HP4GU Contest #5 Results

[joym999 at aol.com]

No: HPFGUIDX 20371

Here are the responses to this week's HP4GU Contest, in which you 
were asked to speculate about wizard's sex, love and romantic lives.  
Once again, the quality of the responses was much more impressive 
than the quantity.  I will refrain from making any more disparaging 
remarks about the sex lives of HP4GU members, but I must recommend 
that many of you should consider contacting some of the people below 
to inquire about the availability of the products they mention.

This group of speculations comes from Robert Carnegie, a newbie who 
we all realized at once was Our Kind of Nutcase.  Welcome, Robert.
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I suppose a Foe-glass that tells you if her husband's Apparating home 
early from work would be useful...

Cutaway robes...

Mirror of Gniliec...

Professor Sprout's book of what strange plants and fungi are used for 
that _isn't_ on the school reading list...

The _special_ Golden Snitch set for the ladies, say no more?

Somewhere secret to keep the _special_ photographs (while allowing 
the steam to escape...)

The video of /Holidays with Hags/ by Gilderoy Lockhart, also 
exclusively for ladies perhaps...

/Impervius!/ windows on your Flying Ford Anglia...

Extremely erotic statue of a humped witch (I suspect that this joke 
is exclusive to the Lexicon, throughout POA she's "the witch with the 
hump" or "the one-eyed witch")

/Eureka!/ will do for a spell to enhance position #6 in the Indian 
section of _The Perfumed Garden_ - this is the position with the 
charming name of "the screw of Archimedes".  From the
description, I imagine it's a Hovering Charm, I won't dwell on it.

Instant Scalping if that is your preference...

Spinning wheel with enchanted needle so that the kids all prick their 
fingers and fall into an enchanted sleep and the two of you have the 
afternoon to yourselves...

French Howlers.  (They're like French letters only more, um, 
emphatic.)

For less well-informed males, an enchanted map, or just an ordinary 
bloody map.  "Eureka!"

And you don't want to know what he's doing in the bathroom with that 
bottle of Skelegrow.  Come to think, I wish _I_ didn't know.

– Robert Carnegie
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Susan has submitted some useful ideas:
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Well, as the parent of a 3.5 year old who has yet to sleep through 
the night, and a 20 month old, I speculate that wizards/witches will 
be able to 
a) put their children into an enchanted sleep which will not be 
harmful in any way
b) put a boundary spell so that no one else can disturb them
c) sleep for 12 hours
d) get up and talk to one's partner for the first time in 6 weeks
e) sleep for 12 more hours
f) wake up and make wild passionate love...

Okay..let's see, what about making love while flying?  using the old 
magic carpet (mentioned in the GofF) might work best...floating among 
the clouds....

Susan
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And from Elizabeth some spells which I, personally, would empty out 
my bank account for:
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*SIGH* I could really do with a spell that was something along the 
lines of 'Boyfriendus Makeus Upus Thy GODDAMNMINDUS!!!'

Alright, this is a kind of shallow spell, but it is one I really wish 
existed. I think it would make life so much easier for us girls, be 
us witch or Muggle. Especially those who have an emotionally immature 
brainless spineless thoughtless 'boyfriend' of dubious moral fibre 
regarding faithfulness and who seems to think that an engagement can 
be turned on and off like a tap. Hmpf.  

Hmm. Time-Turners. *Two* boyfriends...Oooh. Of course, the MoM would 
be very angry...

Now, for one of my favorite things that we've been told exist but 
been told very little about. Love Potions!! We know they're banned at 
Hogwarts, but I wonder why they're not banned in general as well. If 
you could make the person you fancy, fancy you right back with a drop 
of Love Potion in their Butterbeer, then things could and probably 
would turn icky very quickly.  Plus, it would take all the fun out of 
dating. How many of us have spent hours dreaming about a guy, 
'accidently' bumping into him in the halls, boring our friends 
senseless with 'He's so HOT! I luurrrvve him. I want to marry him and 
have his children etc etc ad nauseum!', primping and preening every 
day just in case we run into him? *That's* the fun bit. Once you 
actually snare Mr. Right he all to often turns into Mr-Was-Right-
Until-I-Got-Him-And-Then-Met-His-Really-Cute-Best-Buddy.
As for how they work - well, JKR's got me there. I guess they could 
be kind of the magical equivalent to makeup and trampy clothes. 
Maybe, like AK, they need quite a bit of magical power behind them, 
which is beyond most little pubescent lurvestruck witchies. I guess 
they make you look good to the object of your desire, but eventually 
it wears off and they see you as you 
really are. And then I guess they either still like you, or they go 
screaming off on their Firebolt as fast as possible. Which all kind 
of parallels with wearing makeup and cute (read: uncomfortable) 
clothes, but then you get home, take off the makeup and slob around 
in trackies.

