TBAY/SHIP: Romance on the Big Bang

[susannahlm <susannahlm@yahoo.com>]

No: HPFGUIDX 49025

"Well, let's try something a little different here," Cindy said. She 
extended her Big Paddle toward Derannimer, who flinched imperceptibly 
before grasping the massive hilt. 


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As the weather-polished wood of the heavy paddle hits Derannimer's 
hand, she visibly blanches. She considers emitting a high-pitched 
squawking noise, but decides that it wouldn't impress the Captain. 

Why in the world did Captain Cindy just hand her her Big Paddle? 

What in the world is a peaceable sort like herself supposed to *do* 
with the Big Paddle? 

Although. . . 

A strange sort of evil smirk spreads its unpleasant self over 
Derannimer's countenance. 

This is a very *big* Big Paddle. 

It can do a lot of damage. 

It might be interesting to try and hit someone with it. 

It *might* be interesting to try and hit someone with it. 

Power. It can do odd things. 

Dimly, Derannimer perceives a form standing in front of her. 

"Well, I've got to get back to my ship. Got to try and round up the 
darn crew. I swear, Derannimer, if you think *you're* going to be 
getting shore leave this. . . Derannimer? Hello?"

The form is well within striking distance of the Big Paddle. 

It might be interesting to--

"SAILOR!"


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Derannimer whips her head up, clarity slapping back into her brain 
with the Captain's sharp voice. The smirk, which had reached quite 
troubling proportions, abrubtly vanishes. 

"Aah! Captain!"

The Captain is looking at Derannimer in some concern. The girl had an 
awfully odd look on her face a minute ago. 

"Captain, please," Derannimer carefully holds the Paddle out to 
Cindy. "Please, I *really* think you better keep this. I *really* 
don't think I'm cut out to carry this thing around." 

"But--" 

"*Really.* I mean. . . *really.*" 

The Captain is somewhat confused--really, why wouldn't anyone want to 
carry the Big Paddle? Dead useful and all--but, recalling how really 
very odd Derannimer had looked, hefts her Big Paddle back out of 
Derannimer's hands anyway. 

"Oh, well," she says, shrugging, "I'll be getting on back to the 
ship, anyway." 

Derannimer watches her go for a minute, biting her lip. Maybe she 
should. . . she had been thinking about it before that Paddle 
incident. . . she didn't want to be hauled up for mutiny the very day 
she made crewman, but. . . 

"Captain!" she calls after Cindy. 

The Captain stops and turns around, to see Derannimer jogging towards 
her. She waits for the girl to catch up, then continues striding 
forward. Derannimer (still jogging slightly) falls into step with 
her. 

"Captain, there's. . . well, there's a problem." 

"What kind of a problem?"

"Well. . . " Derannimer is really not sure how to say this. "Well, 
you see, I'm not a SYCOPHANT." 

Judging from the look on Cindy's face, comprehension has yet to 
dawn. "Um. . . fine. Should you be?" 

"No, I mean--what I mean is--well, unlike SYCOPHANTS, I'm not always 
particularly conflict-adverse."

Cindy laughs heartily. "Good! A conflict-adverse crewmen is not 
always the best thing to have on a destroyer! So I don't think 
there's going to be a. . . 

"Oh," she says, suddenly wary. Derannimer is striding in an oddly 
determined way. Except she is jogging. Jogging in an oddly determined 
way. "Right then," says the Captain, and stops walking. "What's the 
problem?" 

Derannimer, grateful, stops as well. She draws herself up to her full 
height, which is not great, as she addresses the Captain. 

"Captain, you evaded a great many of my points back there." 

Derannimer suddenly understands what Elkins means when she refers to 
the "Cinister one." And here she'd always thought that was a joke. 

"What, *precisely,*" says the Captain in an unfriendly voice, "did 
you mean by *that.*" 

"Or perhaps you merely misunderstood me," adds Derannimer quickly. 
She may not be a conflict adverse SYCOPHANT, but she isn't exactly 
Tough and Steely either. There are limits to her boldness, and the 
look on the Captain's face is one of them. "Quite easy to 
misunderstand me, really, I'm still new here and I was quite likely 
unclear." 

"But for whatever reason, you *mangl*--you. . . didn't quite seem to 
address--what I meant about FITD." 

"Un-huh." says the Captain, a sneer playing about her face. "And 
what, pray tell, did I thusly leave thusly unaddressed? 

"I addressed every darn thing that *COULD* be addressed! Didn't I 
talk about that lousy 'Farmer in the Dell'?! Didn't I?! I mean, I 
*talked* about it! It's a *ship,* and I *talked about it!* Remember? 
I said that it was a load of sap! I mean, this is not supposed to be 
some sleazy romance novel. If you do this 'Farmer in the Dell' thing, 
you've got romance and kissing and flirting coming out of your ears. 
How are you going to sustain any interest in the war with all of 
these darn *mating rituals* going on? All of that sappy stuff will be 
sticking to the bottom of your shoes!" 

"I know you said that," protests Derannimer, seeing the Captain's 
grip tighten on her Paddle, and wondering why she is still standing 
here arguing. "That is *exactly* what you said! And it completely 
ignores everything that *I* said!" 

"Now look--"

"The whole *point* of FITD is that it *cuts down* on mating rituals!" 
Derannimer continues recklessly. "The whole point of FITD--the 
*definition* of FITD--is that everybody's love is *unrequited.* 
UNREQUITED! Meaning that no one is going to be kissing anyone! I 
mean, for an example, under R/H, Ron can kiss Hermione. Under H/H, 
Harry can kiss Hermione. Under FITD, Ron sure can't, because Hermione 
*doesn't want him to,* and if he tries to without her wanting him to 
(which he better not) she will smack him upside the head! And Harry 
can't either, because he's got no interest in her!" 

