Fifty Ways to Free Your House Elf (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 12615

Fifty Ways to Free Your House Elf (from CoS, final chapter)

(To the Tune of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover)

(The Scene: Before Hogwarts Castle. Deposed from the Board, his 
planting of Tom Riddle's diary on Ginny Weasley exposed, LUCIUS 
MALFOY is departing in a state of intense anger, kicking his house-
elf DOBBY every step of the way. HARRY ponders a possible 
intervention)

HARRY
Lucius set things up so that young Ginny'd take the fall
And now he's leaving in a rage, just hear poor Dobby squall
But I've now thought of how to bring some closure to it all
`Cause there's 50 ways to free a house elf
If I can trick this sleaze to free his house elf

(HARRY hands LUCIUS Riddle's diary, wrapped in an old sock, which 
LUCIUS throws aside in disgust)

HARRY (to LUCIUS)
Just give him your shoe, Lou, just hand him your hat, Matt
Just fling him a shirt, Kurt, and his chain you'll unlock
Just toss him your tie, guy, and to Dobby, say good-bye
Just throw him this sock, Doc, and he's off your time-clock

(DOBBY retrieves the sock, and in accordance with the laws of House 
Elf-Human relationships, is immediately set free.  An expression of 
joy and wonder crosses DOBBY'S face, as LUCIUS' anger is amplified 
ten-fold)

LUCIUS
Harry Potter, you have always been a meddling fool
You're exactly like your father James when he was at this school
But now you are about to find that I can be quite cruel
`Cause there are nifty ways to hex an upstart
Here are thrifty things I've learned in Dark Arts

.. 

(LUCIUS raises his wand menacingly. DOBBY knocks him flat on the 
ground with Elf magic)

DOBBY (to LUCIUS)
I'm no longer a slave, Dave; I'm now totally free, Lee
I no further am bound, hound, and that's why you're down prone
I have now reached the age, sage, so are we on the same page?
I'm out on my own, Sloan, so leave Harry alone! 

(Exit LUCIUS – DOBBY embraces HARRY and vanishes)

  - CMC