[HPforGrownups] We'll All Be Sorted (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 12945

(Author's Note: Of course, the Sorting Hat does original material, and
presumably, original music..But what if it did filks? Perhaps it would sound
something like this.)

We'll All Be Sorted  (from HP/SS, Chapter 7)

(To the tune of I'm So Excited)

Dedicated to Sister Mary Lunatic

(The Scene: The Sorting Ceremony at the Hogwarts Great Hall.  HARRY with all
the other first years, is waiting nervously as the Sorting Hat launches into
its annual gig)

SORTING HAT
A thousand years ago the Hogwarts Founders
Placed within a simple garment of headware
A sophisticated database Sort function
Far beyond the Muggles' most advanced software

SORTING HAT
If I say "Slytherin,"....

CHORUS OF OLDER STUDENTS
                        ...you're in!
If "Hufflepuff," sure 'nough!

SORTING HAT
If "Gryffindor".....

CHORUS OF OLDER STUDENTS
                            ...is called for
Then you are through their door!

SORTING HAT
If "Ravenclaw,".....

CHORUS OF OLDER STUDENTS
                         ...well that then says it all!

CHORUS OF FIRST-YEARS
We'll all be sorted!
That hat reported!
It's about to name the house to which we'll  be escorted!
When it's done sorting
We'll start cavorting
It knows it knows it knows it knows
All 'bout us 'bout us 'bout us

(The SORTING HAT decides to do a random rather than alaphabetic sort this
year, and calls HARRY first)

SORTING HAT
I'm now upon the head of Harry Potter
A fascinating challenge I might explain
Shall Gryffindor help amplify your glory
Or will Slytherin grant your brilliance its full reign?

If I say Slytherin, you're in.....

HARRY
No you can't send there
See my lip stiffen, Gryffin -
Dor's where I want to be....

SORTING HAT
                         ....so if in fact
Then we now have a contract!
(spoken) GRYFFINDOR!

(HARRY rushes to the GRYFFINDOR table, who welcome him with open arms, while
SLYTHERIN looks angry and betrayed)

HARRY & CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
I have/Harry's been sorted!
I/We feel transported!
The House of Slytherin for me/him is way too sordid
Slytherin's been thwarted!
Malfoy just snorted!

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS (simultaneously with below)
We know  we know we know we know
We got you! Got you! Got you!

CHORUS OF SLYTHERIN STUDENTS (simultaneously with above)
You know  You know You know You know
We'll get you! Get you! Get you!

(The HAT, with necessary variations, runs through 60* or so choruses of the
song, one for each new first-year.  No wonder it only does this once a
year!)

- CMC

*or however many first-years in Harry's cohort group