ludicrously call Harry Potter, his defeat of 
lord Voldamort probably had as much to do with luck as anything else, 
and he didn't even survive the encounter. The latest addition to this 
distressing trend is by Molly Weasley [MY HARRY; Popular Witchcraft 
Press; 236 pages, 5 galleons] Even though both books are about Potter 
and both are flawed nobody could confuse this insipid fluff with the 
scholarly tome written by her daughter in law Hermione Weasley 
[HARRY'S WAR, The Life And Times of Harry Potter; Hogwarts University 
Press; 1466 pages, 35 galleons]. At least Molly Weasley makes no 
pretence of being an objective impartial observer of history, she 
makes it clear  she was always fond of Mr Potter, and after he was of 
some assistance to her daughter who go into a bit of trouble when she 
was in her first year at Hogwarts, her motherly feelings toward him 
really went into high gear. I'll spare you the boring details.   

However the book is not totally without entertainment value, in one 
unintentionally hilarious scene immediately after he finishes the
Tri-Wizard tournament, mighty heroic Harry Potter is depicted as 
crying like a baby in the arms of Mrs Weasley. It seems that Harry 
Potter had a guilty conscience about the death of Cedric Diggory. Now 
that's interesting, but she does not explore this intriguing 
revelation in greater detail, rather we are treated to page after 
page of tedious  preparations for the marriage between Mr. Potter and 
Mrs Weasley's daughter. From reading the book I'm sure Mrs Weasley 
found these activities delightful, but why the author thought anyone 
else would be interested in such an unimportant matter is a mystery, 
after all it never amounted to anything, the marriage only lasted a 
month. The only part of this long boring chapter of any interest is 
when she overhears Potter casually say to her son Ronald that he 
wants to write a will and get married as soon as possible because he 
doesn't expect to live much longer. It seems to me to be the height 
of irresponsibility to marry and father a child if you expected to 
get killed soon, but Mrs Weasley has perversely chosen to interpret 
this as heroism.

Mrs. Weasley goes on and on page after uninteresting page about
Mr Potter's death by lord Voldamort and the effect it had on his wife 
and friends, no doubt she was aiming for epic tragedy but what she 
achieved was maudlin claptrap. This dumpy little woman would do well 
to stay in the kitchen and leave the writing of books to those who 
have an aptitude for it.  
    
_______________    
* Severus Snape is the potions master at Hogwarts School Of 
Witchcraft And Wizardry. His book "Manufactured Hero, the Building of 
the Potter Myth" will be published early next year by Slytherin 
Press.  

====================================================================
[The day after the above review was published I found this report 
also in The Daily Profit, and on page one]


                 STRANGE MALADY AFFLICTS PROFESSOR 

Professor Severus Snape was taken ill today as he was giving the 
first of a series of planed public lectures promoting his upcoming 
book about Harry Potter. Ronald Weasley was in the audience at the 
time and talked to reporters. Obviously struggling to keep his voice 
under control he said "It's all so very sad, he had just opened his 
mouth to start the lecture when his tongue started to swell, in less 
than a minute it was 4 feet long, then he started running around the 
stage dragging his tongue behind him making this odd little squeaking 
sound. I just happened to have my camera with me at the time and got 
a shot of it" see photo on page 1 "I of course have absolutely no 
idea what could have caused such a thing, I've never seen anything 
like it before in my life. It's a shame, a real shame, my entire 
family was so looking forward to hearing what the professor had to 
say about Harry. You'll have to excuse me now as I wipe a tear from 
my eye." Mr. Weasley's brothers Fred and George were also in the 
audience but were too overcome with emotion to speak to reporters. 
Doctors say the tongue will return to normal size in a day or two but 
have no explanation of why it grew so large. Professor Snape has 
indicated he has no plans to continue lecturing in the immediate 
future.