Filk - Hermione Don't Use that Rhino

Mon Mar 5 01:38:03 UTC 2001

No: HPFGUIDX 13582

The silly story about the Rhino incident was written about an earlier
reference to the rhino in lonesco to ease some tensions on this message
board.  It is okay to step outside the written lines once and again.  The
story now brings to mind an old Steely Dan song "Rikki Don't lose that
Number."  The original silly story is attached below in case you missed it.
My apologies to Neil Ward for interrupting his late night reading.

Hermione Don't Use that Rhino  (words by Randy Estes)

We hear your studying, that's okay!
I thought our little storyline was a little bland.
I guess you kind of scared that kid.
He turned and ran.
So won't you have a change of heart?

Hermione don't use that Rhino
You don't want to scare nobody else
Send it back to the closet, up on the shelf.
Hermione don't use that Rhino
It's the one with thoughts all of its own.
If they find it out in the hallway,
You'll be sent home.

I have a friend at school
He's heard your name.
He might go tell the teachers about that Rhino.
We better stay inside the "read" lines.
I don't know.
And you don't have to act so smart...

Hermione don't use that Rhino
You don't want to scare nobody else
Send it back to the closet, up on the shelf.
Hermione don't use that Rhino
It's the one with thoughts all of its own.
If they find it out in the hallway,
You'll be sent home.

You tell yourself you're not that kind
But you don't even know your mind
And you could have a change of heart.

Hermione don't use that Rhino
You don't want to scare nobody else
Send it back to the closet, up on the shelf.
Hermione don't use that Rhino
It's the one with thoughts all of its own.
If they find it out in the hallway,
You'll be sent home.

----- Original Message -----
From: "Carole Estes" <lrcjestes at earthlink.net>
To: <HPforGrownups at yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Sunday, March 04, 2001 12:00 PM
Subject: Re: [HPforGrownups] ADMIN: Comments on 'over-analysis' (was Re:
JKR's play on words etc...)

