Re: SHIP: Florence, Bertha and C.U.P.I.D.’S.B.L.U.D.G.E.R.

[cindysphynx]

No: HPFGUIDX 35318

I finally abandoned my booth on the dock to help Charis Julia control 
C.U.P.I.D'S.B.L.U.D.G.E.R.  Now, I find myself bobbing in the waves 
whilst clinging to a leaky inner-tube, becoming rather lightheaded as 
I struggle to keep a bit of air in it, watching slack-jawed as Elkins 
zips by in a souped-up jet ski.  

Yes, Devin and Marina are right.  We are truly in the presence of 
greatness.  But then again, we don't want Elkins to get the idea that 
we are easy.  No, we must challenge her variant of 
C.U.P.I.D.S.B.L.U.D.G.E.R, if only to preserve our dignity, our 
independence, our sense of self.  

Although I know I will fail in my mission, I offer up the following 
challenge to the notion that Bertha caught Sirius kissing his own 
girlfriend, and to the notion that a Romeo & Juliet star-crossed 
lovers kind of thing was going on and caused Sirius and Snape to 
become mortal enemies.

************

Elkins wrote:

> I suggest that Florence *was* Sirius' girlfriend.  Sirius was the 
one
> Bertha Jorkins saw kissing behind the greenhouses, and he was 
indeed 
> the one who hexed her for her nosy ways.  

<snip canon showing Sirius doesn't care for Bertha>

> Now why would an all-around good guy like Sirius have been so upset 
by
> being teased about kissing a *girl*, of all things, that he would 
not 
> only cast a hex on poor Bertha Jorkins but also still be holding a 
> grudge about it nearly twenty years later?

I'm having trouble with the idea that Sirius would be so upset by 
being caught kissing his own girlfriend, Dead Sexy Florence of 
Slytherin, that he would hex someone, carry a grudge for decades, and 
hate Snape even after he and Florence drifted apart.

Now, you have to keep in mind that my main difficulty with Elkins' 
theory is the same problem I keep running into with Tabouli's 
LOLLIPOPS theory.  I have trouble with the idea that a high-school 
crush can motivate otherwise balanced people to behave in bizarre, 
hateful ways years later and can mold whether they become Good or 
Bad.  No, I think we need something Really Big to explain the 
Sirius/Snape/Florence/Bertha grudge match.

What we need here is a more fiery catalyst, preferably something 
having to do with Snape.  Something that would really tick Sirius 
off. Stick in his gut.  Something consistent with Snape's character 
as being a nosy slimy git.

OK.  Yes, Sirius is slurping up Florence behind the greenhouse, and 
yes, Nosy Bertha catches them.  Why does Sirius care?  Because Sirius 
isn't *supposed* to be slurping up Florence.  Not because she is a 
Slytherin (although she is a Slytherin).  Yes, there are house 
divisions.  But there's no *law* against dating someone from a 
different house, and no reason to risk expulsion by hexing someone to 
keep the relationship a secret. 

No, the reason Sirius shouldn't be putting the moves on Florence and 
the reason they are hiding is because Sirius already *has* a 
girlfriend.  A beautiful redhead.  Who is very good at charms.  By 
the name of Lily Potter.  

Sirius, bless his heart, is Dead Sexy but not yet, um, mature enough 
to be faithful to one girl.  Oh sure, he talks a good game.  "You're 
the only one, Lily."  "I don't think heavily lidded eyes are 
attractive, Lily."  "No, that dress doesn't make you look fat, 
Lily."  But . . . when the chance to snuggle with Dead Sexy Florence 
presents itself, Sirius takes it.  Sirius is impulsive that way.  

But there's more.  Florence isn't supposed to be putting a lip lock 
on Sirius either, because Florence is Snape's girlfriend.  (Oh, stop 
your heckling over there.  All of these Snape backstories require 
that we believe Snape is not totally repulsive and that a girl might 
have some twisted reason for wanting to be with him.  So work with me 
here.)

