SHIP(TBAY)R/H vs. H/H vs. FITD--Banging

[susannahlm <susannahlm@yahoo.com>]

No: HPFGUIDX 48909

(Apologies in advance to Captain Cindy, in case she's really a 
hopeless romantic, and about the flying ships, to anyone who hates 
them.)  



Derannimer is lying prone on the beach. 

She has a headache.

She stayed up *far* too late in George's Tavern the other night, 
dipping into the Great Snape Discussion, and left and took a walk 
along the shore to clear her head, but it doesn't seem to have worked 
very well. 

She wishes that her head would stop making those loud exploding 
noises. 

*Ow.*

The beach shakes slightly, as another one of those exploding noises 
sounds off, and it suddenly occurs to Derannimer that possibly it is 
not her head that is responsible for the noises in the first place. 

Derannimer raises herself painfully, squinting out over the bright 
water as she props one elbow in the sand. 

The sight before her eyes makes her jaw drop open. 

*Ships.*

The water shines white in the sun, as little yachts, speedboats, 
cruise ships, skim across the surface. But Derannimer is not looking 
at the water. 

Above the Bay, hanging somehow in the glaring sapphire of the sky, 
are two vast galleons. A haze of smoke is not sufficient to hide the 
color of fire, as it sparks and flames from the two mighty vessels, 
which are rolling, not on the waves, but on the wind, and rocking 
from the force of one another's cannon fire. 

It is utterly beautiful. 

If in a rather violent way. 

A cannonball scuds into the sand about a hundred yards from 
Derannimer's position. She gets up, balancing carefully, and backs 
away from the water's edge. 

She backs into somebody, and falls down again. The balancing still 
needs a little work. 

"Oh, I-I'm sorry," she stutters, red-faced at her clumsiness. "I'm 
sorry, I didn't realize. . ."

Her voice trails off, as she looks up to see Captain Cindy staring 
down at her, plainly somewhat concerned. 

"Have you been out since that whole Snape thing?" asks the Captain. 

"Yes, I think. I think there might have been something worng with my 
drink, I--"

"Brandy?"

"No, why?"

"Never mind, go on." 

"I had the *oddest* dream, I dreamt that Elkins came back to the Bay, 
down to the *beach*, and spoke for a whole *day* about *Barty Crouch 
Senior,* of all weird things, and I was tremendously enlightened and 
impressed, but there was this *horse,* and I didn't like it *at all,* 
and--"

"Neither did I." The Captain's face is grim. 

Derannimer is momentarily baffled. "You. . .

"Oh. 

"That really *happened?*"

"Yup." 

Derannimer senses a certain rummy something in the Captain's manner. 
Possibly it was the horse. She feels that she'd best change the 
subject, as her head (though improving) is still in no condition to 
deal with certain rummy somethings. 

She gestures towards the still-flashing spectacle above the waters. 

"What's--" she waves a vague arm seawards--"all *that?*" 

The Captain snorts. 

"It's a shipping war. The vessels involved are the S.S. H/H and the 
Good Ship R/H, and they've been at it like this since the beginning 
of the list--I mean even when we were with Yahoo *Clubs.*" 

Seeing the rather shocked look on Derannimer's face, the Captain 
hastens to clarify. 

"I don't mean they've been at it like this *nonstop* all this time. 
No, most of the time, the crews are content to loll around below 
deck, drinking and reading fanfics, but every few months, they 
apparently get bored and try to blast each other out of--or maybe 
*into*--the water." The Captain snorts again. "Can't say I go in for 
that sort of thing myself." 

Derannimer, who has still been working out the first sentence of this 
explanation, suddenly brightens. 

"Oh! The whole Harry/Hermione/Ron thing." 

"Yup." 

"I take it you don't ship?" 

"I don't go out there engaging in Pitched Naval Combat about it. If 
you want to do that, heaven knows there are more interesting things 
to fight about." 

Derannimer sits in silence for a moment, watching the great ships out 
over the Bay. Words of fire pattern onto the sky each time a cannon 
goes off, shimmering as they fall through the bright sky. You can 
follow the fight right from the shore. After a minute, Derannimer 
notices something.  

"Those ships aren't fighting on the Bay," she says quietly. 

"Well, duh." The Captain is looking at Derannimer, frowning. "They're 
fighting in the sky." 