"You're being sexist," objects Cindy. "And unduly optimistic. Harry 
might not try to kiss Hermione, but Hermione could still conceivably 
try to kiss him."  

"And if she does, you know as well as I do that Harry will turn 
vermillion, stutter, and duck behind a tapestry next time he sees her 
coming." 

"Yeah, but--"

"Face it, Captain: unrequited love is a lot less irritating than 
requited love is. Unrequited love is sappy angst. Requited love--the 
lynchpin of most other shipping theories--is sappy *sap.*" 

"Yeah, but even the unrequited version is sappy. You sure 
you want to read a book in which all the major characters are 
teenagers writing little love notes to each other and exchanging 
promise rings?" 

Derannimer surprises herself, and stamps her foot. This may not be a 
particularly wise gesture; as she is stamping into sand, it is 
certainly not a particularly effective one. 

"What 'little love notes'?" she demands. "Just who is going to be 
writing love notes? Ron, who's bitter about the fact that he's 
*again* playing second fiddle to his best friend? Hermione, who's 
miffed that her idiot would-be-boyfriend is mooning from afar after a 
sixth-year Ravenclaw who he doesn't even know, and who he *never* had 
a chance with, and especially not Post-Diggory? Harry, who is so 
mooning from afar, and who is probably feeling horrificly guilty 
about Cedric every time he looks at Cho anyway? Cho, who's still 
sitting at the Ravenclaw table, tears silently streaming down her 
face? Ginny, who's hoopefully over that anyway? I mean, who exactly 
is passing notes here? 

"And who is 'exchanging promise rings'? It takes two people 
to 'exchange' anything. It takes *reciprocation.* Under FITD, no two 
people are going to be in a position to exchange anything, because no 
two people are reciprocating *anything.* 

"The other nice thing about FITD, besides its blessed lack of happy, 
giggling couples, is the fact that we might not see it all. At least 
not very blatantly. At least not at first. That is to say, since 
everybody is *unhappily* in love, everybody will be trying to act 
like there not in love. And since Harry is not the most observant guy 
on Earth, he might not notice about Ron, and he probably won't notice 
about Hermione. We might notice more than he does, admittedly; and 
the whole thing will obviously come out at some point--but it's not 
going to be as *blatant* as it is if the characters were happily in 
love. Successful love is *public*; unsuccessful love does its best to 
be *private.*" 

The Captain does not seem to be convinced by this argument. "Yeah, 
but. . . well, why do we have to have any ships at all?"  

Derannimer looks at her, somewhat incredulously. "Well, that might be 
nice, but. . . I mean Captain, we're not making a *wish list* here. 
We're trying to guess what's *going* to happen, not negotiating over 
what we'd *like* to happen." She continues, in a gentler voice. "I 
know you--and me too, maybe--would rather that there not be any of 
this gooey stuff, but honestly. After all those JKR interviews where 
she talks about increasing hormones, and the Yule Ball in GOF, and 
the fact that Ron obviously does crush on Hermione. . . I mean, do 
you think that's all just going to disappear in OOP?

"No," she concludes, shaking her head sadly. "We're going to have 
romance. The most we can hope for is that it doesn't get Light and 
Fluffy. FITD, whatever its faults, is not Light and Fluffy." 

"The most we can hope for," counters Cindy, "is that the romance is 
confined to less important characters, and stays outside the Trio! 
Now, what about Hermione and Neville? That could be--what?" she asks, 
angrily, as Derannimer collapses to her knees in a fit of hopeless 
giggles. "What's wrong with Hermione and Neville?" 

"Captain, *Neville?* Poor little pudgy woobie *Neville?*" Derannimer 
manages to say this much, but then starts giggling again. 

"Well, Hermione might not see him that way!" 

Derannimer stops laughing, and looks the Captain squarely in the 
eye. "Captain, please. Hermione *pities* Neville. Hermione 
*condescends* to Neville. If you honestly consider that the basis for 
a healthy relationship, then you are welcome to it. I think it would 
be kind of ugly to watch, myself." 

She picks herself up and brushes sand off her knees. "Nope, I'm 
sticking with FITD. It has a complete *lack* of promise rings, it 
stays in the shadows, and it isn't, unlike your N/H, a relationship 
founded on that nasty old King Cophetua thing. 

"I also still think, by the way," she continues, as she and Cindy 
start slowly walking dockwards once more, "that it can. . . not 
*create*--the situation's been there for a while now--but contribute 
to quite a Bangy situation. The FecklessBetrayer!Ron part of my 
earlier analysis, which you also didn't address. 

"But I'm not going to try to prove a Bang in FITD. For now. Just a 
lack of promise rings. And a lack of Neville." 

The Captain and Derannimer have arrived at the dock now. Captain 
Cindy is seemingly still thinking about it. She goes off, with an 
occupied expression, to gather up crewmen, and Derannimer steps onto 
the stained, uneven wooden planks of the long dock. She starts her 
walk towards the ship anchored at the other end. The Big Bang 
Destroyer. 

Cool. She's a crewman. 

If, that is, she hasn't already lost her job for insubordination. 

She turns on the dock and stares pensively at the Captain's 
retreating figure. "Oh well," she says, to the seagulls and the salt 
spray. 

"At least I didn't hit her with that Paddle." 




Derannimer (who hopefully is still a crewman)