TBAY: Crouch - C.R.A.B.C.U.S.T.A.R.D. (1 of 9)

Mon Dec 9 01:42:17 UTC 2002

No: HPFGUIDX 47976

"Therapy is what you need," says Cindy, taking a dazed Eileen by the
arm. "What was it Elkins said about Barty Jr.? Be careful what you ask
for?"

"But... but... I liked it," says Eileen. "It was beautiful. I'm going
to be famous, you know. Go down in history as having a starring role
in the Crouch Trilogy Squared."

"Then why are you looking like that?"

"I've lost my entire reputation over Barty Crouch Sr. Comfort-hurt and
all. I feel so twisted, and bent... and dirty. That was so good!"

"Therapy," says Cindy, and drags her off to St. Mungo's to talk with
George. 

"I think it would be best to start at the beginning," says George, as
Eileen lies down on the couch. "You were standing on the promenade
promoting that C.R.A.B.C.U.S.T.A.R.D. of yours," he says, wrinkling
his nose, "when along came Elkins."

"Yes, she came along and admitted Crouch Sr. was dead sexy!"

"That's not how I remember it," says Cindy. "You skipped a whole chunk
of stuff."

"Celebrate your victories when you can. I've won an argument with
Elkins! I feel so elated. She also made me feel like I was seriously
and unredeemably bent, but..."

"But that's not a new feeling for you," says Cindy. "I understand."

"One of the aims of this therapy," says George, ignoring Eileen's
ravings, "will be to channel your emotions towards healthier objects
of  affection. I think we'll take a leaf from Elkins and suggest that
we consider Arthur Weasley as a replacement."

"No," says Eileen blankly.

"Oh, come on," says Cindy, "Nothing wrong with Arthur Weasley.
Everyone loves Arthur Weasley."

"If I were to admit Arthur Weasley was sexy, that would be a matter
for my therapist. Though I am seeing my therapist, it seems, right
now. It's that incest taboo again. You know why I get so hot when you
denigrate Percy Weasley, Cindy?"

"You have a crush on him as well?"

"Absolutely not. Percy Weasley is me. My parents are Arthur and Molly.
I have all those harassing and teasing siblings. I wear glasses. I'm
the bookish, stiff, uptight child. I'm the policy wonk in the family.
And I find Barty Crouch Sr. very appealing."

"It's the jack boots," says Cindy explainingly to George. 

"Apparently," says Eileen. "And that's why I feel so sick and twisted.
Elkins has implied so many horrible things about my psyche. I'm a
modern woman. A feminist. A believer in equality. And Elkins basically
implied that I liked being dominated."

"Well, that's what S.Y.C.O.P.H.A.N.T.S. live with, by definition,
isn't it?" asked Cindy. "I can't see why you're complaining now." 

"And she called me a shameless hussy. Well, I can't be that shameless,
can I, if my face was a deep shade of crimson all through reading that
first post? Let's not even talk about Post Nine, right now."

Cindy looks at George. "I think we should get Elkins in here to talk
her through this."

George shakes his head. "You remember the last therapy session with
Elkins. Besides, do you really think Eileen needs that sort of
influence in her life? Do you remember her when she came on the list?
A normal girl, eighteen, naive, trying to supress her bentness. And
then she met Elkins... and you. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Corrupting the young."

"Well, you're the one dating her," says Cindy huffishly. "Eileen, btw,
you shouldn't date your therapist."

"I've already got enough problems without considering that, thankyou,"
says Eileen. "Anyway, George, Elkins was very vicious about Barty
Crouch Sr. Utterly destroyed his character, she did. And what will
happen is that everyone will go, "Wow!" and not feel up to answering.
But I'm determined to answer every one of those posts."

"I don't think that'll be good for your health," says George.

"We'll see. I'm starting with C.R.A.B.C.U.S.T.A.R.D. which is easiest,
since she basically endorsed my "Voice Crying In the Wilderness" act,
even if she implied that I was messed up. Can anyone ever tell me
again that Barty Crouch Sr. isn't marked by the text as attractive
after Elkins has said he is?" 