"I know *that.* I meant--" 

"Shipping wars almost *never* take place on Theory Bay. Most of the 
biggest shippers never even come down here--I mean, sure, they've got 
those rope ladders, but they generally--" 

"I meant--" Derannimer has decided to raise her voice somewhat--
 "more than that. I mean, they aren't fighting in a Bay *way.* 

"I mean look at them," she continues. "No weird acronyms, no 
metaphors, half of the crew members--on *both* ships--are fighting on 
horseback, which can't be the most efficient way to do things; 
it's. . . so *different.*" 

"You have to understand, Derannimer: shipping is *not* 
theorizing. "Oh R/H are so *cute* together!" is not theorizing. 
Neither is "Oh but R/H *bicker* so much!" by the way. Both those 
ships are in the business of *predicting;* they're looking forward to 
events that haven't even happened yet, and are *heavily* influenced 
by the personal preferences of the crew, and--" 

"No one's even done a basic Bang assessment!" Derannimer's eyes are 
wide with shock. 

"Not even *I* try to make the shippers do a Bang assessment. Repeat 
after me: 'Shipping is different.' They just don't do things the same 
way as we do down here." 

Derannimer is feeling stubborn. This doesn't seem to make a lot of 
sense. 

"But look here," she says. "As the Captain of the Big Bang destroyer, 
surely you look for Bang wherever it can be found, right?" 

"Heavens yes." 

"I mean, you even tried to make Neville's *toad* Bang once, so--"

"Can't everyone just forget about that," mutters Captain Cindy. 

--"*so,* why can't this whole triangle Bang? I mean, I know that you 
don't like to ascribe purely romantic motivations to people, but all 
the same, the H/R/H dispute is about the *main darn characters.* If 
they start falling in love with each other, in *any* permutation, 
shouldn't that have some effect on the story line? Do you really 
think that JKR would throw it in just for an "awww" moment? And if it 
effects the story line, then--according to the Big Bang's charter--
it's going to effect it with a major Bang. 

"So, even if the whole argument is about competing predictions, maybe 
we could evaluate the predictions the same way we eveluate Theory Bay 
arguments." Derannimer thinks for a minute. "Anyway," she says, "that 
whole Snape thing back. . . whenever that was, was really a matter of 
competing predictions, and the comparative Banginess of the two. You 
know, Assassin vs. Saboteur. Which one is more Bangy. I really don't 
see why we can't do the same thing here." 

"But shipping is--" 

"Look. JKR is going to write the H/R/H matter the same way that she's 
going to write everything else. Why can't we theorize about it the 
same way we theorize about everything else?" 

Captain Cindy still looks slightly unconvinced, so Derannimer 
adds: "Anyway, if we do, we can sit here and watch the battle. It 
looks really pretty, up in the sky and all." 

The Captain finally shrugs and sits down on the sand next to 
Derannimer. 

"Right then," says the Captain, "so first of all, I trust you *do* 
know the proper definition of Bang." 

"The 'Big Bang' theory," recites Derannimer, "is an all-encompassing 
approach to canon theorizing based on the notion that JKR herself 
prefers to use highly dramatic, cinematic, or even melodramatic 
events to serve as catalytic turning points in her characters' lives.

"It can be applied to other areas than character analysis," she adds 
after a minute. "Again, the Snape discussion was more related to plot 
twists than to character twists." 

"Okay," nods the Captain. "So--

"Posit: Ron falls for Hermione, Hermione reciprocates. Bang Analysis: 
give it a shot." 

"Okay. . . um. . . " Derannimer isn't entirely comfortable with the 
idea of doing a Bang Analysis while she's sitting right next to 
Captain Cindy and her Big Paddle. "Um. . . not great." 

"*That* is not an answer." 

"Right, right," says Derannimer hastily. "Well then. . ." She thinks 
for a moment, then nods her head. 

"Well, first of all, we've all been *predicting* Ron/Hermione since 
halfway through Book 4. I mean, good grief, a lot of the R/H people 
say they've been predicting it since the end of Book 2, what with 
the "Eat slugs" incident and everything. So none of the readers would 
really be surprised. You'd have to pretty dense (or Ron) not to have 
seen *that* one coming for a while. 

