TBAY/SHIP: Romance On The Big Bang (WAS SHIP(TBAY)R/H vs. H/H vs. FITD--

[Cindy C. <cindysphynx@comcast.net>]

No: HPFGUIDX 48961

Cindy gingerly picked her way along the isolated strand of beach, 
squinting against the harsh afternoon sun.  Shore leave for the Big 
Bang had ended weeks earlier, but few Big Bang crewmembers had 
reported for duty.  She shook her head forlornly, suddenly consumed 
with nagging doubt about her preparedness for the coming storm.  She 
was so distracted that she took no notice of the woman who staggered 
into the backs of her legs.

"Derannimer?  Is that you?"  Cindy heaved Derannimer to her feet, 
catching her as she began to sag back into the warm, white 
sand. "Have you been out since that whole Snape brawl?" 

"Yes," Derannimer mumbled vaguely.  "Yes, I think. I think there 
might have been something wrong with my drink, I--"

Cindy peered into Derannimer's clear hazel eyes.  "That's not what's 
going on here.  This has nothing to do with brandy.  You . . .  
you've been *Banging,* haven't you?" she demanded.

"Yes, I -–"  Derannimer hesitated briefly, then the words tumbled 
from her in a rush.  "It's the shipping war, Captain. The vessels 
involved are the S.S. H/H and the Good Ship R/H, and they've been at 
it like this since the beginning of the list--I mean even when we 
were with Yahoo *Clubs.*"

"And you think you can get a Bang out of those -– those *romantic 
SHIPs?" Cindy smirked.  "Oh, this I gotta see."

Derannimer straightened herself to her fullest height and squared her 
shoulders before continuing.  "Shipping wars almost *never* take 
place on Theory Bay."

"Well, thank goodness for that, sailor," Cindy said, lowering her 
voice conspiratorially.  "Let's talk turkey here -- shipping is *not* 
theorizing. `Oh R/H are so *cute* together!' is not theorizing. 
Neither is `Oh but R/H *bicker* so much!' by the way. Both those 
ships are in the business of *predicting;* they're looking forward to 
events that haven't even happened yet, and are *heavily* influenced 
by the personal preferences of the crew, and -- Not even *I* try to 
make the shippers do a Bang assessment. Repeat after me: 'Shipping is 
different.'"

"Not so fast," Derannimer said, suddenly feeling a wave of 
courage. "Why can't this whole Ron/Harry/Hermione triangle Bang? I 
mean, I know that you don't like to ascribe purely romantic 
motivations to people, but all the same, the H/R/H dispute is about 
the *main darn characters.* If they start falling in love with each 
other, in *any* permutation, shouldn't that have some effect on the 
story line?"

"Oh, it will have an effect, all right.  It will *Ruin Everything!*" 
Cindy shrieked.  "There's supposed to be a *war* on, for cryin' out 
loud.  People are going to betray each other!  They are going to 
ambush and torture and control and murder each other!  Someone Huge 
is going to die! OoP will have 38 chapters, and I fully expect to see 
at least 38 Monster Bangs!

"And with all that first-rate Banging going on, you expect to see 
people -–" Cindy wrinkled her nose in severe distaste –- "*kissing?*  
Holding hands?  Batting their eyelashes at one another?  And you 
expect me of all people to see that –- that *romance* -- as Bangy?"
 
Derannimer closed her eyes briefly against this assault, balling her 
hands into fist.  "Come *on,* Cindy!   Do you really think that JKR 
would throw it in just for an `awww' moment? And if it effects the 
story line, then--according to the Big Bang's charter--it's going to 
effect it with a major Bang, so --"

"Hold up, hold up," Cindy broke in.  "Just because something effects 
the story line doesn't make it Bangy.  Oh, no.  No, no, no.  If 
something affects the plot enough, it can be spared from the 
GARBAGESCOW maybe.  If it effects the storyline, maybe there is an 
argument that it is not superfluous."  Cindy raised her chin 
slightly, planting both hands firmly on her hips.  "But the mere fact 
that something is not superfluous doesn't qualify it for Big Bang."

