FILK: If I Were a Wizard

[marinafrants <rusalka@ix.netcom.com>]

No: HPFGUIDX 48173

If I Were a Wizard
To the tune of "If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof.

SCENE: Having enrolled in a Kwikspell course, Argus Filch fantasizes 
about the joys of being a wizard.

FILCH:
I realize, of course, that's it's no shame to be a Squib.
But it's no great honor, either.
So what would've been so terrible if I had a little magic?

If I were a wizard,
Alohamora-mora-mora-mora-diddle-dum!
All day long I'd Reparo-paro-pum,
If I was a magic man.
Wouldn't have to scrub floors.
Leviosa-osa-osa-diddle-dum!
If I was a biddy-biddy wiz,
Reparo-paro magic man.

I'd build a great big tower with bars on the windows
Right in the middle of the school,
With thick stone walls and a nasty dungeon full of rats
There would be cold dark cells where I could lock up
All the snotty little kids who break the rules,
And a torture chamber for the Weasley brats.

I'd cast a spell to turn bad children into furry mice
For my little cat to chase.
No one would misbehave again, at least not twice,
I'd teach them all to know their place!
They'd respect me if I were a magic man.

If I were a wizard,
Expelliarmus-armus-armus-diddle-dum!
All day long I'd Reparo-paro-pum,
If I was a magic man.
Wouldn't have to scrub floors.
Serpensortia-tia-tia-diddle-dum!
If I was a biddy-biddy wiz,
Reparo-paro magic man.

I see my cat, Mrs. Norris, being my familiar,
With her soft and silky fur,
Sleeping on a velvet cushion by the fire.
I see her playing in her own catnip garden,
Then curling up in my lap to purr.
To what more can a wizard's cat aspire?

The big shots from the Ministry would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
As if I was Dumbledore.
"If you please, Mr. Filch
"
"Pardon me, Mr. Filch
"
Bowing low to me and groveling on the floor!
And it won't make one bit of difference what I do or what I say,
When you're a wizard they assume you're always right.

If I were magic, I could do what I want,
I would cast a new spell every day.
I'd dine at the staff table in the Great Hall,
And tell the professors `bout the spells I've cast,
And they would nod their heads and say,
That I'm the greatest wizard of them all.

If I were a wizard,
Alohamora-mora-mora-mora-diddle-dum!
All day long I'd Reparo-paro-pum,
If I was a magic man.
Wouldn't have to scrub floors.
Leviosa-osa-osa-diddle-dum!
If I was a biddy-biddy wiz,
Reparo-paro magic man.

Marina
rusalka at ix.netcom.com