If You're Anxious For to Shine in the Dark-Art Fighting Line (filk)

[linman6868 at aol.com]

No: HPFGUIDX 20736

If You're Anxious For to Shine in the Dark-Art Fighting Line

To the tune of "If You're Anxious for to Shine in the High Aesthetic 
Line" from PATIENCE by Gilbert and Sullivan

Dedicated to Caius and Susan who recently outed themselves as CoS 
Lovers...

Enter GILDEROY LOCKHART, scooting quickly into his office, conjuring 
trunks with exotic stamps on them and tossing all his belongings in 
willy-nilly.

LOCKHART
Am I alone,
And unobserved? I am!
Then let me own
I'm a magical sham!
This air of cheer
Is but a mere
Veneer!
This winning smile
Is but a wile
Of guile!
These robes are placed
To feign good taste --
A waste!

Let me confess!
The casualty of students does NOT blight me!
A magical entente does NOT delight me!
I do NOT care for heroic scenes
By any means.
I do NOT want opportunities
To scrape my knees.
I am NOT fond of professing DADA --
To me, it's nada!
In short, my heroism's affectation,
Born of a morbid love of admiration!

If you're anxious for to shine in the dark-art fighting line,
     as a man of talent rare,
You must get up all the germs of Transfiguration terms,
     and plant them everywhere.
You must stand upon the dais-es and discourse in novel phrases of the
     creatures that you find,
The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a
     brave, yet modest, kind.
And everyone will say
As you walk your knowing way,
"If this young man expresses greater bravery than ME,
Why, what a very singularly brave young man this brave young man must 
be!"

Be eloquent in praise of your roaring salad days 
     which by no means have passed by,
And the Bandon Banshee's eyes, and the werewolf's close demise
     are a blink in your turquoise eye.
Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever others do,
     and declare you did it better;
And you will get the meat of a far-off wizard's feat,
     and purloin it to the letter.
And everyone will say,
As you walk your hero's way,
"If that's not wild enough for him that's wild enough for ME,
Why, what a rootin' tootin' man this kind of man must be!"

Then a sneaky kind of penchant for a permanent and trenchant 
     Memory Charm must be your skill,
To protect the name you're making from the charge of blatant faking
     made by those who wish you ill.
Though the wizards may all snicker and declare you're truly thicker
     than the Gringott's main vault door,
All the witches will applaud you and the tabloids will all laud you
     if you give them one smile more.
And everyone will say,
As you walk your handsome way,
"If he's content with charm and looks which can't be had by me,
Why what a most particularly unique man this unique man must be!"

LOCKHART startles as a knock sounds upon his office door.  He opens 
it, and find Harry and Ron waiting.

--Lisa I.