Keeper of the House (filk)

[linman6868 at aol.com]

No: HPFGUIDX 19321

KEEPER OF THE HOUSE

To the tune of "Master of the House" from LES MISERABLES

Dedicated to Amy Z and to Amanda Lewanski


Curtain.  Filch with quill, writing at his desk.

FILCH
Dear Headmaster,
Here's your report,
I tried my best
But can't keep it short...
Punishing pests,
Updating files,
As for the rest--
You'll see in a while.
Seldom do you see
Upright men like me--
A fine man with a spine
Who's only trying to be...

[grumbling]
Keeper of the House
Guardian of the gates
Ready with detention for those reprobates!
Spots a liar's tale
Makes a little list
Rules the troublemakers with an iron fist!
Glad to do old Snape a favor
Yes, he seems to understand:
Students need to pay or they will get stuck-up and out of hand...

[warming to the topic]
Keeper of the House
Keeper of the zoo
Running after kids is more than I should do!
Get a couple chains
Water and dry bread
Lock 'em in the dungeon standing on their heads!
Everybody hates the bad guy
But that is what I'm paid to do--
Whatever it will take to make them toe the line, that's what I'll do!

FRED and GEORGE, leading a chain-gang chorus outside Filch's office, 
banging pots and pans:

CHORUS
Keeper of the House
Quick to take a point,
Loves a good excuse to throw you in the joint!
Eyes on every floor,
Locks on every gate,
Likes to smack infractions whether small or great!
And he's got this cat companion
Boy, is she a royal pain!

FILCH
Come on, Mrs. Norris,
Cor! this is an awful ruddy day!

[FILCH returns to his letter]

FILCH
Dear Headmaster,
Now for the punch,
I hope you're not yet
Eating your lunch...
I have to say
Peeves is a curse
His pranks are growing 
Worse and yet worse
Contest there can't be
Of the lists so long
If only you could see
What Peeves has done so wrong...!

Good food everywhere!
House-elves in a state!
And he dared to speak to me in words of hate!
Smearings on the wall!
Toilets overflowed!
And there was graffiti saying I'm a toad!
Putting gum wads in a door lock
Writing swear words on the board,
It's beyond all reason and his dirty pranks I can't afford...

Vandals scrawling here,
Vandals scrawling there,
All the mess just makes me want to tear my hair!
Here a wardrobe smashed
There a curtain cut,
I'm constantly erasing all the dirt and smut!
Running out of Mrs. Skower's,
Running out of sanity!
Oh the little slimeys
How they love to try me
Blimey! what a trial to be me!

CHORUS
Keeper of the House
Quick to take a point
Love a good excuse to haul you in the joint!
Eyes on every floor
Locks on every gate
Likes to smack infractions whether small or great!
And he's got this cat companion,
Dearly whom we'd like to kick

FILCH
Come on, Mrs. Norris,
Cor! this day has given me some stick!

Enter PEEVES, dressed like a French tavern mistress, vamping:

PEEVES
I used to think
Old Dumble had a brain
But have you seen
What he's hired as caretaker?  He's insane!

Keeper of the House?
What a silly git!
Thinks he runs the castle, but he's such a twit!
Morals up to *here*--
Platitudes to *there*--
Thinks he's got my number--but there's not much there
[waves tiny phantom wand]
Waging war upon my antics,
What's a poltergeist to do?
How I love to fib and teach the little Squib a thing or two!

FILCH and CHORUS
Keeper of the House!

PEEVES
Keeper of the dump!

FILCH and CHORUS
Likes to smack infractions

PEEVES
Ah, the silly lump!

FILCH and CHORUS
Eyes on every floor,
Locks on every gate,

PEEVES
Bats about a hundredth, I would estimate!

CHORUS
Let's all drink a toast to Argus,
Give his cat a fresh white mouse!
Everybody raise a roar!

PEEVES
Let's all see his Kwikspell score!

FILCH and CHORUS
Everybody raise a roar for the Keeper of the House!



--Lisa I.