"Are you saying," Derannimer challenged, "that romance is completely 
disqualified from Big Bang?  That the mere fact that you personally 
find romance uninspiring precludes any traditional SHIP theory from a 
berth on the Big Bang?  Is that what you're trying to say, Captain?"  
She took a step forward, jabbing her index finger at Cindy's 
chest.  "Well, *is* it?  Need I remind you, Captain, that Big Bang is 
an all-encompassing approach to canon theorizing based on the notion 
that JKR herself prefers to use highly dramatic, cinematic, or even 
melodramatic events to serve as catalytic turning points in her 
characters' lives.  Are you saying that romance can never, ever 
constitute a catalytic turning point in a person's life?"

There was a long silence. "Oh, you've got spunk," Cindy allowed.  "I 
like that in a theorist.

"OK, then.  Romantic shipping theories aren't disqualified from Big 
Bang.  I will concede the point."

Derannimer blinked.  "You are conceding the point?" Derannimer echoed 
dully.  "But you never -–"

"I just happen to think there is no way any of the shipping theories 
I have heard can possibly bang.  No way.  For one thing, you will 
always have a terrible `Tew Eww to be Treww' problem with any 
shipping theory on Big Bang."

"Well, it won't be easy, that's for sure," Derannimer nodded 
sagely.  "I mean, Ron/Hermione is a total Dud.   We've all been 
*predicting* Ron/Hermione since halfway through Book 4.  Good grief, 
a lot of the R/H people say they've been predicting it since the end 
of Book 2, what with the `Eat slugs' incident and everything. So none 
of the readers would really be surprised. You'd have to pretty dense 
(or Ron) not to have seen *that* one coming for a while."

"Oh, you've got a real flare for bang assessment," Cindy encouraged, 
grinning broadly.  "R/H is too obvious.  It is also way too popular.  
In the shipping poll, R/H was the most popular choice.  That ought to 
be enough to rule it out right there.  As we all know, JKR never does 
the obvious or the popular."  Cindy paused, savoring the moment. "Try 
H/H," she goaded. 

"Um. . . better, actually," Derannimer allowed reluctantly.  "No one 
really *expects* it at this point; a lot of people are rooting for 
it, but no one really expects it.  H/H is a bit Bangier, and 
decidedly less sappy, than R/H is. I mean, at least with H/H, you get 
some. . . some *anger* and *resentment* and *bitterness.* But that is 
not quite what we are looking for, is it?  We need a *Bang.*" 

Derannimer nods, comprehension flickering across her young face. "I 
know. How's this then: Hermione feels that way about Harry, and Harry 
*doesn't* feel that way about Hermione.  It's `Farmer in the Dell,' 
and it is admittedly a touch convoluted. Ron loves Hermione, Hermione 
loves Harry, Harry couldn't care less."

Cindy blanched.  "Oh, come *on!*"  she protested.  "This is not 
supposed to be some sleazy romance novel.  If you do this 'Farmer in 
the Dell' thing, you've got romance and kissing and flirting coming 
out of your ears.  How are you going to sustain any interest in the 
war with all of these darn *mating rituals* going on?  All of that 
sappy stuff will be sticking to the bottom of your shoes!  

"And frankly, people who are consumed with love get *boring,* OK?  
You know it, and I know it.  They are distracted.  They sit by the 
owlery.  They pine.  They gain weight.  They are useless.  You sure 
you want to read a book in which all the major characters are 
teenagers writing little love notes to each other and exchanging 
promise rings?"

Derannimer peered at her.  "You, er, didn't have much fun in high 
school, did you?"

"Never mind that," Cindy growled.  "Here's the thing.  I have yet to 
hear an argument about how the relationships between the trio become 
closer or more compelling if you add in a romance element.  The trio 
all care deeply about each other right now.  They would risk their 
lives for each other.  They have been through quite a lot together so 
far, and I don't see how romance would make those bonds stronger.

