I'm Good To Fence Tonight (filk)

[Caius Marcius <coriolan_cmc@hotmail.com>]

No: HPFGUIDX 48473

Continuing the recent sequence of filks from Broadway classics

..

I'm Good To Fence Tonight (CoS, Chap. 11)

To the tune of I Could Have Danced All Night, from Lerner and Loewe's 
My Fair Lady

Hear a MIDI at

http://www.broadwaymidi.com/shows/my_fair_lady.html

Dedicated to Ashfae, an MFL fan 

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. Hogwarts students are excited over the 
prospect of a Dueling Club – until they learn who will be teaching 
it
...

CHORUS OF STUDENTS
Board, board, upon the notice board,
A Dueling Club is now coming around
Train, train, who'll train us in this fight?
It looks like it will be that Lockhart clown

(Enter LOCKHART, followed by an ill-tempered SNAPE)

LOCKHART
I'm good to fence tonight 
Dark Arts Defense, that's right
With wands instead of blades

All of my published works
Show I'm a Captain Kirk
In robes deep plum in shade

Now you will see why all find me exciting
When with my aide I show my skill
And when I cry Expelliarmus you will tell
I'm good to fence, fence, fence all night

SLYTHERINS
Snape's full of wrath now

HUFFLEPUFFS
Just do the math now

RAVENCLAWS & GRYFFINDORS
Lockhart will soon be dead

(LOCKHART repeats his previous verses. CHORUS sings the following in 
counterpoint)

CHORUS (to LOCKHART)
Retire now, or you'll be dead. 
Your doom's foregone, it's straight ahead. 
Lockhart, goodnight; let not bedbugs bite;
Is it really true your folks were too inbred?
Come run away, while you've a chance
Or Snape will slay you with a glance 
Lockhart the late; Snape will cremate
Sir, you'll lie in state. 
Put down your wand, we'll never tell; 
Now spread your robes and run like hell.

SNAPE (to himself)
This guy is dense, all right
He's not a Mensa Knight
Watch for my scarlet flash

Although its impolite
I cannot stand his sight
Him into wall I'll smash

Now he will see what started me knife-fighting
Why I at once felt hate-filled spite
It's `cause I know that blonde ain't fit to hold a wand
Lockhart I'll damn, damn, damn all night!

(End music. Wands raised, SNAPE & LOCKHART face one another in "the 
accepted combative position")

LOCKHART (spoken) One – two – three
..

SNAPE (spoken) Expelliarmus!

(Snape's spell blasts Lockhart off his feet and hurls him backward 
against a wall)

LOCKHART (struggling to his feet, looking not unlike Wile E. Coyote 
on a bad day) Well, there you have it! 

(LOCKHART again topples over backwards)

   -	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm