Scarlet Woman (filk)

[coriolan_cmc2001]

No: HPFGUIDX 42818

Scarlet Woman (GoF, Chap 27-28)

(To the tune of Devil Woman)

Dedicated to Pip

Hear the original at: 

http://www.foxlink.net/~bobnbren/1960s.html

THE SCENE: Potions' Class. The TRIO have been made aware of Rita 
Skeeter's libelous slur of HERMIONE in Witch Weekly


RON (reading Skeeter's article aloud)
"They warned Harry about her, told him she was such a blight
Harry laughed and ignored `em, but Harry is not too bright.
She toys with that poor boy's affections, though she is a homely gal.
`Cause that Hermione, what she aspires to be is the grand femme 
fatale

"Oh, scarlet woman, scarlet woman, let Harry be!
Scarlet woman, let him be!
She thinks she's so smart
She's merely a tart

"Viktor came here from Bulgaria, he's the famous star in Quidditch 
Soon his sad heart was broken by that devious young witch
Scarlet woman, so skinny, she traps them all with love charms
`Cause since she shrunk her teeth she thinks we're all beneath her, 
she ain't worth a darn.

"Oh, scarlet woman, scarlet woman, let Viktor be!
Scarlet woman, let him be!
She'll turn Viktor Krum
To a worthless bum."

(To the surprise of HARRY and RON, HERMIONE just laughs the article 
off)

HERMIONE
Rita Skeeter, she's stupid, like the blast-ended skrewt
Like Vince Crab & Greg Goyle, if she thinks I give a hoot.
Every word she writes is a falsehood, not excluding "the" & "and."
And everyone will see (perhaps not Pansy P.) through her crude 
sleight of hand

Oh, Skeeter woman, Skeeter woman, go have a calf
Skeeter woman, make me laugh
Don't care what you say
So slander away

(Segue to the Great Hall a few days later during breakfast as the 
owls arrive)

HARRY
During breakfast the owls came, carrying letters for us
Hermy got lots of hate-mail full of bubotuber pus 
Made her hands break out in boils, and her eyes to fill with tears
Now our Hermione needs the infirmary `cause Skeeter loves doing 
smears 

HERMIONE
Oh, Skeeter woman, Skeeter woman, so slanderous!
Skeeter woman, pus for pus!
Vengeance is mine!
I'll payback design!

    - CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm

NOTE: The line "Every word she writes is a falsehood...." is a 
paraphrase of (IIRC) a line by Dorothy Parker regarding Lillian 
Hellman.