> Ah yes, I can picture it now...  Professor Neil, dressed in his night
> robe,bunny slippers, and hairnet with his reading material clutched in his
> hand and his reading glasses sliding halfway down his nose....He comes to
> the door of his living quarters to answer the frantic knocking by the
> troubled students....
>
> Professor Neil:  "What's all this about then?"
>
> Student named Malodorous Brat:  "Sir, Hermione is trying to summon up that
> irritating rhino into the Gryffindor hallway, again!"
>
> Hermione: "It's not that way at all Sir!  He keeps telling me that I'm
> reading too much into this storyline again!  And I said if you don't stop
it
> this instant, I'll be forced to put that Rhino into your subconscious mind
> again.  And he said.."
>
> Professor Neil: "Enough !  Enough, I said!!  Hermione, if I've told you
> once, I've told you a thousand times, it's not polite to force large
animals
> into the subconscious minds of the first year students!  They wake up
> screaming and wailing, and disturbing the entire House with their antics!"
>
> Hermione:  "But you don't really believe that the words on the printed
page
> represent everything that's in the mind of "She Who Must Not Be Named"
when
> she writes this stuff!  Do you?  I mean I get such limited material to
work
> with here...Harry and Ron get to say and do all the fun stuff!  I'm the
one
> who always has to be practical.  I always have to play fair, and I have to
> be the bad guy every time one of them starts to get into trouble.  I feel
> like calling my agent every time I see one of those scenes in the script.
> But JK...I mean "She Who Must Not Be Named" always talks me into doing it
> again and again.  I swear I'll be in therapy for the rest of my life
trying
> to work through these repressed feelings.  I see myself as the true star
of
> the books.  After all, I am the smartest character in the whole
series...If
> it weren't for all of those boy action scenes, I'd be getting top billing.
> "Hermione Granger and the Lesser Beings battle the Evil Ones"... that's
what
> they ought to call the next book.  But noooo..."
>
> Professor Neil: " That's quite enough young lady!  We all have our place
in
> the storyline.  If you keep talking this way, you'll upset Ron and Harry,
> and then how are we supposed to resolve all the love relationships that
will
> happen in the future. After all, fans like Penny have donated thousands of
> galleons to the H/H ship fund, and JK..I mean "She Who Must Not Be Named"
> has to wait for the final negotiations to be completed before awarding you
> to the winner!"
>
> Hermione: "Paaleeease stop that nonsense, would you?  Why would I be
> interested in Harry or Ron, when it should be obvious to everyone that I
can
> create my own Brad Pitt and Fabio lookalikes to satisfy my every desire
just
> like every other mature witch can!  Harry's been alternating between his
> Brittany Spears and Claudia Schiffer clones for months now.  Ron, of
course
> has Super Model Orgies every night.  I guess that's just the result of
> growing up in a large family... What I'm trying to say here is that the
fans
> have got to stop assuming that we are only what our storyline allows us to
> be!  Those silly stories that the fans write are so limiting!  I can act
> better than that for goodness sake.  But what I really want to do is
> direct..."
>
> Professor Neil: " Well, I have heard about all I can stand for one night.
> Put the Rhino back into the abstract closet and go back to your evening
> studies.  Let the fans have their fantasies, and be thankful that "She Who
> Must Not Be Named" doesn't just write for kids!  We all have to do our
jobs
> and read the lines, and go about our lives."
>
> Professor Randy pokes his head out of the next door down the hall. "What's
> all the racket, Neil?"
>
> Professor Neil: "Just the same old Rhino thing!"
>
> Professor Randy: "Well you know sometimes a Rhino is just a Rhino.  And
> sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!  But a popular book series can be all
> things to all people!"
>
> Professor Neil: "Now don't you start with your crude remarks again!  We
all
> know how you got the name Randy after all!  I'll never understand how
> Dumbledore allowed you to teach Magical Practical Jokes for Fun and
Profit!
> We should be teaching the classics!  Not all this common trade school
fluff
> for the working class!  But you did pull off one of the all time best with
> that 2000 election in the United States...The way you kept changing the
vote
> count in Florida was hilarious!  I've never seen Dan Rather look so
> embarrassed in all my life!  Too bad they ended up with that Bush
> character!"
>
> Professor Randy: " You're missing the whole point, my good man!  I really
> did like Al Gore.  But without Bush in the White House, the world would
> become too well ordered, and where would the fun be in that?  I plan to
keep
> scaring the American public with the Dick Cheney near death experiences.
> Nobody is more scared that George W. about the prospect of losing the
leader
> of the free world.  George has no interest in listening to his Dad's
friends
> debate over who George should replace Dick with."
>
> Professor Neil;  " You are truly cruel!  But I must admit that the world
> would be boring without all of those Magical Practical Jokes controlling
the
> events of the day!  That trick you played on Ronald Reagan's memory was a
> bit much.  But he did say he did not want to recall the events of
> Iran-Contra in all honesty."
>
> Professor Randy:  "I do regret that one a bit.  But keeping the Muggle
World
> free from the sheer boredom of logical thought controlling world affairs
is
> a burden that I must bear."
>
> Professor Neil:  " Hermione back to your room.  Malodorous, get back to
your
> studies.  Randy, I've got to get back to my reading.  Tell Carole I loved
> her seminar on Controlling the Earth's Crust Movement through Magical
> Methods".
>
> Professor Randy:  " I'll tell her tomorrow when she calls.  She and Penny
> get back from Paris next week.  I kind of worry about Sirius being escort,
> but I've got to trust her."
>
> Professor Neil:  "Don't worry about it.  I spoke to Sirius about them, and
> he assured me that he's not going to get involved with another threesome
> like he did last time!"
>
> Professor Randy:  " Well that's good to hear!  Goodnight Neil."
>
> Professor Neil:  "Goodnight"
>
> (Wow.  I have no idea where all that came from.  It all started with those
> bunny slippers.)
>
> Time to sign off.  Randy goes back to his spellwork to cause George W. to
> make more gaffs in his latest speech before the public.  ;0)
>
> Randy
>
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Neil Ward" <neilward at dircon.co.uk>
> To: <HPforGrownups at yahoogroups.com>
> Sent: Sunday, March 04, 2001 2:53 AM
> Subject: [HPforGrownups] ADMIN: Comments on 'over-analysis' (was Re: JKR's
> play on words etc...)
>
>
> > Crustum the Clown wrote:
> >
> > <<And then there's my therory....you all read *way* too much into half
of
> > this stuff.>>
> >
> > Scott responded:
> >
> > <<--But thats what this list if for isn't it? I mean sure we probably
> "read
> > *way* too much" into the books, but I for one think it's fun!  Not to
make
> > you mad or anything but that is the whole point of  literary discussion.
> > (Kinda like that rhinoceros reference that
> >  supposedly had something to do with Ionesco...)>>
> >
> > Jen said:
> >
> > <<Oh PLEASE, let's not talk about that one again.  I was the one who
> brought
> > up the rhino-allusion originally, and let me just tell you, I got very
> sick
> > of the "you're reading WAY too much into this - it's just ridiculous"
> > posts/emails that just seeing a reference to it raises my blood
> pressure.>>
> >
> >
> > Yes, let's leave the scab over that wound, shall we?
> >
> > Jen is referring to an old thread that ended up causing some bad feeling
> on
> > the list.  So, in case anyone else was planning to comment on whether or
> not
> > some of us 'over-analyse' the Harry Potter books, I'll say, quite
firmly,
> > don't even go there!  It may start off in good humour, but we could
easily
> > end up with elevated blood pressure all round.
> >
> > Thanks, everyone.
> >
> > (Yes, I am wearing the moderator hairnet... and bunny slippers.  Wanna
> make
> > something of it?)
> >
> > Neil
> >
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > Flying-Ford-Anglia
> > Mechanimagus Moderator (revving up)
> >
> > "Krum, his red robes shining with blood from his nose,
> > was rising gently into the air, his fist held high, a glint
> > of gold in his hand." ["The Quidditch World Cup", GoF]
> >
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> >
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> >
> >
> >
> >
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