"There you go dwelling on the positive again," says Cindy. "You're
delusional. What Elkins had to say was unpleasant. She said that Barty
Crouch was a "spiritually ugly man." 

"Oh, I agree."

"You agree?" says Cindy, her eyes... well, we won't say bulging,
because under the circumstances, that would be very unkind. 

"Yeah. To tell you the truth, I've been stealthily leaving things out
of my Crouch apologetic posts, performing sleights of hand to make
anyone blush. (Like the fact that Black's timeline seemed wrong.) And
Elkins called me on every one of my ommissions, as I rather expected
her to do. And she caught the hints I'd made to the points that told
against me."

"Eileen, which House did you say you were in again?"

"Gryffindor," says Eileen innocently. "But I still rather like Barty
Crouch Sr. Even Elkins's ever-so-bent Crouch. I mean, honestly, could
you imagine he was THAT bent?"

"That's a plus?" asks Cindy.

"We'll get to that later in the series. We'll just deal with this post
right now. Anyway, as I said to her, after that lovely comment about
spiritual ugliness, finding a character sexy has nothing to do 
with approving his actions, any more than finding him sympathetic 
does."

Eileen's eyes are glowing. "He was suave," she says.  "A sharp
dresser.  And brilliant, too -- he spoke over two hundred languages! 
He had a dry sense of humour, and the ability to remain calm in even
the most bizarre circumstances.  He was a terrific actor, just like
his son.  He was  exceptionally charismatic.  People paid attention to
him when he spoke.  He had true power of command.  And on top of all
of that, he  reminds me of King Lear!"

"You found King Lear Dead Sexy?" asks George. "Eileen, that is just so
*Bent!*"

"That's what Elkins said," says Eileen frowning. "No, of course not.
We all know who's Dead Sexy in King Lear."

"I don't want to know," says Cindy. "I don't want to know."

"The manipulative parricide who always speaks in double meanings. If
Lear is an analogue to Crouch Sr., Barty Jr.'s analogue is obviously
Edmund. I read Edmund in our Grade 12 dramatic reading of King Lear,
you know. Dead sexy does not begin to describe that role."

"That's more information that I want to know," says Cindy. 

"OK. Let's get back to the issue at hand. Crouch Sr. is a proud and
seemingly invulnerable man we later come to realize is in fact deeply
wounded.  We see him suffering both nobly and terribly.  That means
that he partakes of Hurt-Comfort! And I really do believe this.
Particularly in light of Part Eight, but we'll get there eventually. I
feel really sorry for him, you know. So yes, Hurt-Comfort is there, I
suppose. "

"Not to mention Comfort-Hurt," comments Cindy

"Would you stop that!" cries Eileen. "For the last time, there is no
such *thing* as Comfort-Hurt!"

"There most definitely is," says Cindy. "Elkins endorsed me on that
one. I told her that you took *comfort* in the knowledge that Crouch
Sr. would not balk at *hurting* you. And she agreed with me. She even
handed me a damaging quote."

> "You said as much yourself," Elkins points out.  "In message #40543.  
> Remember?  You said, 'Elkins, SYCOPHANTS were made to worship Tough 
> people.'  You even said it in 'an impassioned, and curiously 
> trembling voice,' as I seem to recall." 
> 

"'Impassioned and curiously trembling,'" Cindy repeats.

"I...I...well, all right then!  All right!  *Fine!*  So maybe there 
*is* some appeal there.  I'm a SYCOPHANT, aren't I?  And we SYCOPHANTS
really *were* made to worship Tough people, you know. It's in our
contract and everything.  Our knees go *weak* in the face 
of the Tough and the Steely!" Privately, Eileen is wondering what
possessed her to write "impassioned and curiously trembling." 

