[HPforGrownups] Keeper of the House (filk)

[Amanda Lewanski]

No: HPFGUIDX 19416

To avoid this being a one-liner:

THIS.
IS.
SUPERB.

--Amanda

linman6868 at aol.com wrote:

> KEEPER OF THE HOUSE
>
> To the tune of "Master of the House" from LES MISERABLES
>
> Dedicated to Amy Z and to Amanda Lewanski
>
>
> Curtain.  Filch with quill, writing at his desk.
>
> FILCH
> Dear Headmaster,
> Here's your report,
> I tried my best
> But can't keep it short...
> Punishing pests,
> Updating files,
> As for the rest--
> You'll see in a while.
> Seldom do you see
> Upright men like me--
> A fine man with a spine
> Who's only trying to be...
>
> [grumbling]
> Keeper of the House
> Guardian of the gates
> Ready with detention for those reprobates!
> Spots a liar's tale
> Makes a little list
> Rules the troublemakers with an iron fist!
> Glad to do old Snape a favor
> Yes, he seems to understand:
> Students need to pay or they will get stuck-up and out of hand...
>
> [warming to the topic]
> Keeper of the House
> Keeper of the zoo
> Running after kids is more than I should do!
> Get a couple chains
> Water and dry bread
> Lock 'em in the dungeon standing on their heads!
> Everybody hates the bad guy
> But that is what I'm paid to do--
> Whatever it will take to make them toe the line, that's what I'll do!
>
> FRED and GEORGE, leading a chain-gang chorus outside Filch's office,
> banging pots and pans:
>
> CHORUS
> Keeper of the House
> Quick to take a point,
> Loves a good excuse to throw you in the joint!
> Eyes on every floor,
> Locks on every gate,
> Likes to smack infractions whether small or great!
> And he's got this cat companion
> Boy, is she a royal pain!
>
> FILCH
> Come on, Mrs. Norris,
> Cor! this is an awful ruddy day!
>
> [FILCH returns to his letter]
>
> FILCH
> Dear Headmaster,
> Now for the punch,
> I hope you're not yet
> Eating your lunch...
> I have to say
> Peeves is a curse
> His pranks are growing
> Worse and yet worse
> Contest there can't be
> Of the lists so long
> If only you could see
> What Peeves has done so wrong...!
>
> Good food everywhere!
> House-elves in a state!
> And he dared to speak to me in words of hate!
> Smearings on the wall!
> Toilets overflowed!
> And there was graffiti saying I'm a toad!
> Putting gum wads in a door lock
> Writing swear words on the board,
> It's beyond all reason and his dirty pranks I can't afford...
>
> Vandals scrawling here,
> Vandals scrawling there,
> All the mess just makes me want to tear my hair!
> Here a wardrobe smashed
> There a curtain cut,
> I'm constantly erasing all the dirt and smut!
> Running out of Mrs. Skower's,
> Running out of sanity!
> Oh the little slimeys
> How they love to try me
> Blimey! what a trial to be me!
>
> CHORUS
> Keeper of the House
> Quick to take a point
> Love a good excuse to haul you in the joint!
> Eyes on every floor
> Locks on every gate
> Likes to smack infractions whether small or great!
> And he's got this cat companion,
> Dearly whom we'd like to kick
>
> FILCH
> Come on, Mrs. Norris,
> Cor! this day has given me some stick!
>
> Enter PEEVES, dressed like a French tavern mistress, vamping:
>
> PEEVES
> I used to think
> Old Dumble had a brain
> But have you seen
> What he's hired as caretaker?  He's insane!
>
> Keeper of the House?
> What a silly git!
> Thinks he runs the castle, but he's such a twit!
> Morals up to *here*--
> Platitudes to *there*--
> Thinks he's got my number--but there's not much there
> [waves tiny phantom wand]
> Waging war upon my antics,
> What's a poltergeist to do?
> How I love to fib and teach the little Squib a thing or two!
>
> FILCH and CHORUS
> Keeper of the House!
>
> PEEVES
> Keeper of the dump!
>
> FILCH and CHORUS
> Likes to smack infractions
>
> PEEVES
> Ah, the silly lump!
>
> FILCH and CHORUS
> Eyes on every floor,
> Locks on every gate,
>
> PEEVES
> Bats about a hundredth, I would estimate!
>
> CHORUS
> Let's all drink a toast to Argus,
> Give his cat a fresh white mouse!
> Everybody raise a roar!
>
> PEEVES
> Let's all see his Kwikspell score!
>
> FILCH and CHORUS
> Everybody raise a roar for the Keeper of the House!
>
>
>
> --Lisa I.
>
>
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