Elizabeth C
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And, from the irrepressible Jamieson, this terrific tale:
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Oddly enough you picked the subject of sex for this weeks contest.  
Coincidentally, while I was going through all my papers and what not 
in my desk, I came across this article I had saved from Witch Weekly 
magazine a few weeks ago. I thought it would fit the contest 
perfectly.

– Jamieson

A Great Sexual Weapon----by special correspondent Andreus Koffshinks.

There is an old legend in my family. Little did I know that it was 
true.  Our family has held this legend in secret for thousands of 
years and now, I share it with you. What is the reason for this? Not 
even I know the answer; I just feel compelled to tell it.

Our family, the Koffshinks, have been around for a while. No one 
knows where our family line started, but one thing was for certain: 
we were a very open family. Nothing bothered us, and we were pretty 
open with everything. Everything except revealing ourselves to the 
Muggles.

My great, great, great, great Grandfather, Seamus Koffshinks, 
believed in sex. We all had a belief system, and his happened to be 
fornication.  Could we blame him? Nope.  Now, Grandpa Koffshinks, 
Sean to his friends, believed so much in sex that he opened up what 
we would now call a brothel. It was the very first wizard brothel 
ever in existence, and the only one of it's kind.
For you see, in this brothel anything you dreamed of having or 
wanting was yours.

And this is where our story starts. On Midsummer Eve Grandpa Sean was 
polishing the front counter when a woman walked in. She was tall, 
long legs that just didn't quit, and enough cleavage to drown the 
most eager teenager. She had dark eyes, my Grandfather remembers 
looking into them and being lost.

"How can I help you?" He stammered out, still glaring at her bosom.  
"I believe," she said in a smoky voice, "that it is I who can help 
you.  Are you Seamus Koffshinks?"

"Who wants to know?" he stuttered.

"My name is Sasha. And I seek employment for one night only."

"Oh. I see. How, um, lovely." Sean spit out. He was now sweating 
heavily, and the room seemed suddenly hot. "And what Magic to you 
have?"

It should be noted, for those that are now reading this, that my 
Grandfathers brothel was special for a great many reasons. Not only 
could you have any kind of man or woman you desired, but each 
"border" performed a special bit of Magic all their own, to spice up 
the sex that
sweated between the bed sheets. One woman could shoot off fireworks 
during orgasm. One man's hair lit on fire to show how high the fire 
of his passion was. One woman was able to recite a charm so that 
every part of the body was an erogenous zone.

"That is to be found out at a later time, to be sure." Sasha crooned.

"Oh. Alright. Lovely." the room seemed very hot, indeed. "And if I 
could just get you to look in our ledger at the gentlemen and ladies, 
the Witches and Wizards that is, who are here this evening, you could 
pick any one of your choosing-"

"I want you." Sasha said simply.

At this time, Sean wasn't married. I note that here for his wife, if 
she be reading, as to not send her into hysterics. Also, there was a 
policy that Sean did not sleep with any of the woman that lived in 
the brothel.  It didn't seem to matter tonight, however, because he 
responded:

"Oh. Alright. Lovely." and led her off to his private quarters.

Once there, Sean began to take off his clothes in a hurry, the heat 
of his body seeming to burn them off. Sasha, however, had other 
plans. She chatted to him about the weather, what the Minister of 
Magic was doing, how the cows down the way were fairing, did he like 
the colour of her dress, that sort of thing.

Sean, by this time, was in a fit. He had torn apart his bed sheet, 
and was resisting the urge to pleasure himself. Sasha saw this, and 
smiled.  She then took him, and had him.

When Sean's orgasm came, it was the most earth shattering he had ever 
had. It has never been equaled since. (Apologies go out to Harriet, 
Sean's wife).The walls shook, sparks flew from the heat of the bed 
and the light seemed to sing.

For you see, Sasha had discovered the one element to spice up a 
Wizard and Witches sex life: Anticipation.

And that, dear readers, is the story of our family legend. Perhaps, 
if the occasion suits you, you might take a visit to the brothel 
which I now own. It's the lovely house just before you hit Knockturn 
Alley.  I hope to see you some time soon. Best regards, and until 
next time dear
readers.

And remember: A man who is made to wait, is a man that you can keep 
satisfied.