So we have more than a romantic triangle.  We have a romantic 
trapezoid.  Sirius and Lily are an item; Snape and Florence are an 
item.  And Bertha?  She's just nosy and stupid.

Sirius hexes Bertha, but Bertha runs straight to Snape after she 
stops by Dumbledore's office to reverse the hex.  Snape is *furious* 
at Florence and at Sirius.  So does Snape go down to his dungeon and 
start putting pictures of Florence all over the walls?  Heck no.  
Snape does the one thing he can do to get revenge on Sirius -- he 
goes straight to Lily and tells her that Sirius is an unfaithful dog, 
so to speak.

Lily is floored.  Here she was, thinking that Sirius was sincere, 
that she was dating the best guy in school, only to find that he 
threw her over for . . . for . . . a Slytherin!  Being a strong 
woman, Lily knows she can do better than tolerate this sort of 
infidelity.  She gives Sirius his walking papers.  Now Sirius (being 
the sort of man who desperately wants what he can't have) hates Snape 
*and* Bertha.  Yes, Sirius should blame himself and take 
responsibility for what he did wrong, but, er, introspection was 
never Sirius' strong suit.  

Time passes, and Lily starts to realize that during all of the time 
she was hanging around with Sirius and James, she had really 
appreciated James more than Sirius.  James is no looker, but she gets 
used to his unkempt hair and knobbly knees and pronounces James 
adorable.  She and James get together and become an item.  This is 
painful for Sirius, but he decides to suck it up.  Why be mad at Lily 
and his best friend James when he can spend his time trying to feed 
Snape to a werewolf?

For Snape's part, he is, once again, sans girlfriend.  This gives him 
plenty of time to pursue vendettas against Sirius and the Marauders, 
culminating in The Prank.  

As for Snape and Florence, Snape still secretly carries a torch for 
Florence.  But Florence is Bad, Evil and Dark.  Snape isn't the one 
teaching Florence Dark Magic; Florence doesn't need any help.  She is 
a very strong woman, much too strong to be with a strong man like 
Snape.  She wants Mr. Lestrange, a man who knows how to keep his 
mouth shut and do what he is told.  Mr. Lestrange is a SYCOPHANT (are 
hen-pecked men welcome in SYCOPHANT?).  Snape and Florence drift 
apart as Florence becomes more and more evil.  When it is time to 
leave Hogwarts, Snape has a decision to make -- whether to become a 
DE and join up with his buddies Wilkes, Rosier and Florence.  He 
chooses this group because he still has hope that he and Florence can 
rekindle what they once had.  Snape's hopes are dashed when Florence 
informs Mr. Lestrange that they'll be getting married when she 
decides they are darn good and ready. 

Now, the canon:

Well, look here!  Elkins has conveniently provided all of the canon I 
need:
  
> (1)  Florence has a first name, but no last name.  Mrs. Lestrange 
has 
> a last name, but no first name.  Coincidence?  Oh, I think not!
 
Yup, I'm on board here.


> (2)  Sirius' strange omission of Mrs. Lestranges first *or* maiden
> name when he lists her as a member of Snape's old gang.  

Yup, I'm with you.

> (3) Dumbledore's Pensieve.  <snip>
> 
> "But why, Bertha, . . . why did you have to follow him in the first 
> place?"
> 
> The anguished tone seems rather out of keeping for a simple matter 
>of 
> a fast hex, doesn't it?  

The problem I have here is that I don't see how Dumbledore knows 
about the enmity developing between Sirius and Snape at Hogwarts at 
this point.  I believe the Greenhouse Kissing Hex happens a bit 
before the Prank.  So if Sirius and Snape are at odds over some girl, 
and the girl is becoming increasingly dark and all, I don't see why 
those facts would come to the attention of the headmaster.  

I'm hanging on to the theory that Dumbledore's anguished tone is 
simply one of frustration that Bertha has created an awkward 
situation by violating someone's privacy, requiring some hex removal, 
and creating a disciplinary problem.

Cindy (tempted to ask Elkins to sort out the Gleam in Dumbledore's 
Eye, once and for all)