"No, I think that if we start seeing major romance among the child 
characters, we will see it with characters who are not already so 
closely connected to the trio."

"I don't follow you," Derannimer said slowly.

"If I were do a bit of shipping," Cindy said thoughtfully, "I 
wouldn't ship among the trio.  No, I'd link Hermione with someone 
else.  Someone who will definitely be important in future books.  
Someone she cares about just a bit, but it has to be a relationship 
that is not someone for whom Hermione would risk her life right now."

"Well, that rules out Harry and Ron," Derannimer said.  "Surely you 
don't mean Draco?"

Cindy rolled her eyes and snorted derisively.  "Uh, no.  Draco is 
*hardly* being positioned as an important ally of the Trio in future 
books.  Try again."

"Seamus?  Dean Thomas?  Percy?  Charlie?  Bill?"

"Well, any of those are possible," Cindy allowed.  "But I don't think 
they are the best choice, though.  Only Percy has any real hope of 
being really important, and Hermione/Percy is, well . . . it's kind 
of *sickening,* honestly."

"Neville?" Derannimer asked, her eyes wide.  "You're going with 
*Hermione/Neville?*"

"Keep your voice down!" Cindy hissed.  "Yes.  If you *force* me to 
SHIP -– if you make me do it right out here in public and everything 
-– I will go with Hermione/Neville as both the most canonical and 
least superfluous SHIP.  We know Hermione has been kind to Neville.  
We know Neville will be important in future books.  We know Neville 
is ripe for some development.  So Hermione/Neville it is, then."  

"Uh . . ." Derannimer managed.  "It's . . . an idea.  I guess." She 
stood there for moment, uncertain, then decided to take the plunge. 

"Captain Cindy, would you consider signing me on as a crewman on the 
Big Bang destroyer?" she asked hopefully.

Cindy regarded Derannimer for a moment, her eyes narrowed with 
suspicion.  "Sailor, how long have you been in the Bay?"

"Uh . . .  I joined just a few months ago," Derannimer said, her 
throat tight.  "I read Hypothetic Alley.  The whole thing, Captain.  
It took *forever.*"

Cindy folded her arms across her chest.  "And how many times have you 
posted, Sailor?"

"Well, I -– five times, Captain," Derannimer whispered.

"And what kind of posts were they?" Cindy prompted.

"All of them . . . they were all TBAY posts, Captain.  No FILKS.  Not 
yet, anyway."  Derannimer's voice trailed off, and she glanced 
downward, avoiding Cindy's penetrating stare.

There was an awkward silence.  Derannimer shuffled her feet nervously 
and opened her mouth to speak.  "You know, maybe I should just --"

"Derannimer, I'd be absolutely delighted to have you on board the Big 
Bang."

Derannimer looked up quickly, her eyes wide.  "Oh, thank you 
Captain!  You won't be sorry! I know you're a really tyrannical 
captain and all, and that I'd have to scrub the deck with my 
toothbrush, and I'm not sure that I agree with all of your past Bang 
Assessments, and I know that I was arguing with you about Assassin!
Snape, but I'll be a loyal crew member and I've got an old 
toothbrush, and I'd carry your Big Paddle for you if you --"  She 
stopped suddenly.  "Or maybe not.  Maybe forget that last part --" 

"Well, let's try something a little different here," Cindy said.  She 
extended her Big Paddle toward Derannimer, who flinched imperceptibly 
before grasping the massive hilt.  

"Why don't you hang onto it for me for a while and let me know how it 
feels?"

Cindy


*********
REFERENCES

The SHIPping poll can be found at 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/surveys?id=511774.  The 
Hermione/Neville SHIP received 0% of the votes.

************

Hypothetic Alley:

http://www.i2k.com/~svderark/lexicon/faq/hypotheticalley.html

Inish Alley:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/database?
method=reportRows&tbl=13