"I mean," says Eileen. "Where does Elkins think she's lecturing me
from. Dead Sexy Mrs. Lestrange. Who invented Dead Sexy Mrs. Lestrange?
Why won't she try just a taste of my CRAB CUSTARD?  She loved the
man's son.  I assume that was at least in part because of her
appreciation for his brilliance.  His brilliance and his manipulative
talents.  Well, what about his poor father's brilliance?  What about
his poor father's manipulative talents?  Just where do she think Barty
Jr. got that from anyway?"

"From his mother apparently," says Cindy.

"Err.. yes. And she makes a pretty convincing case for that. I'll
never look at the Pensieve scene the same way again. Maybe we could
call it even and say that Barty had dramatic genes on both sides
coming to him. She did agree that the Dark Mark performance was a
masterpiece."

"And Mrs. Crouch was apparently strong, not weak," says Cindy.

"I don't like Mrs. Crouch," says Eileen. 

"It's envy," says Cindy. Eileen winces. 

"Captain Cindy, you are not helping Eileen work out her problems,"
says George sternly. "That was mean."

"But it was funny!" says Cindy. "And apparently, Elkins and Eileen
like that type of humour. They like sadism with a smile. Anyway, Mrs.
Crouch apparently is Tough. Are you going to contest that, Eileen?"

"No," says Eileen, shaking her head. "And I like her the less for it.
I was seriously tempted by Pip's Ever So Evil Mrs. Crouch, as well.
Anyway, you know how Elkins usually likes that sort of thing. Everyone
knows she adores manipulators. So why doesn't she like canny old Crouch?"

"Because you slandered his son," says Cindy. "Said he gave his father
grey hairs. Plus you forgot a certain fact about Elkins when you wrote
that."

"I am rather insensitive in that regard," says Eileen. "Of course,
grey hair can be sexy. It's just. Well, I'm only nineteen, and my hair
is a long, curly gold-brown, and by far, my best point... and so maybe
I do tend towards hairism. But grey hair is perfectly sexy in its own
right. Tell Elkins that for me. I mean, she's right. Lupin's sexy."

"Oh, ok," says Cindy. "Anything else you want to blather about?"

"Cindy!" cries George. "This is therapy. She's supposed to blather."

"Oh no, I'm far too happy with what Elkins finally said. She conceded
that the text does encourage us to read him as charasmatic, that it
doesn't rule out a reading of Crouch as attractive, that it does so in
the ways I mentioned, but also by its repeated allocation of
sexualized subplots to Crouch."

George lifts his eyebrow.

"Yeah, I hadn't noticed that either," says Eileen. "But she's right on
the money about Winky and Percy. We'll talk about Winky/Crouch later,
but she's right that there is a sexual subtext in both those cases.
And, as she pointed out, Crouch is the only character to get that sort
of treatment."

"So then what?" asks George.

"She said Crouch Sr. was Dead Sexy."

"Not exactly," says Cindy. "What she really said was "All *right!*
Dead Sexy.  *IF* you happen to like that sort of thing.  Which I
myself absolutely do *NOT! Okay?  Enough?  Does that *SATISFY* you,
Eileen?  Are you *HAPPY* now?"

"Are you?" asks George.

Eileen considers the question for a moment, then smiles.  

"Yes," she says. 

> *********************************************************************
> 
> REFERENCES:
> 
> Opening TBAY scenario: #43326
> 
> Eileen's original CRAB CUSTARD manifesto: #37476.
> 
> Crouch: #45693, #45402, #44636, #40543, #43010 and 
> downthread responses.
> 
> Acronyms: #35630, #37498.
> 
> Ever So Evil Mrs. Crouch: #39573. 
> 
> ESE Winky: #39102.
> 
> Hurt-Comfort: #39083 and downthread responses.  
> 
> Comfort-Hurt: #43373 and downthread responses.
> 
> For further explanation of the acronyms and theories in this post, 
> visit Hypothetic Alley at
> http://www.i2k.com/~svderark/lexicon/faq/ 
> and Inish Alley at
> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/database?
> method=reportRows&tbl=13