Talk to the Basilisks (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 9294

Talk to the Basilisks

(to the tune of Talk to the Animals, from the film Dr. Doolittle
– the 1967 version)

(The Scene: Neutral Ground in Brazil.  HARRY POTTER and LORD 
VOLDEMORT, ordinarily the most implacable of foes, have temporarily 
set aside their differences in order to celebrate that rare and 
extraordinary talent which they alone share)

BOTH: Oh, we can talk to the basilisks, learn what makes `em hiss
With king snakes and king cobras we confer
HP: We can converse with a Cottonmouth because we know Parselmouth 
V: Scales have it over fin and fur

BOTH: We love prattlin' with the rattlesnakes, even playin'
pattycakes
V: It's a thrill to speak in serpentine
BOTH: We're always jubilant when the syllables get sibilant 
HP: You soon find out that snakes have all the lines 

BOTH: We can chew the fat with a fat adder 
We're quite fond of anaconda, too 
V: And when they ask, "Can you speak in constrictor-ese?"
HP: "With unrestricted ease! Can't you?"

BOTH: When you talk to the snakes in their own languages 
In reptilian, there's a million things to tell
When you talk to the basilisks, hiss with the basilisks
Coil and shed and squeeze with the basilisks
Then they can hiss and coil and shed and squeeze pell-mell!

V: Consulting with the critters in 
The emblem of Slytherin
Is my unswerving source of good advice
HP: And even although a coral snake
Might make even an Auror shake
You'll quickly see that they are very nice 

BOTH: We can speak to each and every reptile
In its very own vernacular
V: Cause `even back in Eden
A snake they were a-needin'
HP: To help make the plot more spectacular

V: If you talk to the basilisks, you do incur some risks,
HP: People are sure to say, "Tsk Tsk"
But if you gossip with the garter snakes, 
V: Strategize with smarter snakes
You'll reduce that grumbling to an asterisk

BOTH: We can delve into a snake pit, or even throw a hissy fit 
And a snake will in friendship give its palm
HP: And if you feel hyperactive, just get viper-interactive
V: And we can guarantee you'll feel calm

BOTH: Although we're deadly enemies, we're so fluent in
venom-ese
That maybe things will work out without fuss 
Cause when we talk to the basilisks, hiss with the basilisks
Coil and shed and squeeze with the basilisks
Then they can hiss and coil and squeeze and not kill us!

      - CMC