Off-Topic #2: [Fwd: Literature Abuse: is this you?]

[Amanda Lewanski]

No: HPFGUIDX 4783

Okay, here's the second. We seem to have such a group of well-read
readers and talented writers, I thought you'd like this.

--Amanda



LITERATURE ABUSE: AMERICA'S HIDDEN PROBLEM

Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to
new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased
college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of
literature abusers is currently at record levels.

SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal
relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to
the neglect of friends and family.

In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in awkward
positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they
become cranky reference librarians in small towns.

Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of
moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of
English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this
disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness,
daydreaming and emotional instability.

HEREDITY
It has been established that heredity plays a considerable role in
determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. Most
abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning
at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an
abuser become abusers themselves.

OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy
fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games,
participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.

PREVENTION
Premarital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in
order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular
should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be
encouraged to seek physical activity, and to avoid isolation and morbid
introspection.

Self-test for literature abuse
How many of these apply to you?
1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
4. I have sometimes read early in the morning, or before work.
5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without
being seen.
6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read
novels.
7. Sometimes I rewrite film or television dialog as the characters
speak.
8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book
nearby.
9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would
otherwise avoid.
11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I had
finished a novel.
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.

18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
19. Sometimes I think my fiction reading is out of control.

If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be a
literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicates a
serious problem.

DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs
to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study
literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their
children are taking the wrong path-don't expect your teenager to
approach you and say, 'I can't stop reading Spencer.' By the time you
visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it
may already be too late.

What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:

1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her
know you won't abandon her-but that you aren't spending a hundred grand
to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either.
But remember that she may not be able to make a decision without help;
perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic
poisoning.
2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: 'I found this book
in your purse. How long has this been going on?' Ask the hard
question-Who is this Count Vronsky?'
3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room.
Praise her brother, the engineer. Introduce her to frat boys.
4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop
signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor
in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.

You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the
following applies:
* She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
* She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
* Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf,
Faulkner, or any scene from the Lake District.