FF/TBAY: The Captain returns

[Tabouli]

No: HPFGUIDX 37370

After a long voyage to Adelaide and back, Captain Tabouli at last turns her tiller for the Good Ship LOLLIPOPS.  She steers skilfully around the headland and through the perils of Romance Reef (already floating with small, Florentine fragments), looking forward to the comforts of her cabin, when a terrible sight slides into view.  In her absence, Theory Bay appears not only to have been buffeted by storms, but invaded by members of the local council.  The same members who, before her departure, declared the entire Bay a blot on the HPFGU coastline, and vowed to have it dredged and reclaimed for the construction of a canon museum, in which ancient topics would be on permanent display and councillors would be assigned to guide listmembers through weekly exhibitions of new canon fodder.

While Captain Tabouli has always enjoyed wandering through canon museums, the menacing ring of cranes and bulldozers around Theory Bay weighs heavy on her heart.  If the council naysayers prevail, and Theory Bay is drained, she will never be able to visit the museum without a pang of grief for the ships and whimsical vessels that once sailed there.  Averting her eyes from the glittering machines, she climbs aboard and descends to her cabin, where her TAGS (Tabouli's Acronym Generation Service) intray is bulging with applications.  Resting on the top of the pile is a note from one of her most trusted spies with the legend "Evidence of mutinous musings in your absence: urgent".  She puts aside her Captain's hat, dons her TAGS uniform, and reaches for her acronym generator, her brows drawing together as she reads.

Ama:
> R.I.C.K.'S.T.H.E.B.O.S.S.? S.O.P.E? Yikes. Tabouli's
gonna kick our hineys when she gets back.<

Grey Wolf:
> Well, we'll just have to make sure she doesn't know about it, won't we? 
;-) ::wink, wink::<

At this second comment, which bears what appears to be a large pawprint, Tabouli chuckles, her kicking foot twitching quietly to itself.  While she welcomes acronyms from other providers, and is always on the lookout for new TAGS staff, she is mildly amused that people think they can escape the glare of her spies and her All Seeing Eye...

Grey Wolf (filling in for Tabouli's Acronym-machine while she's on holiday):

> R.I.C.K.'S.T.H.E.B.O.S.S, anyone? (Ron Identified with 
the Chess Knigth: Surpasses his Triunfant, Heroic or Excelent Brothers 
Only by Self-Sacrifice<

Tabouli considers this application, which addresses the worthy and popular theory that Ron Is Doomed (RID?), and enters it into her acronym generator.  It gurgles thoughtfully for a moment, and then sadly issues a piece of black-bordered paper with S.A.C.R.I.F.I.C.E. (Sacrifice Awaits Condemned Ron, Insidiously Foreshadowed In Chess Exploits) printed on it.  She nods regally, and inserts it next to RICK'S THE BOSS in her files.

Ama:
> I'm beginning to develop some cockeyed
notions of how Harry could be killed and brought back,
and I know why I have a problem with it! It reeks of
my bete noire, Soap Opera Plot Extreme! Alright, I'll
have faith in JKR. Just because I can't do it doesn't
mean she can't construct a fantastic climax without
going the Way of the S.O.P.E.<

The second application addresses what appears to be a more general distaste for formulaic plots. The acronym generator whirs and chugs for a bit longer on this one, but eventually suggests that those who despise the thought of soap opera plots bubbling their way into HP do so because they are S.O.P.H.I.S.T.I.C.A.T.E.D. (Society Opposing Plots Hackneyed, Insipid, Sentimental, Trafficking In Cliches And Too Easily Decipherable).


"talondg" <trog at w...> wrote: 
>> We are also told that Voldy intends to kill Harry and his father.
>> Lilly Potter is not on the target list - why? It's not like Voldy has
>> any problem killing off innocents. 
>>
>> I cannot help but think that she was promised to Wormtail, as a reward....

Dicentra:
>Omigosh! Have we had this theoretical variation yet? Does it have a
name! Tabouli's out for a bit, so maybe we'll have to wait for an
acronym. (Can I suggest "M.A.K.E.M.E.B.A.R.F."?)<

A strange nausea comes over Tabouli as she reads the third, and most complex theory in her intray.  She pops a soothing mint in her mouth, and feeds Dicentra's suggestion into the generator.  It spews out "Monstrous Activity: Keeping Evil Men Entertained By Allocating Rescued Females", and then offers another option of its own accord: FOUL SLAVERY (Females Offer Unlimited Levity: Save Lily And Voldemort Eagerly Rewards You!).

Tabouli.


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