A Photo Op for Lockhart (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 10143

A Photo Op for Lockhart  (from CoS, Ch. 4)

(to the tune of The Lullaby of Broadway)

(THE SCENE: Flourish and Blotts bookshop in Diagon Alley.  A large 
banner proclaims that Gilderoy Lockhart will be signing copies of his 
autobiography Magical Me.   A large enthusiastic crowd of female 
admirers, both middle-aged witches and Hogwarts students – including 
Hermione – is crowded around him.  A small and rather bored group of 
photographers and reporters are also crowded around Lockhart, who 
clearly relishes being the center of attention. Off to one side are 
HARRY POTTER and RON WEASLEY, watching the proceedings with 
considerable skepticism. The manager of the shop moves forward to 
introduce Lockhart)

BOOKSTORE MANAGER
Flourish and Blotts is proud to hold a photo op for Lockhart
The hunkiest author of all time who fought against the Dark Arts
Whether traveling with trolls or voyaging with vampires
His magic prowess conquered all
.    

CHORUS OF FEMALE ADMIRERS
   	           
..but you're preaching to the choir
Oh, we can tell with just one glance this guy is total beefcake

HARRY & RON
We have the feeling we'll find out he's just a flake

CHORUS OF PHOTOGRAPHERS & REPORTERS
Say cheese, Lockhart!
Say cheese, with your copy of Magical Me 

CHORUS OF FEMALE ADMIRERS (brandishing their copies of Lockhart's 
book)
Oh please, Lockhart!
Oh please sign my copy for me!

LOCKHART
Thanks for coming here today to purchase my best-seller
Just like all my other books, I'll guarantee it's stellar
Look who's out there in the crowd, if it isn't Harry Potter!

(LOCKHART pulls the resistant HARRY over to him. The photographers 
crowd in for more pictures)

Come up,  Harry, take a bow, let me tell you how this quarter 
That I'll be teaching you at school the Art of Darkness Defense 
Evil forces never faced a rival more intense

(LOCKHART piles upon HARRY a complete set of his books, who staggers 
under their weight – more flashbulbs go off)

ALL (except HARRY and RON) 
Say cheese, Harry!
Say cheese with a complete set of my/his books

LOCKHART (aside to Harry) 
Say cheese, Harry 
See how far you'll get on good looks

(HARRY retreats back to RON's company)

HARRY (aside, simultaneously with below)
Now I can see that Gilderoy is a pure schnook.

LOCKHART (aside, simultaneously with above)
Once again my faithful fans have taken my hook

(Exit all except HARRY and RON) 

HARRY and RON
Good night DADA
Good night, no learning this year there'll be 
Good night, DADA
On this we both agree
DADA's been stashed away under Lockhart and key!

 - CMC