"Also, it doesn't do much for character development, and certainly 
not in a catalytic sort of way. After all, Ron is (by nearly 
everybody's admission) in love with Hermione already. And, given that 
he has abandoned his animus towards Viktor Krum at the end of GOF, 
enough for an autograph anyway, he may even have already *realized* 
that he's in love with her. If he realizes that his earlier fight 
with Hermione wasn't really over Krum, then he may well have wised up 
enough to realize what it *was* over. 

"So, there's no Bang from Ron falling for her--that's already 
happened. There's no Bang from knowing that he's fallen for her--he 
already knows, or at least has a fourteen-year-old boy's dim 
perception of it. 

"And I'm sorry, but I can't see much Bang if Hermione falls for him 
back either. Both of those ships *agree* that Harry doesn't currently 
care about Hermione that way, so no jealousy or other interesting 
stuff. Both of those ships *agree* (for the most part) that R/H does 
not 'destabilize' the Trio in the way that H/H would. 

"So Hermione falls for Ron and. . . what? Harry hangs out around the 
Owlery a bit more frequently? Harry hangs out with Ginny a bit more 
frequently, and we get ourselves One Big Happy Weasley Family?" 

"Ick," interupts Cindy. 

"Ick indeed. Ron and Hermione get somewhat uncomfortable around each 
other for a while, then go out to Hogsmeade, snog and live Happily 
Ever After?" 

There is a moment of silence. 

Then the Captain speaks. "Fizzle." 

"Yeah." Derannimer nods. "Even if you don't like romantic 
motivations, romantic motivations can motivate you to do something a 
whole lot more interesting than *that.* I mean, really. Where can you 
*go,* in terms of Bang, with Ron/Hermione. Do you have a bottle?" 

"Huh?"

"Do you have an empty bottle?"

"Um. . . Accio Perrier!" 

After a minute, a small glass bottle comes whizzing down the shore 
from the direction of George's Tavern, to slap neatly into Cindy's 
palm. As the Captain uncorks it, Derannimer notices that that the 
water inside seems to be bubbling to an unusual degree. Also that 
there is steam coming out of the bottle's mouth. "Must be imagining 
it," Derannimer thinks to herself, as the Captain chugs it down. 

"Now I do," says the Captain, handing the (oddly hot) bottle to 
Derannimer. "Guess I'll pay George later. What did you want it for, 
anyway?" 

Derannimer scribbles the words, "Where can you *go,* in terms of 
Bang, with Ron/Hermione," onto a piece of paper, stuffs it into the 
bottle, and Banishes the bottle towards the right-most of the two 
flying ships. The bottle appears to clonk someone on the head. 

"I wanted an R/H crewman to answer the question," she 
replies. "Right, so, where were we?" 

"Fizzle," Captain Cindy reminds her. "Try H/H." 

"Why can't *you* try H/H? Why am I doing all of this?"

The Captain looks at her. Derannimer looks at the Captain's Big 
Paddle. 

"Or not," says Derannimer hastily. "Right then, H/H. 

"Um. . . better, actually. No one really *expects* it at this point; 
a lot of people are rooting for it, but no one really expects it. It 
would be more of a surprise. . . it would shock Harry, really. . . it 
would cause *immense* problems with Jealous!Ron--Ron really is 
vulnerable that way, you know. . . it would throw the Trio out of 
whack. . . yeah, not doing too bad here. 

"But in the end. . . well, here's the thing. Clearly, the character 
who would be most profoundly affected by Harry/Hermione would be Ron. 
It *might* intensify his jealousy, separate him from Harry in a way 
that could have pretty serious plot consequences later in the story. 
But the operative word here is "might." If Hermione felt that way 
about Harry, and Harry felt that way about Hermione, then I honestly 
do think that Ron would forgive Harry. I don't think he would stand 
in Harry's way. Ron is immensly loyal." 

"Well, so. . ." The Captain is waiting rather impatiently. 

"So?"

"H/H is a bit Bangier, and decidedly less sappy, than R/H is. I mean, 
at least with H/H, you get some. . . some *anger* and *resentment* 
and *bitterness.* But that is not quite what we are looking for, is 
it? We need a *Bang.*" 

Derannimer nods. "I know. How's this then: Hermione feels that way 
about Harry, and Harry *doesn't* feel that way about Hermione." 

