The Worst of All Possible Wolves (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 20685

The Worst of All Possible Wolves (from PoA, Chap 9)

(To the tune of The Best of All Possible Worlds, from Candide)

Dedicated to Lisa

THE SCENE:  The Dark Arts' classroom. The third-year GRYFFINDORS are 
in attendance. HARRY rushes in late only to discover that a "Sub" is 
teaching today
.. 

HARRY (rushing in, speaking): Sorry I'm late, Professor Lupin, I—'

SNAPE (music)
Potter, for you this news is distressin'
Lupin's not here – so I'll teach this lesson

HARRY (music)
He always disses the other professors who teach
Defense Against Dark Arts, for that is the topic he'd preach

SNAPE
Open your textbooks, to the very end of your book
Today at werewolves we all shall be taking a look

Kindly contrast true wolves and werewolves 

HERMIONE
The former are found where ever there are wolves
The latter are humans who monthly sprout abundant hair
They are Dark Creatures and thrive best in bestial lairs 

HARRY
Objection! Where is Lupin?

SNAPE
Professor Lupin is unwell, and inasmuch as I can tell
So far behind
This class I find 
It does confirm my worst fears:
You know less than the first years
Incompetent teachers at Hogwarts have always been a curse here
Third-years who study Grindylows?
To count one's fingers and one's toes
Would be ten times the puzzle
Now, Potter, please self-muzzle.

HERMIONE
Werewolves are tied to a lunar cycle
Once one is bit, not even Nyquil
Can prevent their entry into a furrier phase

SNAPE
Five points that costs you, Miss Granger, your hand was not raised.

RON
Objection! Let her respond!

SNAPE
I thought this class was taught by me, 
But it seems that Sir Ron Weasley 
Has some great need 
To supersede
My carefully crafted lecture
At least I so conjecture

So let me now make evident
The points that I'll deduct, sir.
I state it's now my current plan
To have you scrubbing out bed pans
As you serve your Detention
So, what else have you to mention?

Werewolves are wolves, have been and will be 

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
Werewolves are wolves who would love to kill me 

SNAPE
This is the reason that werewolves so fear the full moon
(And, have you noticed, tonight we have here the full moon)
Homo Homini Lupus!
FYI!

CHORUS
Homo Homini Lupus!

SNAPE & CHORUS
They're the worst of all possible
Possible possible Wolves! 
Homo Homini Lupus!

SNAPE
F! Y! I!

-	CMC

(Author's Note: The original song has Dr. Pangloss, Voltaire's 
brilliant personification of mindless optimism, leading a brief canon 
on the phrase Quod Erat Demonstrandum (Q.E.D): Thus It Is 
Demonstrated, the triumphal cry of the logician.  Here, I have Snape 
substitute another well-known Latin epigram, Homo Homini Lupus: Man 
is to man a wolf.)