Comprehension dawns on the Captain's face. "Oh, is this that. . . 
what is it, Farmer in the Valley thing?" She makes a scoffing 
noise. "I don't know, it sounds pretty convoluted to me." 

"It's "Farmer in the Dell," and it is admittedly a touch convoluted. 
Ron loves Hermione, Hermione loves Harry, Harry couldn't care less. 
Or, at the most, Harry notices and feels vaguely guilty. 

"*Ron,* however, feels more than vaguely guilty. Now Captain Cindy, 
even though I know you don't like romantic motivations, but really. 
Think about it for a minute. Ronald Weasley, sixth son in a vibrant 
family of poor over-achievers; never stands out at home--how could 
anyone, with Bill and Charlie and Fred and George and even Perfect 
Percy around--never stands out at school, with average grades, and 
second-hand robes, and a best friend who outshines nearly everyone in 
a room with pure *talent*, and another best friend who has the best 
grades in the school. Ronald Weasley, friends with Harry Potter--
Harry who made the Quidditch team as a first year, and is extremely 
rich, and got the Marauder's Map, although *Ron* was Fred and 
George's brother, and gets more attention from Mrs. Weasley than her 
youngest son does, and is just so darn *celebrated,* while Ron is 
just so darn *obscure.* Now imagine that Ron falls in love with 
Hermione, which is awkward, and confusing, because she is a friend, 
and imagine that he *somehow* works up the courage to give her an 
idea of this, and then we have a restaging of the "Cedric. Cedric 
Diggory" moment, where a furiously red-faced Hermione rather clumsily 
(because this is awkward for her too) explains that no, she doesn't 
like him like that, actually, she likes *Harry* like that, and 'Oh 
Ron, honestly--I'm your *friend.*' 

"And then Harry doesn't even *notice,* and continues mooning around 
Cho like a loony sheep, and poor Ron has to watch the girl he likes 
being horribly uncomfortable over his best friend, who already has 
everything in the world (or so it must seem) and who is now 
*rejecting,* without a second's thought, the thing that Ron so wants. 

"I mean, how could you *bear* that? Or more to the point, how could 
*Ron* bear that, Ron who sees himself standing alone in glory in the 
mirror of Erised, Ron who, as Hermione says, is frequently biting 
back jealousy of Harry already. 

"Ooh, no" says Derannimer with an odd sort of relish. "I don't think 
Ron would deal well with that at *all.* It might be enough to push 
him over the edge." 

Captain Cindy really doesn't seem quite convinced. "Yeah, but. . . 
I'm sorry, I don't care *how* much he's crushing on her, I really 
don't want to think that Ron would. . . what, *betray Harry?* Just 
Out of Luv? I don't know, that sounds pretty--" 

"No,no, not that. I mean, first of all, it wouldn't be out of love, 
not really. It would be out of jealousy in general; love would just 
be the final straw. And second of all, I don't see Ron deliberately 
betraying Harry under any circumstances whatsoever. No. But I can 
imagine him getting jealous and angry enough to lose his temper and 
somehow be *fooled* into betraying him. He'd feel utterly hideous 
about later of course, but the damage would be done." Seeing the 
still uncertain look on Cindy's face, Derannimer adds, "After all, 
those are Ron's big faults, aren't they, at this point--jealousy and 
*hot-headedness.* Those two traits could come together to produce 
some pretty big problems down the road. Especially with the kind of 
provocation provided by Farmer in the Dell. 

"Anyway," Derannimer stands up and brushes the sand off her 
wetsuit. "It's an idea." 

She stands there for moment, uncertain, then decides to take the 
plunge. 

"Captain Cindy, would you consider signing me on as a crewman on the 
Big Bang destroyer?" 

Seeing the look of surprise on the Captain's face, Derannimer starts 
talking more quickly. "I mean, I know you're a really tyrannical 
captain and all, and that I'd have to scrub the deck with my 
toothbrush, and I'm not sure that I agree with all of your past Bang 
Assessments, and I know that I was arguing with you about     
Assassin!Snape, but I *really* want to come on board, and I've got an 
old toothbrush, and I'd carry your Big Paddle for you if you--" 
hastily backing away from the look on the Captain's face--"but I can 
quite see that you don't want anyone else carrying your Big Paddle, 
so forget about that, but. . . *please?*" 



Derannimer (standing with a hopeful look on her face)